Dawn

In the early hours of a new genesis, I emerge from a long slumber, ripe

with transformative lines, as if I were asleep face down

on earth, hunkered down for three years,

lines grooved into my cheeks, some from a long inner sleep, others carved

                  from wisdom earned of

                                                 struggle.

Where have you been, I ask.  What have you seen? 

What news do you have that I can glean, stuff into my pack and

carry to the next door, creaking open for a glimpse? 

What will I find there? 

Glowing suns, lush pastures, sugar cookies, butter and walnuts

cradled into honey and dough,

planted into rich humus, berries dripping from terra cotta. 

This, and more, you say.

And it is good.

Build the new hearth with unearthed stones from Nordic firma that is now,

                  at long last,

                                    yours to walk on. 

Build the new foundation from two grown sons, flown and creating stories from pieces of your lore and love, sewn neatly into their coat linings. 

Yours is frayed, well worn, looking for new threads, green stalks along your well tread road, to fortify, weave a coat you will wear until your grey is set free,

                  flowing long and wild,

                                     once and for all;

enmeshed ‘tween tiny sticky fingers;

your flesh intertwined with theirs, your history lodged between their tiny toes;

toes spreading on tended grounds,

finding footing in the wild gardens of your fossiled youth,

safe and inviting to nubile shoots looking for food, love, treasures and trueness.

Truths that have come full circle, rebirthed in innocence, speaking your wisdom

                  for the ages. 

The lines on my face curl upward,

thanking the goddesses

                  for all that has,

                                            all that is.

The Windmills and Spirals of a New Beginning

In my continued fascination with spirals, I was looking at one that was spinning.  You know, the kind you see when someone is trying to hypnotize you?   It represents continual change and evolution and the interconnectedness of all things.

As we passed December 21, 2012, which was to be the last day of life as we know it and not necessarily the end of the world, because we are still here, I look to what that new world  might look like.  In terms of rebirth or growth, the spiral symbol can represent the consciousness of nature beginning from the core or center and thus expanding outwardly. Or you can look at it as outward information coming in to the core of your being.  I read this yesterday about this kind of spiral movement:

And when one contemplates such an infinitely regressing movement one begins to appreciate that the words 'first movement' doesn't even begin to express the beginning - that it's all an endless beginning - it's all a one act play - an infinitely recursive and enfolding one act play. Thus the 'first movement' is everywhere you look And soon you'll look up and see the same thing in every thing you look at until your view of reality begins to shift and with it meaning itself will take on a whole new meaning and on and on and on - beginnings enfolding endings which enfold another beginning until there's no more beginnings or endings and you just are. -Robert McCoy

If you look at a spiral in motion, it appears that it is moving from the outside in.  And if you look closely at the center, it appears to get larger as it spins.  Interesting if you think of the spiral as inward reflection.  As more wonderful things move in, your center becomes larger,  I think you can also say that as things move out from the center, it also leaves space to allow your inner most ideas to grow.  The inner core stays the same as the outer grows in size.   Do we actually spiral out of control or just to a place that is new and not understood quite yet?   I like to believe that December 21st was the end of the world as we know it and an opening to something quite new and even grander.   Any way you look at it, growth is always occurring, like it or not!  You can see for yourself here: 

click here

So the same people, places, and things are always new, always beginning again.  From a different perspective.  You get to see them from all sides, angles, directions.  And sometimes, what you have been looking at for years starts looking different. So enjoy your life from all sides and angles this holiday season.

Like a tunnel that you follow

To a tunnel of it's own

Down a hollow to a cavern

Where the sun has never shone

Like a door that keeps revolving

In a half forgotten dream

Or the ripples from a pebble

Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on it's face

And the world is like an apple

Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind

-Sting

Liminality All Over Again and Again...

