My Wish for 2012

First and foremost,  my wish is peace for all - peace of mind, peace of spirit, peace in love and hate, peace in beginnings and endings.  It is a time of endings - a year;  a life on this earth for some, a spiritual life for others.

I saw an end to my store, friendships that had run their course, run out of road.  I saw an end to old thought patterns that do not serve me any longer.  Some revisited me, if only in dreams and some revisited in body or spirit.  Maybe to remind me of the importance they played in my life at one time.  Did I look at them from angles never seen before?  Yes.  Was their pain revisited?  Heck yes.  but there was also the love and gratitude that was once there and still is in some way.

Then I placed them lovingly in my deepest memory.  Some may never again come to call but they color my life and are a part of who I was and who I am becoming.  Some will call again and may be unrecognizable from my new perspective and may share my space once again.  So I say to them all;  I love you and thank you and send you on your own way.

This is also a time of beginnings.  While some were on their way out, others were entering.  I give thanks to all who blessed me with their presence this year.  To you, join me on my next journey!

If there is an unease as you move forward into the new year, embrace the transitional jitters as difficult as it might be.  It is here whether you like it or not.  Give it the space and love it desires and deserves and let it expand and grow into you..  I am right there, too, on that precipice, looking out onto so many possibilities, seen and unseen, eyes and heart wide open.  What an exciting moment to be present within!

If I can just love myself as much as I love those around me, it will spread its branches and support all. I come in contact with.  And if that love can assist those who are in greater turmoil, support them on their journey, then my wish is complete.

I say goodbye and hello in love as we step into the newness that lies ahead, known and unknown.  this is my wish to myself and to all.  Peace, prosperity, health, joy, fulfillment, laughter and love in 2012.  Thank you to all who have watched over me in body and in spirit.

This is the end of our worlds as we know them.  I'm excited.  I hope you are too!

Spirals and Reflection...

"In the wave lies the secret of creation."

Walter Russell from The Secret of Light

I am thinking of spirals again.  The Spiral represents the path of life - from your Essence, outward to the world. Or, depending on your perspective, from worldly existence to spiritual Essence.   As I make my way through this transformation, I am envisioning the gears on an old ship.  Remember the movie Titanic, when they were trying to reverse the boats gears and change course in hopes to avoid the collision with the iceberg?  They were trying to first shut down the forward motion of the gears and then shift into reverse.  The boat was moving forward while the gears were moving backward.

It is a struggle to change course.  So much energy is being expended on that forward motion that it takes a tremendous amount of force to exact any change in the direction.  And at some point, in the middle of the struggle, you are going both directions at the same time.  If you look at a spiral,  it could either be pulling itself inward or outward in direction.  It is liminality at it once again.

I am at that midway point of moving in both directions - the old is still surfacing from the innermost point of the spiral and jettisoning out of me while the new is coming in.  Think of a revolving door at the department store!  It is that kind of energy that makes weird things happen.  Like hearing from an old friend after years of absence.  It is so familiar - that voice, those words.  Yet it is equally awkward.  You are no longer that person of that familiar pair.  The puzzle pieces that once fit are now off kilter, the edges overlapping and not setting into perfect place.

Is that the old leaving and coming at the same time, hoping to not be left behind?  Maybe to be morphed into the newness that is on its way in only to emerge again shortly.  I don't know.  the question I need to ask, and I will, is why did they disappear, and more importantly, why are they back?  What drew them back?  I have always needed answers for the whys in my life!  Then again, it is said that if you just wait, the barriers will go away.  Nonetheless, I still need those answers!

But actually, right now, what is really more interesting is watching and feeling those gears switch direction and carry me onto a different course that can only bring excitement and joy of what only NEW can bring!!

Life is a Series of Deaths

Life is a series of deaths with a little laughter thrown in along the way.   We die a little at each crossroad, learn to walk again, live to laugh about that last intersection and then there you are at that damn stop sign again.  Wondering – I turned left last time – which way looks good this go round?

You hear I didn’t say safe.  I said interesting.  Death of the old is never safe.  Interesting?  Yes.  Damn interesting and damn funny in retrospect.   We shift a little to the left, then we shift a little to the right.  And with each shift, each change, each death, we gain in knowledge of our own divine.  We get closer to the true purpose of our lives.

Is it the life we decide for ourselves?  Maybe so.  Maybe not.  But if we listen, if we can quiet ourselves during the troubled times, during each one of these “deaths”, we will just “know” what is right for us; which is the right path.  If it is not the right path, it will never feel right.  Or we will wake up at a crossroads again with that feeling of AGAIN?!?!?!?  I have done this before, an unraveling of the status quo in order to see the light within.

