All is Done....And All is New

Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity. -- T.S. Eliot

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.  -- T.S. Eliot

My personal meditation on the decision to transform Baubo’s Garden
It is done. It is complete. You are safe, sound, whole, alive. A weight has been lifted. You are warm and whole again.

So, begin again. Goddesses rejoice. Hear their laughter as they surround you. Lead the way to your destiny, your fate. Abundance, laughter, joy, rapture. Feel it. Be it. Be one. Let life flow beside you. Drift in peace knowing you are okay.

Using metaphors for life, change was the long difficult pregnancy. I labored and labored and birthed the new model of me. I persevered till the end, and the beginning. I have been set free to fly to new places, forage like a honey bee searching for the pollen of life to take back to the hive (within) and create the sweet honey nectar of my life; and then to share that sweetness. Forgive my mixed metaphor, but I come from a background of horticulture, where life cycles are key and gardening relates so much to our lives.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.-- T. S. Eliot

You know when you need to move. Your body tells you. Your soul tells you. Some years back, I stopped hearing the music, refused to listen to it for over a year. I am a musician and I was burned out. To me, music is the juice that flows through me, charges me, makes me vibrant. I lost that music of my soul for a time, while life spiraled around me.
It is as T.S. Elliot explains, “It is music heard so deeply that it is not heard at all, but you are the music while the music lasts.”

That is being in the moment, when all is right with your world; everything is aligned; you are at peace; you are creating. This is what I want next – to create that peace; that in just being, it transcends beyond you, to all you come in contact with; to help provide a space, an idea, a peaceful, safe place where others can find their own music or nectar within themselves. That is the task at hand.

The Gnostic way of knowing is feminine wisdom. It is insight, intuition, the process of knowing oneself. To know oneself at the deepest level is to also know God, or your higher power, or whatever, however you understand if for yourself.

I did some free writing last December and wrote that we must align our core essence and then work outwards from it. Clear the core of who you are, shine it up and it will glow outwards. Hearts Within – Love Without.

Let us join on this journey of discovery, hope, love and charity, hand in hand, upward and onward…

More Thoughts on Foiled by The Thong

I was talking with a new friend last night after a poetry performance as we walked to her car. (Funny - I walked her to her car so she wouldn't be alone late at night in a gentrifying Chicago neighborhood and then walked back to the venue alone.  My husband said, "what makes you think YOU don't need a chaperone?"  And I said, "I am done with all assaults on me from now on and if anyone approaches, they will get "the look" that according to my children, can scare anyone away!")  Okay, sorry, a little digression here...

We were talking about the man who robbed me and being in court this past week.  I had been wondering why I was so intent on looking at this man in court.  Why would I ever want to see his face again?  I said in the last blog that I wanted him to look at me and see the strong woman that survived his attempt to scare and belittle me three years ago.  I wanted him to know that he lost and I was better for this experience.

But in talking through it with my friend, I realized that I also wanted to see where that hate, anger and need to dominate his victims came from.  I wanted to look at his face and see if I could find where that anger and possibly hurt came from.

My husband was with me and I asked him what he thought as he saw for the first time the man that did this to his wife.  He said he wasn't quite sure yet but what he did see was a man who was still cocky in front of the judge.  A "thug" is what he called him.   The realization came to him that what was neatly “finished”…the thief was gone, his wife was okay, no major damage done…was not; he realized how serious, how threatening this man could have been to his wife and family.

I think what my husband saw in this man was not cockiness, but fear.  This man's world is coming down on him fast and I believe he was scared.  Hell, I would be!  His disregard for protecting his identity during his crimes came back to haunt him.  He did not disguise his face or take care about leaving fingerprints, which is what ultimately led the police to him.  His list of crimes is long.  Did his confidence in getting away with so many of his crimes lead to this cockiness that my husband saw?  Is he just waiting it out to see what choices the state will offer him for his sentencing?  Oh, he is definitely going to jail and from what I have heard, for a long time. 

Digressing again.  I believe I was hoping to find what crime was done to him to turn him into this hardened criminal.  What awful thing happened to him early in his life to lead him down this path of drugs and crime?  Who hurt him so bad that he needed to harm women?

Oh, I am not feeling sorry for him.  He chose the life he is leading.  We all make choices, good or bad.  Even if the only choices in front of us seem bad or worse, we still individually make them.  We all have free will.  Even I had choices to make when he entered my life that day.  And I also had choices to make afterward.  I could have closed the store out of fear of another incident like this one.  I could have become angry and turned that anger inward or outward onto others.