I wanted to post this again for a couple of reasons.  First, the word liminality, came up in a conversation today and a light bulb went off.  I went to a meeting about reinvention, where I find myself yet again.  And in explaining the place I am in, how I feel, after closing my business last fall, and wondering what I was going to do when I grow up....again....  I called it the space of nothingness between the old and the new that has not showed itself yet but is busy crafting itself within me.  

My friend was told that this place is called liminality.  Of course!  The space in-between!  I have been here before.  I said that to her.  It was a Duh! moment.  This is the place where your old life has crashed and burned and your new life isn't apparent yet.  It is in this place that we must keep walking.  You may not recognize yourself at this point. It is a volatile feeling, this unknowing.


I have come to the conclusion that in this lifetime of mine, this is where my soul is growing and changing at the speed of light.  I don't know how many liminal periods we are allowed in one lifetime.  I can't count them anymore.  It actually feels like I am dying all of my past lives all in one lifetime!  It is exciting, scary, exhausting, emotional.  You cry.  You laugh.  You're loud.  You're quiet.  You're up.  You're down.  You want this.  No, you want that instead.  I say, just hang on.  That's really all one can do in these turbulent times.  Of course, this is all inner work.  I can only imagine what I look like on the outside with all this chaos happening within!


These aha moments have a calming effect, though.  At least I can name the demon in my head that is running amok!  Okay, not a demon.  Growth, change, rebirth.  I just wish with each rebirth I could delete a few years off my age.  Become a younger version of myself at this ripe old age!

There is gold within these Shadows.  Embrace the gold and release what is not.
Just keep walking...

posted 10/20/2010

Reality is the place between the sea and the foam. Irish Proverb

Dictionary.com defines it as:

the transitional period or phase of a rite of passage, during which the participant lacks social status or rank, remains anonymous,shows obedience and humility, and follows prescribed forms of conduct, dress, etc.

It is defined as the space in-between. It is emptiness and nowhere. It is a place of dying and rebirth, the space between death and rebirth, something that cannot be seen. Liminality is where transformation occurs. It is when we are betwixt and between, and by definition, not in control. An uncomfortable place to be if you ask me, but a place of impending change, which to me is exciting.

In the book, Crossing to Avalon - it is described as passing through a gateway, a threshold - an in between zone where we are neither who we used to be nor who we are becoming. We are standing in a doorway between two phases of our own life.

In this liminal phase we are vulnerable, thin skinned, which means we are open to new growth. T.S. Eliot wrote about a point of intersection of the timeless with time. It is a place where eternal and ordinary perception overlap the spiritual world and visible reality come together. Only in periods of availability will a person respond to a call to adventure or love and the lessons they bring.

Okay, so what does this mean and why even talk about it? I came upon notes I had taken from books and other readings, which are shared above, at the right time in my life.

As I came back from a spectacular trip to the Omega Institute for a Women's Leadership conference, thoughts were screaming in my head, copious notes had been taken the whole weekend, I rewrote my ideas for a retreat center, cleared out some old personal "garbage", and was ready to take on the work of my next incarnation.

And I got home and none of this happened. I couldn't write, my thoughts were unclear, my head foggy. I got sick recently, which put my head in an ever worse fog and I wondered what happened to that energy and spark that was on fire in New York. Even my meetings with people I met on that trip didn't spark anything new or exciting. What was wrong with me?

Then tonight, as I tried to free write in my journal (with no luck), I came across old notes and writings, which included liminality. And I realized where I was at this moment in my life. Funny, once again, if you look for the signs, they are here in front of you.

I guess I, too, am in another state of transition, that place in between. I am letting go of the old and worn out but the new has not presented itself yet. Jung calls the psychological journey to wholeness as individuation, a task of the 2nd half of life.

So, again, I wait, quietly, because I know in the quiet and nothingness, things are happening that are out of my control, out of my realm of thought. It tires me, this non-work. But it also excites me, as I know out of it comes newness, new thought, new direction, new beginnings, new you.