Resisting the exhaustion of the death results in more exhaustion.  Can I give myself more than 5 days to rejuvenate, replenish, rebirth?  I think so.  No matter what I try, how much I push myself, my body has shut down in order to rest during the re birthing process.  No matter how much I beat myself up about getting a move on to the next greatest thing (as asked by my son…); no matter how much I try to get my brain wrapped around the great ideas that came up prior to my “death”, my brain (which is as stubborn as the rest of me) has shut down.  Nothing seems important. 

This in itself drives me crazy.  How can I NOT be excited about all the great ideas that showed up last month?  I was SO excited, so looking forward to jumping into my next incarnation.  BUT…..right at this very moment, nothing is all that exciting to me.  Everything can wait.  I need to just sit, relax, rest.  This break has been a long time coming.  The next greatest thing can wait a bit more.  Actually, it HAS.  It won’t let me jump in.  I am numb to pretty much everything.  So, I need to be okay with that.  I know, I know, I know, it will all come to me when the time is ripe.  It always does!  And no matter how much I push it, it will not move until I am ready to move with it.  I know this.  Yet, I come to this place time and time again. 

I go back to an old post about the liminal stage last spring.  A time of transition when we stand “betwixt and between” one state and another. Kind of like on a fence, although you aren't trying to make the decision as to which way to step. It kind of does it for you. Awkward, yes. The state of neutrality/ ambiguity until we reach full consciousness of the next place, the next stage, whatever you wish to call it. But I am okay with it. Probably because I am so exhausted, I can't fight it or push it where I'd like anyway.  

Only this time, I understand this.  So when those anxious thoughts pop in, I know to let them pass.  I just thought this morning, for the umpteenth time I woke up at 4 or 5am and could not go back to sleep, that, Wow, look how much I could get done before the rest of the house wakes up.  Here I go again, pushing.  And here I am again, at only 6:30pm, exhausted.

So, please, my dearest soul, take a chill pill, enjoy this rest.  You are revving up for some unbelievable events.  Let the flower bud grow, and then petal by petal, unfold into the new blossom of you!

All is Done....And All is New

Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity. -- T.S. Eliot

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.  -- T.S. Eliot

My personal meditation on the decision to transform Baubo’s Garden
It is done. It is complete. You are safe, sound, whole, alive. A weight has been lifted. You are warm and whole again.

So, begin again. Goddesses rejoice. Hear their laughter as they surround you. Lead the way to your destiny, your fate. Abundance, laughter, joy, rapture. Feel it. Be it. Be one. Let life flow beside you. Drift in peace knowing you are okay.

Using metaphors for life, change was the long difficult pregnancy. I labored and labored and birthed the new model of me. I persevered till the end, and the beginning. I have been set free to fly to new places, forage like a honey bee searching for the pollen of life to take back to the hive (within) and create the sweet honey nectar of my life; and then to share that sweetness. Forgive my mixed metaphor, but I come from a background of horticulture, where life cycles are key and gardening relates so much to our lives.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.-- T. S. Eliot

You know when you need to move. Your body tells you. Your soul tells you. Some years back, I stopped hearing the music, refused to listen to it for over a year. I am a musician and I was burned out. To me, music is the juice that flows through me, charges me, makes me vibrant. I lost that music of my soul for a time, while life spiraled around me.
It is as T.S. Elliot explains, “It is music heard so deeply that it is not heard at all, but you are the music while the music lasts.”

That is being in the moment, when all is right with your world; everything is aligned; you are at peace; you are creating. This is what I want next – to create that peace; that in just being, it transcends beyond you, to all you come in contact with; to help provide a space, an idea, a peaceful, safe place where others can find their own music or nectar within themselves. That is the task at hand.

The Gnostic way of knowing is feminine wisdom. It is insight, intuition, the process of knowing oneself. To know oneself at the deepest level is to also know God, or your higher power, or whatever, however you understand if for yourself.

I did some free writing last December and wrote that we must align our core essence and then work outwards from it. Clear the core of who you are, shine it up and it will glow outwards. Hearts Within – Love Without.

Let us join on this journey of discovery, hope, love and charity, hand in hand, upward and onward…

Onward and Upward We Go!

From the middle of life onward, only he remains vitally alive who is ready to die with life.

Samuel Johnson

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.

Henry Ford

I have started the process of a huge change in my life.  I have decided to close my business of 5 years.  The decision process was long and arduous and not without tears and heartache.  “Why” is the question everyone asks, of course.  “Why” is a long discussion.  Of course, the first and foremost reason is our economic climate, which has NOT been friendly to small business owners.  And that is all I will say on that topic.

The other reasons are far more interesting.  Is it too cliché to say the business ran out of road?  If you think of it as a living and breathing entity, does it also have a life span?  Going even deeper than that, did it serve its purpose and is no longer relevant?  If we live our lives based on an earlier uninformed decision and don’t adjust as time goes by, we will stagnate.  So, long story short, the business reached the end of the road.  Yes, when I opened, I hoped to become the next lingerie mogul, but alas, that was not to be.