So I guess I wanted both the other day; to try to understand how he became the evil, hurtful, angry man he is today and to let him see that his assault on me made me even stronger.  Every day in our lives provides us with lessons for learning and living by.  And having to relive that event has provided more insight into myself.  And as it patinas and ages and "cures", it will provide more insight for growth and understanding.  I am not angry about it.  Life continues to shape us daily whether we like it or not!

So, a plea to my guardian angels, goddesses, gods and whomever else is listening, PLEASE give me the likes on a daily basis from now on?  Thank you!

I Have Become My Mother.....

It is done, complete. I have become my mother.  Remember when we were younger and always said, "I will never be like you, mother."  Well, it is time I eat my words.  It appears that I am wired by some genetic code to be just like mom.  Damn that DNA!!!!

Okay, let's not get too worked up about this.  It has been slow to come and I am getting constant reminders of why I am becoming yiayia (Greek for grandma).  My sons call them yiayia moments.  My husband calls them Dee-isms.  And I have grown tired of them reminding me of my own request of them to put me out on the water if I ever become like Dee.

So I am driving to the gym this morning, talking to my hubby, and I notice that the workout pants I have on have holes up and down the now paper thin crotch area.  I hate to admit as well that these pants are probably as old as my oldest son (24 next Monday).  It was at that moment that I had officially become Dee.  My husband gleefully reminded me of my mother's polyester brown track suit
that she wore for years and years and years and.....well, I think you get it.....

My hubby didn't believe me when I said they were going in the garbage as soon as I got to the gym.  He said he was going to find them in my drawer and on me again and again.  Sorry, dude, they are now in the garbage can going to a landfill!  I am ashamed that I didn't give them to Goodwill, but I was scared they they WOULD end up in my drawer again so they were immediately disposed of.

But it got me to thinking more about our similarities.  I, like Mother, can no longer remember people's names.  It used to give me a chuckle when Dee would ask me who the person was that was coming towards her as she was smiling that fake, I have no idea who the hell you are, smile, at them.  I would wait till the very last minute when she was gritting profanities though that smile and then give her the name.

Not too long ago, we were at my son's gig and my brother was there.  My brother in law came in and had never met my  own brother, who asked who he was.  And at that moment, I lost the name.  It was gone.  A person I see all the time.  Just gone from my brain and nothing was going to get it back.  It didn't come back to me till an hour later in the middle of a song, when it popped out of my mouth, like turret's syndrome.  Of course, I was very excited that my brain still worked.

So, it has happened, and I now have to keep an eye out for the trip to the ocean where my sons might
offer me a solo boat ride.  I WILL fight it all the way to the loony bin, of course.  That is till I can't remember any more why I am wearing a brown track suit or sitting in a boat without a paddle.

Angels in our Midst....again.

I was reading another blog post today.  it was written by the woman who works for me.  So much has happened since I hired her.  And so much has happened to her since that time as well. It got me thinking about how angels are right in front of you all the time, all you have to do is pay attention.

Christina was one of those angels.  She dropped into my life out of the blue.  Well, seems she knew me before I really knew her.  She had shopped at the store prior to me really noticing her. (It is hard to remember everyone that comes into the store unless you make such a hullabaloo that it is impossible NOT to remember.)

When she contacted me about a job, I had no need for help but there was something in her demeanor that told me to not let this pass by without some more investigation.  So I took a chance.  And that chance turned out to be a huge blessing to me and the store.  It seems that when the two of us are together, the energy or vibe or something blows up big and amazing things happen.

We created a huge project together on breast cancer awareness, sales increased at the store, as did the customer base.  I wasn't sure when we met, but my gut told me to take a leap of faith.  she was, IS an angel in my life.  She has no idea what she has done for me personally as well as what she does at the store.  I don't know if she ever will understand it totally.

We banter back and forth about many things, laugh hysterically and talk about our very similar lives.  It feels like she is a younger version of me.  And now she is a staff writer for a local newspaper and fashion blogger.  She loves to write and is excellent at it.  Of course, in her growth spurt of this year, she told me she couldn't work for me like she had in the past.  It broke my heart but I know it is the right thing for her and I will be okay at the store.  I trust that our lives will be connected in one way or another and I thank her for coming into my life.

Prior to Christina, there was another "angel" who popped in at the worst personal time for me.  He helped me out of the funk and into the world of online newsletters, which has become a huge part of my information railway at the store and beyond.  I have added many options to the newsletter that are above and beyond a traditional retail store newsletter.

And just a few days ago, a new angel came into the store.  She was a new customer and there wasn't anything outstanding about our encounter until I handed her the bag of just purchased goodies.  I was wearing a silver charm bracelet and one of the charms is an angel.  That charm's outstretched arm hooked onto the handle of the bag as I was handing it to the customer.  We laughed when we looked down and she gasped as she told me she believes in angels and knows they surround her all the time.  She said she can tap into their goodness, power, wisdom at any time.