My Wish for 2012

First and foremost,  my wish is peace for all - peace of mind, peace of spirit, peace in love and hate, peace in beginnings and endings.  It is a time of endings - a year;  a life on this earth for some, a spiritual life for others.

I saw an end to my store, friendships that had run their course, run out of road.  I saw an end to old thought patterns that do not serve me any longer.  Some revisited me, if only in dreams and some revisited in body or spirit.  Maybe to remind me of the importance they played in my life at one time.  Did I look at them from angles never seen before?  Yes.  Was their pain revisited?  Heck yes.  but there was also the love and gratitude that was once there and still is in some way.

Then I placed them lovingly in my deepest memory.  Some may never again come to call but they color my life and are a part of who I was and who I am becoming.  Some will call again and may be unrecognizable from my new perspective and may share my space once again.  So I say to them all;  I love you and thank you and send you on your own way.

This is also a time of beginnings.  While some were on their way out, others were entering.  I give thanks to all who blessed me with their presence this year.  To you, join me on my next journey!

If there is an unease as you move forward into the new year, embrace the transitional jitters as difficult as it might be.  It is here whether you like it or not.  Give it the space and love it desires and deserves and let it expand and grow into you..  I am right there, too, on that precipice, looking out onto so many possibilities, seen and unseen, eyes and heart wide open.  What an exciting moment to be present within!

If I can just love myself as much as I love those around me, it will spread its branches and support all. I come in contact with.  And if that love can assist those who are in greater turmoil, support them on their journey, then my wish is complete.

I say goodbye and hello in love as we step into the newness that lies ahead, known and unknown.  this is my wish to myself and to all.  Peace, prosperity, health, joy, fulfillment, laughter and love in 2012.  Thank you to all who have watched over me in body and in spirit.

This is the end of our worlds as we know them.  I'm excited.  I hope you are too!

Contemplating Spiral Signs this Holiday Season

In my continued fascination with spirals, I was looking at one that was spinning.  You know, the kind you see when someone is trying to hypnotize you?   It represents continual change and evolution and the interconnectedness of all things.

In terms of rebirth or growth, the spiral symbol can represent the consciousness of nature beginning from the core or center and thus expanding outwardly. Or you can look at it as outward information coming in to the core of your being.  I read this yesterday about this kind of spiral movement:

And when one contemplates such an infinitely regressing movement one begins to appreciate that the words 'first movement' doesn't even begin to express the beginning - that it's all an endless beginning - it's all a one act play - an infinitely recursive and enfolding one act play. Thus the 'first movement' is everywhere you look And soon you'll look up and see the same thing in every thing you look at until your view of reality begins to shift and with it meaning itself will take on a whole new meaning and on and on and on - beginnings enfolding endings which enfold another beginning until there's no more beginnings or endings and you just are. -Robert McCoy

If you look at a spiral in motion, it appears that it is moving from the outside in.  And if you look closely at the center, it appears to get larger as it spins.  Interesting if you think of the spiral as inward reflection.  As more wonderful things move in, your center becomes larger,  I think you can also say that as things move out from the center, it also leaves space to allow your inner most ideas to grow.  the inner core stays the same as the outer grows in size.   Do we actually spiral out of control or just to a place that is new and not understood quite yet?   I am starting to like that uncomfortable feeling on not quite being on steady ground, because I know it is leading to new ideas, thoughts.  Any way you look at it, growth is occurring.  You can see for yourself here: 

click here

So the same people, places, and things are always new, always beginning again.  From a different perspective.  You get to see them from all sides, angles, directions.  And sometimes, what you have been looking at for years starts looking different. So enjoy your life from all sides and angles this holiday season.

Like a tunnel that you follow

To a tunnel of it's own

Down a hollow to a cavern

Where the sun has never shone

Like a door that keeps revolving

In a half forgotten dream

Or the ripples from a pebble

Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on it's face

And the world is like an apple

Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind

-Sting

Spirals and Reflection...

"In the wave lies the secret of creation."