Then again, and more importantly, I gained so much more in the way of friends, experiences (good and bad), knowledge and direction.  It segued me from where I was to where I am now.  And I am so grateful for all of it, good and bad.  I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.  So I bless it as it goes away.

I also realized that the place I am in right now is brand new, with no attachments to the past.  This business was attached to so many parts of what once was. In leaving it, I also leave behind the sorrows, the entanglements, and the former me.  It is bittersweet and difficult to imagine moving forward without these constant companions of the past.  But we must shed these old and ill fitting ideals of the past to blossom into the newness of uncertainty.

I awoke last night to three black entities (shadow people as they are called) running through my room.  It scared the crap out of me.  I understand they represent the dark side, fear, uncertainty.  But they also represent an opening in spirit and soul, where the good and the not so good can enter for contemplation and reflection.  I told my dear friend of this incident and she said the best of me is being birthed as we speak.  That is good to know because with change comes fear or discomfort (why would you change otherwise?) and we tend to overlook the goodness that is coming from this.

This reflection is also bittersweet.  People, places, things, that are attached to the old come flooding into mind.  Maybe to say their goodbyes.  Maybe to ask to be remembered.  Maybe to tell us they still love us and remind us of their importance in our growth.  I don’t know for sure.  Some will be forgotten.  But the ones that created the most agitation will remain on the shelves in our souls and be taken down and dusted now and then, without the sentiment that brought them to us originally.

I read this a few days ago and it spoke to the place I am in at the moment.

As you communicate, so what you say unlocks doors for you. They open up on the inside as much as the outside. These doors take you further into the palace of truth. Life is inviting you to sink your foundations in the soil of essence. It is offering increased substance.

“A real life is the life of essence. You can call it soul, or God within you, or whatsoever you will.” --Osho

And what is essence? Essence is your original face without any masks. Essence is that which you brought into the world when you were born. Essence is that which was with you in the womb. Essence is that which has been given to you by God – or whatsoever you call the totality, the whole, existence. Essence is a gift from existence to you.

So, I welcome a rediscovery of my true essence as I move forward into new territory.  I give thanks to what I am leaving behind.  In the words of  Mary Church Terrell, and so, lifting as we climb, onward and upward we go, struggling and striving, and hoping that the buds and blossoms of our desires will burst into glorious fruition.

Open During Construction

As I move forward and have dropped from my bags the past issues, problems, stories, events, leaving me feeling lighter every day, there is still one “thing” that eludes the shedding. I never imagined that shedding parts of your life would be so exhausting. Or is it that there was way too much stuff attached to me that it took all I had to remove it?

In making one decision, one simple decision, it felt as if layers of me fell off in sheets. Okay, this one done. Now this one. And wow, I forgot about this. Gone too. And not just decisions made. Attitudes totally shifted. The stressors that kept me up at night and made life difficult are now diminished if not gone. They are no longer part of who I am; they belong to who I once was. So bother me if you want, throw your weight at me, make faces, scream. It may ruffle one feather. But for the most part, I am now just caretaking what is on its way out. I will “sit” for it, but not for long.

Another “me” is emerging and it requires all that I have to keep up with it. Yet, there is that nagging item that won't give up. During the turmoil of the last few years, this item moved deeper and deeper into the past. There has been no input from it. Every now and then, it would revisit and its memories would run wildly through my head.

It had been on a hiatus and only now has returned. It does not want to be shed and put on a shelf somewhere in the deep storage of my brain. It is the one item that has not been completed. There has been no door closed and locked on it. And I don’t suppose there will be. At least not in a neat way.

It will hang around and nag me now and then during this new construction phase. Eventually, it will be pushed out of the current chaos and stored on a basement shelf behind a closed door. It will fade, age and decrease in size so that it eventually will fit neatly into an open crevice within my cellar walls. And I suppose that one day, it will crawl out and say, Hey, Babycakes. And I hope that when that does happen, Babycakes will not recognize it nor remember the reasons it was coveted for so long. And then, poof, that old creaky door will close for good.

Foiled by the Thong!

I went to court this morning for the arraignment of the man responsible for the robbery and assault at my store 2 1/2 years ago.


Detective Keats (not his real name) was the police officer who came that fateful day to get evidence from the crime scene. He said to me today, “See, Eden, I told you we’d get the guy. Two and a half years later but we got him.” I responded, “Yes, you said you would,” but deep down I thought it would never happen. And I was okay with that. I was “over” it and had moved on.

Oh, there were about four times since the event that detectives came to the store with photos of suspects for me to look at. And I did my duty of looking at the photos. Prior to them having a fingerprint match, I picked out the guy they thought was the man responsible, out of the photo lineup. But I didn’t have faith that they would find the guy this many years later.