We laughed at this mishap and chatted a while about angels in our midst, knowing that they indeed are with us always.  I know I will see her again and I look forward to our next conversation with all four of us!

A new year is a-coming!

As I sit here in my store the day after Christmas and find myself utterly alone, I am not saddened by the lack of customers on this blustery winter day. I find myself thinking about what is to come and looking forward to a new year. This past year was a difficult one. It was also a year of tremendous change. It was a great learning year as well.

We all suffered loss in the economic crisis. And those that didn't adjust to this new way of life didn't make it. There are businesses around me that didn't heed the warnings and are either closed or soon to be closing.

This past year was also a difficult one personally. I lost people that were very dear to me. I was present when my father in law left this earth after a long struggle with cancer. It had a profound impact on me and I am blessed that I was able to be there. Other people left because our lessons were learned from each other. Those losses are most difficult because we don't want them to go but it just isn't right anymore and there is too much strife to have them in your life. They will always be with me in my heart. I learned so much.

I also met some wonderful new people whom I will take with me on a new path that is in the works as I write this. I know it's cliche, but it is true, when one door closes, another opens. And those that are behind the closed door have left an indelible mark.

But I now look to a new year, new friends, new opportunities, a freshness that comes with this new snowfall that I am now looking at. Cleaning out the old from last year to make way for a fresh new year. I think it's time to go ride a horse again! It's been way too long and my heart and soul need it. So if I don't write again, Happy New Year! I can't wait to see what it has in store for me!!

The Old Woman I Shall Become...

The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning.... -George Sand

As I was contemplating old age, crone hood (as I am entering it) and the prospects of saggy everything, I came across this quote. And it made me think more on the ever approaching moment of crone hood.

Each chance, each feeling, each responsibility we commit our self to adds to the richness of our womanhood. I am no longer yesterday's woman. I am today's woman. And tomorrow I will also be today's woman, tomorrow! Yikes!

The weird thing is that I'll never be able to go back to her, without knowing, that she no longer meets the needs of the new woman emerging. I will look forward o these changes, to the older, wiser, (and hopefully sexier and a heck of a lot of fun) woman I am becoming. A woman who has perspective and wisdom to see the crap for what it is and let it go, to understand that the pain that is overwhelming right now is making way for this new lady of the world who will be a better version of the first.

If only I could trust and accept these lessons, to understand the words I have said myself - without the discomfort of pain, change cannot occur. Trust in the path I am on is what I need to believe daily. And look forward to the peace that comes with becoming.

Meraki - The Soul's Work

Once again I find myself sifting though old papers that have piled up over the months/years/decades... Lately it has been a time of cleanup in my life. So much has been thrown out from the last incarnation or donated to causes I once did work for. So yes, that does make me feel better that there is use of stuff I have no use for anymore.

And I came across this. Meraki. A Greek word meaning "to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put yourself into what you are doing."

And again, it popped up when I needed it. Now. Once more sign that tells me I am on the right track. I watched a music show a while ago and they were interviewing Richard Marx, who said when you have a passion, money doesn't drive you, fame doesn't drive you. He said it is this inner passion, a feeling of "there is nothing else", a drive to create regardless of any outer focus. This is the way of the true artist. It is all within. And I get it.

I watch my son, who is a musician, work because he is driven by an inner desire that precedes any outer reason. he gave up a steady gig with steady pay because it did not "juice" him anymore. It didn't fulfill his need to create and he let it go to move forward. He doesn't look back. He moves forward with such confidence. And I get it. So I don't worry. I know he will be fine.

So I continue to clear out, empty, and then water the visions and dreams a bit each day. I know they are growing. I've seen it happen before. And I'll do it with Meraki!

Seasons are a-Changin'!

It never ceases to amaze me, the zigs and zags of your life, how it's course changes in the blink of an eye, the change in direction so small, yet so determined and angled perfectly that sometimes you can't see it till a new person enters, or an old acquaintance reappears, and brings into the forefront an idea that had been cooking in your head for a while. I've said it before and I will say it again, an idea is hatched and is planted into the universe and then, if it is cared for and tended to, grows into a live project. It may have a face not quite like the original one, but has become a life of its own. I came back from the Women's Leadership and Power conference a few weeks back at the Omega Institute, and since then I have not been able to write anything. I was so filled with stories of hope and encouragement. I was so filled up that I tweaked my plans a bit more and added to them (of course), and came home with such a need to start working on these ideas. But I couldn't. Nothing would come. The next week I attended a luncheon for the Chicago Women's' Foundation, an organization that funds womens projects. I came away from that with more ideas, and was re-acquainted with former workmates. Again, I could not write. And so I wait. Phone calls have been made. Meetings have been set with new and old colleagues. The seeds are being tended to. And even though it is Fall, I feel a sense of newness is coming. Seasons are a-changin'. And I await with such enthusiasm, the transition that is coming, trowel, watering can and compost in hand.