Walter Russell from The Secret of Light

I am thinking of spirals again.  The Spiral represents the path of life - from your Essence, outward to the world. Or, depending on your perspective, from worldly existence to spiritual Essence.   As I make my way through this transformation, I am envisioning the gears on an old ship.  Remember the movie Titanic, when they were trying to reverse the boats gears and change course in hopes to avoid the collision with the iceberg?  They were trying to first shut down the forward motion of the gears and then shift into reverse.  The boat was moving forward while the gears were moving backward.

It is a struggle to change course.  So much energy is being expended on that forward motion that it takes a tremendous amount of force to exact any change in the direction.  And at some point, in the middle of the struggle, you are going both directions at the same time.  If you look at a spiral,  it could either be pulling itself inward or outward in direction.  It is liminality at it once again.

I am at that midway point of moving in both directions - the old is still surfacing from the innermost point of the spiral and jettisoning out of me while the new is coming in.  Think of a revolving door at the department store!  It is that kind of energy that makes weird things happen.  Like hearing from an old friend after years of absence.  It is so familiar - that voice, those words.  Yet it is equally awkward.  You are no longer that person of that familiar pair.  The puzzle pieces that once fit are now off kilter, the edges overlapping and not setting into perfect place.

Is that the old leaving and coming at the same time, hoping to not be left behind?  Maybe to be morphed into the newness that is on its way in only to emerge again shortly.  I don't know.  the question I need to ask, and I will, is why did they disappear, and more importantly, why are they back?  What drew them back?  I have always needed answers for the whys in my life!  Then again, it is said that if you just wait, the barriers will go away.  Nonetheless, I still need those answers!

But actually, right now, what is really more interesting is watching and feeling those gears switch direction and carry me onto a different course that can only bring excitement and joy of what only NEW can bring!!

Life is a Series of Deaths

Life is a series of deaths with a little laughter thrown in along the way.   We die a little at each crossroad, learn to walk again, live to laugh about that last intersection and then there you are at that damn stop sign again.  Wondering – I turned left last time – which way looks good this go round?

You hear I didn’t say safe.  I said interesting.  Death of the old is never safe.  Interesting?  Yes.  Damn interesting and damn funny in retrospect.   We shift a little to the left, then we shift a little to the right.  And with each shift, each change, each death, we gain in knowledge of our own divine.  We get closer to the true purpose of our lives.

Is it the life we decide for ourselves?  Maybe so.  Maybe not.  But if we listen, if we can quiet ourselves during the troubled times, during each one of these “deaths”, we will just “know” what is right for us; which is the right path.  If it is not the right path, it will never feel right.  Or we will wake up at a crossroads again with that feeling of AGAIN?!?!?!?  I have done this before, an unraveling of the status quo in order to see the light within.

Resisting the exhaustion of the death results in more exhaustion.  Can I give myself more than 5 days to rejuvenate, replenish, rebirth?  I think so.  No matter what I try, how much I push myself, my body has shut down in order to rest during the re birthing process.  No matter how much I beat myself up about getting a move on to the next greatest thing (as asked by my son…); no matter how much I try to get my brain wrapped around the great ideas that came up prior to my “death”, my brain (which is as stubborn as the rest of me) has shut down.  Nothing seems important. 

This in itself drives me crazy.  How can I NOT be excited about all the great ideas that showed up last month?  I was SO excited, so looking forward to jumping into my next incarnation.  BUT…..right at this very moment, nothing is all that exciting to me.  Everything can wait.  I need to just sit, relax, rest.  This break has been a long time coming.  The next greatest thing can wait a bit more.  Actually, it HAS.  It won’t let me jump in.  I am numb to pretty much everything.  So, I need to be okay with that.  I know, I know, I know, it will all come to me when the time is ripe.  It always does!  And no matter how much I push it, it will not move until I am ready to move with it.  I know this.  Yet, I come to this place time and time again. 