As I sat in court today and looked over to where the detectives sit, I realized I knew most of them. And why? I didn’t meet them at a social or family event. I have met each one due to an incident at the store. And they know me well. I have come to respect and like them all. I don’t think they get the respect they deserve in town.

Dave (not his real name), a patrol/beat cop and part time special forces army reserve specialist, who goes off to duty to very dangerous areas of the world every couple of years and is gone for a year each time, said that most of the cops in town are not very well regarded by some merchants. People assume they are dumb and socially inept.

And I’m thinking, WHY in god’s name would you NOT want these guys on your side? They have come to my aid many times (too many for my liking). I have come to know and love the regular beat cops who patrol the streets and stop in to say hi and chat a bit when on duty. These are the guys you WANT on your side. Dave was on the scene of the last incident right away and told me I scared the hell out of him because he couldn’t see me right away in the window and he thought something bad happened to me. He is the one who tells me the truth about the criminal world and gives me good advice. I respect him and I know he is there to protect me. This burly army dude is a friend now for life. So I know he’s got my back.

The judge on the bench today was identical to a dear friend, and I pictured what Mike would say and do in this situation. I chuckled to myself as I pictured the judge in a Groucho Marx costume, as Mike came dressed in this past Halloween, and doing his judge duties the whole morning in that character.

I didn’t know if “my perp” would be there today as I am not familiar (thank God) with the criminal justice system (although I AM becoming more familiar and that disturbs me). He was being arraigned. As it turns out, his bus was late in getting there but finally arrived with the criminals. When they called his name I didn’t know if it was him. I was never told what his name was. When they called my name along with his, then I finally had a name to put with the face I had identified three times now.

I went up to the bench and the DA pulled me aside to take me to a small room to discuss what would happen. I wanted to look at this man, Edmund Tate. I don’t know why. I kept looking at him. The judge asked him a question and I heard his voice again and I cringed, knowing this was the man who harmed me. I had also asked to hear his voice when I identified him in the physical lineup. I had seen his picture three times and remembered the face but I wanted to make sure it was him. Human senses are amazing for recall. Of all of the senses, smell has the most powerful memory recall system.

"When nothing else subsists from the past, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered• the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls• bearing resiliently, on tiny and almost impalpable drops of their essence, the immense edifice of memory" -Marcel Proust "The Remembrance of Things Past"

I thought at the physical line up, “If I could only smell him, I would have absolute certainty that he was the man who assaulted me”. Of course I couldn’t, but to this day, I recall the days after the assault, I kept smelling him on me. I was certain that everyone around me could as well, but my husband assured me that there was no smell. That is how profound the sense of smell has on memory.

I think I wanted him to look at me in court, to see the woman who is strong and didn’t fall apart during his assault on me; the one who said no to his demands. I told him he had gotten what he came here for and he needed to leave. I wanted to give him the look that my children and their friends have come to know; the look that Officer Dave said scared the last two guys who attempted to rob me. They told him they didn’t because, one, they saw me press the panic button to call police (I did that right in front of them), and two, they said I gave them a look. My kids said, yep, we know that look. It scares everyone!

So I wanted him to look at me and see that he lost. I remembered everything he did and said and what he touched. He was sloppy that day. He didn’t wear a mask, he didn’t wear gloves. When you get nervous, you start sweating and he left his DNA and fingerprints all over the store. Detective Keats, said he got some juicy fingerprints. The perp was sloppy and cocky enough to think that this is just another robbery that he would get away with. His record is a long one; of robberies, bodily assaults, sexual assaults, and drug deals.

And what does he get caught for? A robbery at a little lingerie boutique in a small town. He left his DNA on a ladies thong that he tore apart to tie me up with. How apropos. He’s going down because his sexual deviate behavior led him to man-handle a thong, to go one step further to intimidate me to show his sexual power over me. For what - a minor haul on his part (he only got a couple of hundred dollars in cash – but he did take my wedding band and my favorite ring from Greece which maybe got him another $100 in pawn money) – all this manliness and power asserted on the wrong person in a tiny boutique in nowhere important.

So I wanted this dickhead to know he messed with the wrong woman. Enough is enough I say. I have had way too many events like this in my lifetime and I am done. Look at my face and know that “look” that scares my children and their friends.

But he didn’t look at me. And they pulled me into the back room before he left the judge’s bench. I looked back like a kid that is being taken away from a really good TV show or baseball game, armed being pulled as I strained to keep my eyes on him.

So that ordeal can now close its door, another chapter over in this life. That door was open a long time. I told a dear friend that I would write a story about it as I had with another horrific event that closed its door many, many years ago. I need to find humor in the tales of my life. I said I couldn’t just yet with this story. She said it needs a little patina on it, a little distance and “curing”. The story I write about it later will indeed find the humor and poignancy that only distance can bring.