Divine Fate? Angels in my Midst?

So a short time ago, I wanted to attend Omega Institutes Women's Conference at the end of September. And when I went to sign up, it was full and reservations were closed. And there was a contest to win tickets to the conference.

I entered the conference, posted my entry.....and didn't win. I figured if I was meant to go, I would win the contest. So the contest deadline came and went and no word. So I wasn't meant to go. Ok, I get that. I am okay with that. I guess. There is always next year.

A few weeks back I just decided to look at the website again and just tease and torture myself (because that is just what I like to do.....), check out who was speaking and so on. I also decided to see if I could register (torturing myself further) because we all need to get shot down twice, right?

To my extreme surprise, the site let me register. I couldn't believe it! I didn't believe it! Why would I? These things don't happen to me!

Or do they?

So I decided it was a mistake, a glitch in their site software. And I didn't buy an airline ticket. I said if they confirm my registration, only then will I buy a ticket. A few days passed, nothing. Then on the fourth day of waiting, it was confirmed! And I bought my airfare.

So I am going! I guess I WAS meant to go to this! Wow, can't wait. A powerful weekend awaits me. What else can I expect that I wouldn't normally expect? Are there angels in my midst? There have been before. I will call them in again. (I really DID pray to every power I know for help!) And wait in wonder for the magic to happen.

Manifest Your Dreams

"All we are is a result of what we have thought." Buddha

I found some notes today in my take to work bag. Don't know when or where they come from. Wow, I really need to get all these notes into one place. I read a lot and take notes on what I read; things that really touched me or that I want to remember. A good deal of them make more sense later on when you come back to them and reread. I think it is because at the time of writing them, they are thoughts in the air and in writing them down, they become wishes, seeds, dreams of things to come. And thus manifesting occurs.

Plant a seed, water it, and it grows. I know that. I am a horticulturist. I've been planting seeds for over 20 years. These seeds/dream/wishes are different though. They don't always grow to into what you initially planted. Which is the exciting part!

My take on manifesting: Thoughts become things. That is manifestation. And it is the affirmation of your current thoughts. Negative thoughts beget negative manifesting. The law of attraction is always working whether you know it consciously or not. If you have a prolonged chronic way of thinking you manifest those thoughts in being. And then you wonder why your life stays the same. You attract predominant thoughts that are in your focus whether they are conscious or unconscious.

Your life is a physical manifestation of the thoughts in your head. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative thought. Whatever you are thinking and feeling today is creating your future. Your thoughts and feelings create your life. When you think of it in this way, your future depends upon positive thoughts! We can change our path through a shift in our awareness.

1. ASK! The universe responds to your thoughts and wishes.

2. BELIEVE! If you believe that it is yours already, and show unwavering faith, you will attract the way for that wish to get to you; the path will appear! It's really as easy as that. Think about it.....

For example, early last year I knew I wanted to move into a more spiritual direction with my store. I wanted to offer workshops on goddesses, spirit and the like. But I knew no one who could provide these types of programs. I didn't know where to begin. And then an angel appeared right in my store. I spoke of her in an earlier blog. I was having the worst day and she read me like a book. I NEVER show anything but joy and pleasantries to my customers but she knew there was something wrong. This lovely woman sat me down for over an hour after we had no luck in finding an item that fit her. And we talked about life. She said I needed to see this local akashic soul records reader, Linda. My mood suddenly was lightened after she left. I know now that she was truly an angel. I pay more attention now to angels in my midst! They are there all the time, in body and in soul.

So I went to see this woman and after our visit, people started entering my life in response to my desire for said workshops above. And since then, this desire has been building and manifesting into other ideas and themes. My initial desire has transformed into something much larger. It is all very exciting to watch all this unfold.

3. Doubt - If you doubt, this will lead to disappointment as what you desire will not come to you. Replace doubt with unwavering faith!

4. Receive - FEEL the way you will feel once what you desire arrives. Put yourself into the frequency of what you're wanting. What would you feel like if you had it right now. Feel that.