I go back to an old post about the liminal stage last spring.  A time of transition when we stand “betwixt and between” one state and another. Kind of like on a fence, although you aren't trying to make the decision as to which way to step. It kind of does it for you. Awkward, yes. The state of neutrality/ ambiguity until we reach full consciousness of the next place, the next stage, whatever you wish to call it. But I am okay with it. Probably because I am so exhausted, I can't fight it or push it where I'd like anyway.  

Only this time, I understand this.  So when those anxious thoughts pop in, I know to let them pass.  I just thought this morning, for the umpteenth time I woke up at 4 or 5am and could not go back to sleep, that, Wow, look how much I could get done before the rest of the house wakes up.  Here I go again, pushing.  And here I am again, at only 6:30pm, exhausted.

So, please, my dearest soul, take a chill pill, enjoy this rest.  You are revving up for some unbelievable events.  Let the flower bud grow, and then petal by petal, unfold into the new blossom of you!

All is Done....And All is New

Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity. -- T.S. Eliot

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.  -- T.S. Eliot

My personal meditation on the decision to transform Baubo’s Garden
It is done. It is complete. You are safe, sound, whole, alive. A weight has been lifted. You are warm and whole again.

So, begin again. Goddesses rejoice. Hear their laughter as they surround you. Lead the way to your destiny, your fate. Abundance, laughter, joy, rapture. Feel it. Be it. Be one. Let life flow beside you. Drift in peace knowing you are okay.

Using metaphors for life, change was the long difficult pregnancy. I labored and labored and birthed the new model of me. I persevered till the end, and the beginning. I have been set free to fly to new places, forage like a honey bee searching for the pollen of life to take back to the hive (within) and create the sweet honey nectar of my life; and then to share that sweetness. Forgive my mixed metaphor, but I come from a background of horticulture, where life cycles are key and gardening relates so much to our lives.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.-- T. S. Eliot

You know when you need to move. Your body tells you. Your soul tells you. Some years back, I stopped hearing the music, refused to listen to it for over a year. I am a musician and I was burned out. To me, music is the juice that flows through me, charges me, makes me vibrant. I lost that music of my soul for a time, while life spiraled around me.
It is as T.S. Elliot explains, “It is music heard so deeply that it is not heard at all, but you are the music while the music lasts.”

That is being in the moment, when all is right with your world; everything is aligned; you are at peace; you are creating. This is what I want next – to create that peace; that in just being, it transcends beyond you, to all you come in contact with; to help provide a space, an idea, a peaceful, safe place where others can find their own music or nectar within themselves. That is the task at hand.

The Gnostic way of knowing is feminine wisdom. It is insight, intuition, the process of knowing oneself. To know oneself at the deepest level is to also know God, or your higher power, or whatever, however you understand if for yourself.

I did some free writing last December and wrote that we must align our core essence and then work outwards from it. Clear the core of who you are, shine it up and it will glow outwards. Hearts Within – Love Without.

Let us join on this journey of discovery, hope, love and charity, hand in hand, upward and onward…

Onward and Upward We Go!

From the middle of life onward, only he remains vitally alive who is ready to die with life.

Samuel Johnson

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.

Henry Ford

I have started the process of a huge change in my life.  I have decided to close my business of 5 years.  The decision process was long and arduous and not without tears and heartache.  “Why” is the question everyone asks, of course.  “Why” is a long discussion.  Of course, the first and foremost reason is our economic climate, which has NOT been friendly to small business owners.  And that is all I will say on that topic.

The other reasons are far more interesting.  Is it too cliché to say the business ran out of road?  If you think of it as a living and breathing entity, does it also have a life span?  Going even deeper than that, did it serve its purpose and is no longer relevant?  If we live our lives based on an earlier uninformed decision and don’t adjust as time goes by, we will stagnate.  So, long story short, the business reached the end of the road.  Yes, when I opened, I hoped to become the next lingerie mogul, but alas, that was not to be.