However, my son reminded me that this dickhead, prior to leaving, after he tied me up, picked up a little lube on his way out. He said, “the guy probably had his girlfriend in the car who told him, “and don’t forget the lube!” “

He grabbed the box as he ran out. It was an empty display box. The thong “got” him. And no lube.

Closing the Door with a Soft Hush

An "event" from three years ago re-presented itself in my psyche the other day.  After three years waiting for review at the state police level, they found the guy that robbed me in my store.  They had fingerprints, an ID from me; but it takes the state that long to process fingerprints.  If I was murdered, it might have come in faster! Cancel, cancel, cancel! (this is what you are supposed to say when you have a negative thought - so it doesn't settle in and manifest itself)

No, I am no longer angry or even anxious about the event.  It is over and I processed it and moved on.  But - it DID bring it all back to the forefront.  After three years, I didn't know if I would remember his face when presented a photo of him.  But I did pick him out and as soon as they find him and arrest him, there will be a physical line up where I will have to identify him again.  I am wondering if his actual presence in front of me will trigger old feelings or if I truly am over this.

On a side note, I asked where he was and they said it is kind of tricky to extradite him from Indiana where he is believed to be so they were going to go to a court hearing for him and question him about my robbery.  Mind you, the guy has a record a mile long, is a convicted sex offender as well as other niceties.  I said, what guy is going to remember one robbery out of one hundred?  They said you'd be surprised.  It's kind of like their trophies.  They remember each time they were successful at being a dickhead.

So I went through the whole event again over and over in my brain.  I got angry at myself again for letting him take my wedding band.  Actually for letting him get away with the whole deal here in the store.  Just me I guess, with wild thoughts like that. 

The real point, though, is that the event itself was a turning point in my life.  I saw my angel therapist practitioner who said it was a life wake up call.  And when I look back, it was.  Sometimes you need to get really shaken up to make changes in your life.

I didn't make any real changes.  What I did was realize where I stood in my own life, what my purpose was, who mattered to me and who didn't, who cared about me and who didn't.  It created a huge shift in my perspective at that time.  And that shift brought new people into my life and some old ones were left behind.

The shift was also in consciousness.  A wake up call to my soul. Where was I going?  What did I want to do when I grew up?  I did grow up.  Spiritually and mentally.  And I find myself there again.

No, I didn't get a wake up call like that of three years ago (fortunately!).  It came as a door closing to my past and ideas that were sifting in my brain settled on a decision.  Just like that!  Well, when the decision comes, it comes in an instant, just like that.  Poof.  You were in one state of mind, and now you are in a total other state of mind.  Well, it isn't poof.  You've been hemming and hawing over ideas, thoughts, things for a while and finally your brain makes a decision.  Or should I say your soul makes a decision.  The thoughts/ideas came into your brain randomly at this time or another and they float around for a long while and then, POOF, a decision is made.  It's about time!!!!

The floating around isn't easy and billowy and soft like a breeze through a window softly blowing curtains around.  It is the anxiety ridden monkey mind that I spoke of in a previous blog that is making you CRAZY!  That's not to say that my monkeys have left my head (The monkeys have left the building!  had to say that...).  They still occupy a portion of my mind.  I have just been able to cage and tame a few of them.

I have to say, again, that it amazes me each time it happens.  That is, when you make movement in some way towards change, doors open, people show up, things happen.  Ideas that were floating around made their way to the top of the list and now they are starting to be acted upon.  It is absolutely amazing to me.

A very dear friend told me yesterday that I should be just as excited and hopeful about the door being closed as I am about the next door opening.  That I should put as much joy, excitement  and hopefulness into closing that chapter of my life as I am in exploring the next. Closing one door is NOT failure.  I have gained so much, met some wonderful people.   When you make a decision, you want to move forward NOW.  At least that is how I am.  Let's do this thing RIGHT NOW.  What I need to do is bless and love and give thanks to what I have accomplished and am letting go of.

So I am so very thankful that this turning point in my life was not precedented by a traumatic event. (thank you thank you thank you!!!)  It is about our becoming the next version of ourselves and addressing the challenges it brings.  As my dear friend Peggy said, "What do you have to leave behind when moving on?  What works and what doesn't?  How do I attract what's next and when it presents itself, how will I act on it?

Okay, I am ready!  I also plan on putting my monkeys to work.  Instead of their own ideas, they are charged with acting on MY next version of my life.  After all, I am the boss of me (as my children used to say to me!).  So let's make our move!

A new year is a-coming!

As I sit here in my store the day after Christmas and find myself utterly alone, I am not saddened by the lack of customers on this blustery winter day. I find myself thinking about what is to come and looking forward to a new year. This past year was a difficult one. It was also a year of tremendous change. It was a great learning year as well.