5. Act - When intuitive feeling is present, ACT ON IT! List what you are grateful for. Gratitude is a way to bring more of what you're grateful for about. Visualizing what you want will help to materialize it. Dwell only upon the end results. FEEL the end result. The universe will figure out how it will manifest. All YOU have to do is feel it as already here. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it; you must act on it. WE have to remember our body is the product of our thoughts. What we resist, persists. Energy flows where attention goes. Cute, kitchy phrases, but oh, so true.

Here are a few more to ponder. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. No one else can dance your dance, sing your song, write your story....only you can. Now get manifesting!!

Wisdom of the Eternal Consciousness

A customer came in today and as we worked together, she told me of her and her husband's quest to trace their genealogy. In that discussion she talked about her grandmother and the need to get all the information down before she passed to the next world. She also told me of her father's passing a few months back and how the timing of his death coincided with putting all of his "ducks in a row". Everything he wanted to take care of was taken care of within hours of his sudden passing. Somehow he "knew". And his family was lucky to be there to witness his passing by singing to him as he crossed over.

It reminded me of my father in law's passing a month ago and how the whole family was there to witness his death. However, there were quite a few that could not be present in the room but chose to stay in another room. They were afraid of death, of this unknown. But Wally had his way and in his last moments was able to create laughter in the room instead of deep sorrow as he mumbled something from his deep unconsciousness that sounded like "F---You". It made us laugh as we knew this is what he always said in times of trouble and uneasiness. His heart had already stopped beating but his bodily functions were still playing themselves out. He "knew" and he spoke from beyond, or what this lady today spoke of as eternal consciousness.

There is more that is out there than what we can see with the naked eye. Our loved ones are still with us beyond their passing as long as we believe. The other night, Wally came to me in my dream. He was sitting with family. Either my niece or my son was sitting on his lap (they were younger than they are now). He and I were talking like we always did until I realized that this could not be happening because he was dead. I said "this isn't real-you aren't here anymore. How can I be talking to you." He responded with "If you believe, then I am here talking to you. If not, then I am not here". And with that he started to fade away. I didn't want him to go so I said, "I believe!" And he came back.

His words were not just telling me to believe in his presence. His words were much broader in context. He was saying if I believe, then anything is possible. Even if it isn't within our sights, our grasp, but just an idea or thought, as long as you believe in it, then it exists and it is available. Each time I tell this dream, I well up with deep emotion. Not just for Wally, but in the larger concept that he was trying to get me to understand. I've always known this but needed a loved one to tell me from beyond the grave. Obviously, I would not accept this and needed the dream state to deliver the message to me through a kind, loving man.

I do believe. I believe there is a collective unconscious that we can tap into at any time for help, information, support. I also now believe that there is also an eternal consciousness that is much larger as it is sustained by everyone who has gone before us. And it is there to tap into at any time. It is unconditional love, it is kindness, it is wisdom. Yes, I Believe.

Divine Light

"When you act from the highest, you will not only feel the delight of such a connection but others will be uplifted in your presence and get a hit of their own Divine light."

I am reading The Abundance Book again (third time) and while meditating on one of the passages today, an understanding about the light of the spirit came to me so deeply that I began to cry. Not out of sadness, but out of understanding. A very dear friend told me many years ago that I "shine". When I would tell him of events that I was at and that I engaged people with my constant stories and joking around, he would always tell me, "Of course they were engaged, you have this shine about you."

Recently I had a reading with an akashic soul reader and saw her again at another event. I bought her book and she signed it for me, saying "You are a great light. Enjoy the journey." Now, I do not mean to imply that I am this wonderful, delightful person (although I really hope that I can be most times!). More that I have finally realized that the light of spirit, of God within or whatever name you want to use (higher power, spirit, etc.)has always resided within each of us. We are all we need in life. Abundance, prosperity, goodness, wholeness, spirit, etc., are all within us to tap into always.

Sometimes we are the last people to know how greatly we shine, how strong our spirits are. So I cried today. I cried for the realization. I cried for the many years I have searched for something, anything, that would make me better, make the pain go away, dissuade the fears that consumed me. I cried for all the relationships that came and went, all of the struggle within those relationships because we are always looking to blame someone else. Now I know that each of us has our baggage, our own fears, wants, desires. And I also know that mine is mine and yours is yours. I do not have to impose my "issues" on you, hoping to alleviate the pain. You are not the cause and you are not the answer.

I cried because knowing what I know now, those relationships didn't have to go away. Then again, maybe they did. Because growth occurred. Growth occurred this morning when I accepted my own bright light. It took many years, but I learned the lesson from that friend, who saw a part of me that I could not. And I thanked my dear friend who no longer is a part of my life. I am very grateful. I hope my light is shining bright enough for them to see and be uplifted and find their own Divine Light.