Then again, and more importantly, I gained so much more in the way of friends, experiences (good and bad), knowledge and direction.  It segued me from where I was to where I am now.  And I am so grateful for all of it, good and bad.  I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.  So I bless it as it goes away.

I also realized that the place I am in right now is brand new, with no attachments to the past.  This business was attached to so many parts of what once was. In leaving it, I also leave behind the sorrows, the entanglements, and the former me.  It is bittersweet and difficult to imagine moving forward without these constant companions of the past.  But we must shed these old and ill fitting ideals of the past to blossom into the newness of uncertainty.

I awoke last night to three black entities (shadow people as they are called) running through my room.  It scared the crap out of me.  I understand they represent the dark side, fear, uncertainty.  But they also represent an opening in spirit and soul, where the good and the not so good can enter for contemplation and reflection.  I told my dear friend of this incident and she said the best of me is being birthed as we speak.  That is good to know because with change comes fear or discomfort (why would you change otherwise?) and we tend to overlook the goodness that is coming from this.

This reflection is also bittersweet.  People, places, things, that are attached to the old come flooding into mind.  Maybe to say their goodbyes.  Maybe to ask to be remembered.  Maybe to tell us they still love us and remind us of their importance in our growth.  I don’t know for sure.  Some will be forgotten.  But the ones that created the most agitation will remain on the shelves in our souls and be taken down and dusted now and then, without the sentiment that brought them to us originally.

I read this a few days ago and it spoke to the place I am in at the moment.

As you communicate, so what you say unlocks doors for you. They open up on the inside as much as the outside. These doors take you further into the palace of truth. Life is inviting you to sink your foundations in the soil of essence. It is offering increased substance.

“A real life is the life of essence. You can call it soul, or God within you, or whatsoever you will.” --Osho

And what is essence? Essence is your original face without any masks. Essence is that which you brought into the world when you were born. Essence is that which was with you in the womb. Essence is that which has been given to you by God – or whatsoever you call the totality, the whole, existence. Essence is a gift from existence to you.

So, I welcome a rediscovery of my true essence as I move forward into new territory.  I give thanks to what I am leaving behind.  In the words of  Mary Church Terrell, and so, lifting as we climb, onward and upward we go, struggling and striving, and hoping that the buds and blossoms of our desires will burst into glorious fruition.

Closing the Door with a Soft Hush

An "event" from three years ago re-presented itself in my psyche the other day.  After three years waiting for review at the state police level, they found the guy that robbed me in my store.  They had fingerprints, an ID from me; but it takes the state that long to process fingerprints.  If I was murdered, it might have come in faster! Cancel, cancel, cancel! (this is what you are supposed to say when you have a negative thought - so it doesn't settle in and manifest itself)

No, I am no longer angry or even anxious about the event.  It is over and I processed it and moved on.  But - it DID bring it all back to the forefront.  After three years, I didn't know if I would remember his face when presented a photo of him.  But I did pick him out and as soon as they find him and arrest him, there will be a physical line up where I will have to identify him again.  I am wondering if his actual presence in front of me will trigger old feelings or if I truly am over this.

On a side note, I asked where he was and they said it is kind of tricky to extradite him from Indiana where he is believed to be so they were going to go to a court hearing for him and question him about my robbery.  Mind you, the guy has a record a mile long, is a convicted sex offender as well as other niceties.  I said, what guy is going to remember one robbery out of one hundred?  They said you'd be surprised.  It's kind of like their trophies.  They remember each time they were successful at being a dickhead.

So I went through the whole event again over and over in my brain.  I got angry at myself again for letting him take my wedding band.  Actually for letting him get away with the whole deal here in the store.  Just me I guess, with wild thoughts like that. 

The real point, though, is that the event itself was a turning point in my life.  I saw my angel therapist practitioner who said it was a life wake up call.  And when I look back, it was.  Sometimes you need to get really shaken up to make changes in your life.