We all suffered loss in the economic crisis. And those that didn't adjust to this new way of life didn't make it. There are businesses around me that didn't heed the warnings and are either closed or soon to be closing.

This past year was also a difficult one personally. I lost people that were very dear to me. I was present when my father in law left this earth after a long struggle with cancer. It had a profound impact on me and I am blessed that I was able to be there. Other people left because our lessons were learned from each other. Those losses are most difficult because we don't want them to go but it just isn't right anymore and there is too much strife to have them in your life. They will always be with me in my heart. I learned so much.

I also met some wonderful new people whom I will take with me on a new path that is in the works as I write this. I know it's cliche, but it is true, when one door closes, another opens. And those that are behind the closed door have left an indelible mark.

But I now look to a new year, new friends, new opportunities, a freshness that comes with this new snowfall that I am now looking at. Cleaning out the old from last year to make way for a fresh new year. I think it's time to go ride a horse again! It's been way too long and my heart and soul need it. So if I don't write again, Happy New Year! I can't wait to see what it has in store for me!!

Meraki - The Soul's Work

Once again I find myself sifting though old papers that have piled up over the months/years/decades... Lately it has been a time of cleanup in my life. So much has been thrown out from the last incarnation or donated to causes I once did work for. So yes, that does make me feel better that there is use of stuff I have no use for anymore.

And I came across this. Meraki. A Greek word meaning "to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put yourself into what you are doing."

And again, it popped up when I needed it. Now. Once more sign that tells me I am on the right track. I watched a music show a while ago and they were interviewing Richard Marx, who said when you have a passion, money doesn't drive you, fame doesn't drive you. He said it is this inner passion, a feeling of "there is nothing else", a drive to create regardless of any outer focus. This is the way of the true artist. It is all within. And I get it.

I watch my son, who is a musician, work because he is driven by an inner desire that precedes any outer reason. he gave up a steady gig with steady pay because it did not "juice" him anymore. It didn't fulfill his need to create and he let it go to move forward. He doesn't look back. He moves forward with such confidence. And I get it. So I don't worry. I know he will be fine.

So I continue to clear out, empty, and then water the visions and dreams a bit each day. I know they are growing. I've seen it happen before. And I'll do it with Meraki!

Liminality - the Space In Between

Reality is the place between the sea and the foam. Irish Proverb

Dictionary.com defines it as:

the transitional period or phase of a rite of passage, during which the participant lacks social status or rank, remains anonymous,shows obedience and humility, and follows prescribed forms of conduct, dress, etc.

It is defined as the space in-between. It is emptiness and nowhere. It is a place of dying and rebirth, the space between death and rebirth, something that cannot be seen. Liminality is where transformation occurs. It is when we are betwixt and between, and by definition, not in control. An uncomfortable place to be if you ask me, but a place of impending change, which to me is exciting.

In the book, Crossing to Avalon - it is described as passing through a gateway, a threshold - an in between zone where we are neither who we used to be nor who we are becoming. We are standing in a doorway between two phases of our own life.

In this liminal phase we are vulnerable, thin skinned, which means we are open to new growth. T.S. Eliot wrote about a point of intersection of the timeless with time. It is a place where eternal and ordinary perception overlap the spiritual world and visible reality come together. Only in periods of availability will a person respond to a call to adventure or love and the lessons they bring.

Okay, so what does this mean and why even talk about it? I came upon notes I had taken from books and other readings, which are shared above, at the right time in my life.

As I came back from a spectacular trip to the Omega Institute for a Women's Leadership conference, thoughts were screaming in my head, copious notes had been taken the whole weekend, I rewrote my ideas for a retreat center, cleared out some old personal "garbage", and was ready to take on the work of my next incarnation.

And I got home and none of this happened. I couldn't write, my thoughts were unclear, my head foggy. I got sick recently, which put my head in an ever worse fog and I wondered what happened to that energy and spark that was on fire in New York. Even my meetings with people I met on that trip didn't spark anything new or exciting. What was wrong with me?

Then tonight, as I tried to free write in my journal (with no luck), I came across old notes and writings, which included liminality. And I realized where I was at this moment in my life. Funny, once again, if you look for the signs, they are here in front of you.

I guess I, too, am in another state of transition, that place in between. I am letting go of the old and worn out but the new has not presented itself yet. Jung calls the psychological journey to wholeness as individuation, a task of the 2nd half of life.

So, again, I wait, quietly, because I know in the quiet and nothingness, things are happening that are out of my control, out of my realm of thought. It tires me, this non-work. But it also excites me, as I know out of it comes newness, new thought, new direction, new beginnings, new you.

Seven Year Cycle

"The number Seven was esteemed holy, as is well known, by reason of the six days of creation, and of the seventh, which is the celestial man, in whom is peace, rest, and the sabbath..." - Swedenborg A.R. 657 The last post was about my dying smoke tree. Well, I looked out the window today and every single branch is dying. I resigned myself to letting it go through the winter and then cutting it back in the early spring and feeding it very well to encourage new growth and another year of life. And then it seemed to me that maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should just let nature take its course and allow the poor thing to die peacefully with no life support of any kind. It blessed me this summer with the most beautiful blooms I have ever seen it its lifetime. And the blooms lasted throughout the rest of the summer and into the fall. It was breathtaking. And it should have reminded me that I certainly know that when a plant blooms this heavy and for so long, it is saying its farewell. Such a sweet thank you I received and didn't pay enough attention to. I planted that tree around 7 years ago. The Seven Cycle Year is the time to rest, to deepen your philosophy, to reflect and build inner reserves. It is the start of the fruition cycle. In the plant stage the plant rests from growth as it puts its accumulated reserves of energy into the blossoms which causes the flowers to unfold. The seven-year cycles are an evolutionary spiral. They belong to every being that has ever been created. There is no one who does not go through them. There is a natural release of energy every seven years which encourages you to move forward and make changes. Every seven years there is, within the system, a total change. If I look back, 7 years ago I had left my position at Garfield Park Conservatory. My swan song had been the county fair of September 2002. It was a glorious finish to my career there, an event coordinated with the City of Chicago's World Music Fest. Over 4 thousand people attended the one day event. It bloomed for a day and then I was gone.

And in the past seven years, I have changed careers, opened a business, lost two parents and other loved ones, lost some friends, and weathered an economic nightmare!

But I have also gained some wonderful new friends, been blessed with a business that allows me to create and expand in so many other ways. I don't know if the last seven years have been restful but they sure have been thought inducing, full of reflection and I have had to build major emotional and energy reserves to keep it all together! All to become the flowering/fruiting process. And that is what my tree did. It spent 6 glorious years building to that last gorgeous bloom and is stepping aside for the next tree, plant, project, etc. As for me, the last seven years have been of change, transition, building reserves, so that the next seven will be fruitful. I do feel that itch. It is an irritation that has no name yet. Just a funny little feeling that started this year, the sixth year. I've felt it before. It is that final push before the next big thing pops up. It used to bother me, that funny little feeling, and it still does. But I get it. I understand. Or at least I know it is temporary. And I look forward to what unfolds next. Because many seeds have been planted in the last seven years. And being a gardener, I know that not all the seeds will germinate. I will have to sit quietly and wait to see what pops up out of the ground. Who knows, maybe it will be a new smoke tree sapling next spring. Oh, I will tend to my dear plant as it fades. If I am diligent, I may be able to steal another year out of it, but I don't think it will bloom as it did this year. And if it quietly goes permanently dormant this winter, I will mourn the loss but celebrate a new season of growth, of change, of awe for the ever changing life around me.

Season of Change

Today I found out my beloved smoke tree has verticillium wilt and it is dying. It started this decline two years ago and I was able to give it a dose of "help" that got it through another couple of years. This summer it bloomed so profusely and it was breathtaking. Unfortunately, I know from years as a horticulturist, that this type of bloom is a plant's last ditch effort to "seed" before it dies. And I believe this is what is happening.

Why am I bothering to tell you this? Well, several things. Attachment is one. I coveted this tree. It is a rare variety that I searched for and finally found at Rich's Fox Willow Pines. Instead of the normal burgundy bloom from the common variety, these blooms started pink and turned rose and then a dark rose and they are so large and last from June through August. I loved that tree and cared for it as I would a child and reveled at the spectacular show every year. And it grew twice the size it's supposed to grow which made me even more proud. I became very attached to that tree.

As many religions will tell you, attachment is not good. And now it is dying. Oh, I will try my best to do whatever I can to save it another year knowing it made its final show for me and now needs to go. And I will cry. And then I will release the pain, rework the yard and find another plant to take its place. Unfortunately, I cannot plant another one like this in the same place as the disease is in the soil would kill the next one as well. So I must say goodbye to my dear friend.

A few weeks back, I said goodbye to another very good friend (human.....) and it hurts badly to do this. But the time had come and change is due. Out with the old.....

It makes me look back to a jade plant I propagated back in school about 22 years ago. One tiny little jade leaf was planted in my basic horticulture class when I was just learning the basics of horticulture. This was when I had made another huge transition in my life and was changing careers and went back to school. I cared for this plant and it grew into a huge jade tree from that one leaf. It would have gone for over $300 in a retail plant shop. I was proud of the work I had done for those 15 or so years.

Five years ago the pot broke and the plant fell out and broke in a million pieces. My huge jade tree was now scattered all over the floor. I was crushed! I took care of that plant for 15 years, grew it into the huge beautiful specimen that it once was!