I didn't make any real changes.  What I did was realize where I stood in my own life, what my purpose was, who mattered to me and who didn't, who cared about me and who didn't.  It created a huge shift in my perspective at that time.  And that shift brought new people into my life and some old ones were left behind.

The shift was also in consciousness.  A wake up call to my soul. Where was I going?  What did I want to do when I grew up?  I did grow up.  Spiritually and mentally.  And I find myself there again.

No, I didn't get a wake up call like that of three years ago (fortunately!).  It came as a door closing to my past and ideas that were sifting in my brain settled on a decision.  Just like that!  Well, when the decision comes, it comes in an instant, just like that.  Poof.  You were in one state of mind, and now you are in a total other state of mind.  Well, it isn't poof.  You've been hemming and hawing over ideas, thoughts, things for a while and finally your brain makes a decision.  Or should I say your soul makes a decision.  The thoughts/ideas came into your brain randomly at this time or another and they float around for a long while and then, POOF, a decision is made.  It's about time!!!!

The floating around isn't easy and billowy and soft like a breeze through a window softly blowing curtains around.  It is the anxiety ridden monkey mind that I spoke of in a previous blog that is making you CRAZY!  That's not to say that my monkeys have left my head (The monkeys have left the building!  had to say that...).  They still occupy a portion of my mind.  I have just been able to cage and tame a few of them.

I have to say, again, that it amazes me each time it happens.  That is, when you make movement in some way towards change, doors open, people show up, things happen.  Ideas that were floating around made their way to the top of the list and now they are starting to be acted upon.  It is absolutely amazing to me.

A very dear friend told me yesterday that I should be just as excited and hopeful about the door being closed as I am about the next door opening.  That I should put as much joy, excitement  and hopefulness into closing that chapter of my life as I am in exploring the next. Closing one door is NOT failure.  I have gained so much, met some wonderful people.   When you make a decision, you want to move forward NOW.  At least that is how I am.  Let's do this thing RIGHT NOW.  What I need to do is bless and love and give thanks to what I have accomplished and am letting go of.

So I am so very thankful that this turning point in my life was not precedented by a traumatic event. (thank you thank you thank you!!!)  It is about our becoming the next version of ourselves and addressing the challenges it brings.  As my dear friend Peggy said, "What do you have to leave behind when moving on?  What works and what doesn't?  How do I attract what's next and when it presents itself, how will I act on it?

Okay, I am ready!  I also plan on putting my monkeys to work.  Instead of their own ideas, they are charged with acting on MY next version of my life.  After all, I am the boss of me (as my children used to say to me!).  So let's make our move!

A new year is a-coming!

As I sit here in my store the day after Christmas and find myself utterly alone, I am not saddened by the lack of customers on this blustery winter day. I find myself thinking about what is to come and looking forward to a new year. This past year was a difficult one. It was also a year of tremendous change. It was a great learning year as well.

We all suffered loss in the economic crisis. And those that didn't adjust to this new way of life didn't make it. There are businesses around me that didn't heed the warnings and are either closed or soon to be closing.

This past year was also a difficult one personally. I lost people that were very dear to me. I was present when my father in law left this earth after a long struggle with cancer. It had a profound impact on me and I am blessed that I was able to be there. Other people left because our lessons were learned from each other. Those losses are most difficult because we don't want them to go but it just isn't right anymore and there is too much strife to have them in your life. They will always be with me in my heart. I learned so much.

I also met some wonderful new people whom I will take with me on a new path that is in the works as I write this. I know it's cliche, but it is true, when one door closes, another opens. And those that are behind the closed door have left an indelible mark.

But I now look to a new year, new friends, new opportunities, a freshness that comes with this new snowfall that I am now looking at. Cleaning out the old from last year to make way for a fresh new year. I think it's time to go ride a horse again! It's been way too long and my heart and soul need it. So if I don't write again, Happy New Year! I can't wait to see what it has in store for me!!

Declaration

Writing more of my book today and came across this again. Long time ago creation that still rings true.

Declaration

I am defined as daughter, sister, wife, mother.

But I am more

I am spirit, I am flowers, I am the songs in my head, the words on this page.

I am laughter riding wild on the wind of a horse.

I am bare toes in mountain springs and Tahoe sands.

I hang only colors on my walls that speak to me.

I am new beginnings to only myself

I do not repair others’ souls.

I am only ears to hear and loving touches.

I am my path, not yours.

Though I can light a way for you

I am love to me

I am love to my forever babies

I can let you in and you will know how.

The Old Woman I Shall Become...

The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning.... -George Sand

As I was contemplating old age, crone hood (as I am entering it) and the prospects of saggy everything, I came across this quote. And it made me think more on the ever approaching moment of crone hood.

Each chance, each feeling, each responsibility we commit our self to adds to the richness of our womanhood. I am no longer yesterday's woman. I am today's woman. And tomorrow I will also be today's woman, tomorrow! Yikes!

The weird thing is that I'll never be able to go back to her, without knowing, that she no longer meets the needs of the new woman emerging. I will look forward o these changes, to the older, wiser, (and hopefully sexier and a heck of a lot of fun) woman I am becoming. A woman who has perspective and wisdom to see the crap for what it is and let it go, to understand that the pain that is overwhelming right now is making way for this new lady of the world who will be a better version of the first.

If only I could trust and accept these lessons, to understand the words I have said myself - without the discomfort of pain, change cannot occur. Trust in the path I am on is what I need to believe daily. And look forward to the peace that comes with becoming.

Liminality - the Space In Between

Reality is the place between the sea and the foam. Irish Proverb

Dictionary.com defines it as:

the transitional period or phase of a rite of passage, during which the participant lacks social status or rank, remains anonymous,shows obedience and humility, and follows prescribed forms of conduct, dress, etc.

It is defined as the space in-between. It is emptiness and nowhere. It is a place of dying and rebirth, the space between death and rebirth, something that cannot be seen. Liminality is where transformation occurs. It is when we are betwixt and between, and by definition, not in control. An uncomfortable place to be if you ask me, but a place of impending change, which to me is exciting.

In the book, Crossing to Avalon - it is described as passing through a gateway, a threshold - an in between zone where we are neither who we used to be nor who we are becoming. We are standing in a doorway between two phases of our own life.

In this liminal phase we are vulnerable, thin skinned, which means we are open to new growth. T.S. Eliot wrote about a point of intersection of the timeless with time. It is a place where eternal and ordinary perception overlap the spiritual world and visible reality come together. Only in periods of availability will a person respond to a call to adventure or love and the lessons they bring.

Okay, so what does this mean and why even talk about it? I came upon notes I had taken from books and other readings, which are shared above, at the right time in my life.

As I came back from a spectacular trip to the Omega Institute for a Women's Leadership conference, thoughts were screaming in my head, copious notes had been taken the whole weekend, I rewrote my ideas for a retreat center, cleared out some old personal "garbage", and was ready to take on the work of my next incarnation.

And I got home and none of this happened. I couldn't write, my thoughts were unclear, my head foggy. I got sick recently, which put my head in an ever worse fog and I wondered what happened to that energy and spark that was on fire in New York. Even my meetings with people I met on that trip didn't spark anything new or exciting. What was wrong with me?

Then tonight, as I tried to free write in my journal (with no luck), I came across old notes and writings, which included liminality. And I realized where I was at this moment in my life. Funny, once again, if you look for the signs, they are here in front of you.

I guess I, too, am in another state of transition, that place in between. I am letting go of the old and worn out but the new has not presented itself yet. Jung calls the psychological journey to wholeness as individuation, a task of the 2nd half of life.

So, again, I wait, quietly, because I know in the quiet and nothingness, things are happening that are out of my control, out of my realm of thought. It tires me, this non-work. But it also excites me, as I know out of it comes newness, new thought, new direction, new beginnings, new you.