I then realized that it had served its purpose in my life. I was changing careers again and was saying goodbye to my horticulture career. So I replanted the few pieces into a new pot and started fresh. My life was once again transitioning and with that, death of some sort is inevitable. You cannot start new without the old dying. I let go of that plant, that life period, and faced a whole new season of my life.

So, as much as it pains me to lose my beloved tree, I believe once again it is the season of change. Losing things dear to you makes way for newness, new people, new events, and yes, new trees. Once again, I must let go of the old to make way for the new. And it isn't easy. If it was, we would never change.

Hopefully we learn from those things we must now let go of. My new "old" jade plant is growing nicely. It came back. It is different, but I still have it. And if the people I have had to let go come back, they too will be different. We will be different. And that will be good. And they will be welcomed. As will my beautiful smoke tree, someday....

Dumping

Tonight I gave away more supplies from my last incarnation. Boxes and boxes of dried herbs, candle making supplies, pots, dried flowers, left out the back door and entered into a car that would drive them to a not-for-profit organization who would recycle them into the same crafts I originally bought them for.

It's funny how life cycles, down to flower picks and adaptable tools from 20 years of horticulture programming. It made me feel good to know that these items wouldn't go to a landfill, that some child or person with a disability would benefit. And so my work continues, work that I left behind two years ago now.

Work that I will probably go back to some day. Don't' we all do that? In some form, in some recycled way. Life keeps turning itself over and over. Nothing is new. It may look and feel new, but if you look closely, it is just a shiny new coat of paint over an old and comfortably worn job, or idea, or hobby. That's why it is so comfortable and feels like home.

And when we learn something new, it is woven into our old, comfy ways of doing things. It all becomes part and parcel to our wonderful selves. Yes, aging can have it's aggravations, like stiff joints and a few extra whiskers where there once were none. But it also gives you more patience, more wisdom, more skills.

So now, as I wake each morning with unease, I know I've been there before. Oh, yeah, transition. Done that before. Yeah, it's tough. It doesn't feel good, this out with the old to make way for the new. But I know it will pass. It always does. So now I look at it with wonder and excitement (after I've dealt with the early morning panic!) and know there is some exciting new stuff that is out there brewing. And it's brewing with some of the old stuff, which seasons the pot and makes for a better outcome.

I'm just one big recycled life. But no one picked up my old life in their car tonight. Just some old stuff pushed out of an old life.

Clearing Out to Make Way for New

Oh how cliche! How many times have we heard this saying. Clean out the old to make way for the new. But what the heck does that mean? At one point in my life it used to be clearing out the old clothes/shoes/purses/underwear to make way for a new batch that was probably already in the house with nowhere to be stashed.

Or at another time, it was clear out the old boyfriend as the new one was waiting in the wings. Or on a sadder note, clearing out your desk as in you've been fired!

But now, as I move along further towards my "golden years", clearing out takes on a whole new meaning. Literally, I DO need to clean and clear out. A lifetime of hoarding - for what I ask - has led to a pile of junk. Add to that the piles of junk of two sons and a husband and you have what it takes to be a guest on the TV show, Hoarders. I, for one, cannot take it anymore. And I seem to be the only one in my house who agrees!

I can't think anymore. The clutter of a lifetime and the increasing "clutter" in my brain, has made it imperative to start dumping. There isn't one inch of room left to ponder, to wonder, to create, let alone think about the next phase of my life.

They are wrong when they say, once the kids are grown, you will have all this time and space to enjoy life. For me, it has become more complicated. There is a grown son on the verge of something quite large and it excites me to have a hand in that, to help, to guide. A husband, who is also needing to sow some new oats, and a teenager who wants to be everything that has ever crossed the dinner table as an idea! I find it all very exciting but it is taking up a big part of space in my ever decreasing brain space.

So, since I am only one person and no longer "superwoman" (was I ever?), I started with the garage yesterday. After all, it was Labor Day. So I labored. Such a need came over me to clear out my last incarnation with was sitting under the current incarnation. Oh, I gave up horticulture programming for good two years ago but couldn't' quite get the nerve to rid myself of all the supplies stored in every nook and cranny for the last 20 years.

"I just might go back to that, you never know......" I am finding out, too, that there are people and relationships attached to those items as well. So I'm clearing out tangible as well as intangible items. Great, more "stuff".

So now, they lay neatly in boxes and piles, waiting for the lucky person who is in need of those supplies for their own programs for adults or children. Who knows, they might be ridding themselves of their own last incarnation to make more room for my supplies!

And as each shelf emptied, a small space was created in my being. In the past, I might have run to fill that space. But no longer is that necessary. I will patiently keep clearing out till there is nothing left but empty space. In the garage, in the basement, in my head. What a glorious moment that will be. And the feeling of floating on air, weightless. What a great place to begin again from. I would like it to happen prior to my Omega Institute trip end of month. Wow, only a couple weeks away.... gotta run...... more to clear.....