In Transition

I was at a monthly Meetup group this week and of course, we all gave our 30-second elevator speech of who we are, yada yada…  Me:  I am so and so and my business is In Transition.  Ooh!  What’s that? What does your business do?  And sheepishly I say, nothing.  I am IN transition.  Meaning:  I am not working right now.

 

It’s hard to own this.  Why?  Because I have always worked.  Work defined me.  What defines me now?  Why can’t I enthusiastically announce to the world that I am not working and damn it, it’s okay?  At least for the moment.  Why CAN’T I be in transition?   Why can’t I take the time to figure things out?  Why must I have the answer to my life when I just don’t?

That place where nothing is happening is called the liminal stage and damn it, that is where I am right now.  I should call my business The Liminal Stage.  That sounds pretty impressive, doesn’t it?  My work right now is to amass information, go over the past 7 years (the number 7 means refinement – okay, so I am busy refining myself.  The number seven symbolizes God's perfection. – okay, this is pretty intense right here!) This is when we take an inventory of our life. It’s a time of spiritual questioning and review of our life purpose.  Isn’t that a full time job in itself?  I think so.  So just lay off me!  Wait, I need to lay off myself, for I am the only one badgering me to get it together already and figure out the next step.

What is this transition and who let it in?  I have spent a lifetime as a serial entrepreneur, always dreaming and working on the next thing for my growth, always overlapping my work, never a break in between.

My business is Liminal Transitions.  That sounds even better.  It sounds business-like, right? Authentic.  What do you do? I sit in the nothingness while all the pieces of me banter and fret and cajole their way into creating the next me.  They will let me know when the work is done.  My business is to not get in the way with worry and negative thoughts.  My job is easy in all this.  I just sit still in the silence, in the quiet, knowing that within that quiet, a ruckus is vamping up and soon enough will make so much noise that I will be forced to engage in something.

The wait is agonizing.  All I do is feed the ideas and wait, like a mother with her newborn.  Eat and sleep.  Eat and sleep.  And grow.  And grow.

I can’t do this much longer.

But I can feel the growth.  There are the growing pains that come with working through the blockages, breaking loose the long held self-defeating voices of long ago.  I AM! I AM, I cry within.  I, who fights everything, must be still while this raging goes on within.  This is excruciating for someone who has never sat still for anything; the person who’s monkey brain has grown to gorilla brain; no, King Kong brain.  How do you keep King Kong quieted?  You can’t, of course.

And so I sit, feeding this silent activity, resting and waiting for that moment when I burst forth, full speed ahead.  Again.  Oh, it will be grand, that is certain.  My biggest thing ever, whatever that is.  I am not done yet.

I am Transition.  A work in progress.  Not yet defined.  But magnificent.

Guided by Herons and Angels

I was on Salt Creek yesterday for a leisurely canoe ride.  It was my idea.  One last ride before putting the canoe away for the winter.  The water was very low and the river trail had not been kept up as well as other waterways.

It was a very difficult paddle, maneuvering downed trees, large rocks jutting up from the riverbed and marsh overgrowth.  We had to portage the canoe a few times.  The mud was horrible, the water cold; some plant disagreed with my skin as I trudged through weeds to find a suitable place to get back in the canoe.

I was really angry that this final ride of the season was unpleasant.  I forced my husband out of the water as soon as an opportunity arose.  Nature was perfectly fine with me imposing myself on her, but I was not fine with the impositions she laid out for me.  Maybe it was the rough week of caring for a friend in hospice, who is gracefully making her final journey out of this life and into an unknown next.

So now I am embarrassed at my anger at something I cannot control.  Ahead of our canoe all morning was a flock of mallard ducks, peregrine falcons and two herons, as if to lead us through this difficult journey.  The pair of herons split up and one stayed behind, patiently waiting as we slowly made our way downstream, lifting off as we approached and flying ahead as if to guide us in the right direction.  It allowed us closer each time we came upon it, before it lifted its long legs and regal wings to fly it further ahead.  It looked prehistoric, we both noted, as if it had been flying for centuries, charting the path for those who followed.

How apropos that I experienced this difficult journey now.  Now, when everything in my life has stopped calling me to take notice, a lull that is quite uncomfortable and un-relenting.  This lull, this place of nothingness, has forced me to experience and understand me in ways I’ve never approached.  And this lull comes at a time when my dear friend also approaches her transition, her transformation, her de-manifesting from this life in order to manifest elsewhere, somewhere uncharted.

It is quiet now for her as she navigates this new trajectory.  Does she have guides as well?  Are there bumps and detours and perils on this new path?  I believe so as I noticed some pain the other day in her quiet face, a slight rise in her blood pressure.  I don’t believe it was physical pain.

She is journeying though her now passing life at great speed, experiencing the pains and joys of memories which she will take with her, memories that will be lost forever in the now as she finds her new place.  She will carry the residues of those memories that will color her new life and give her insight and intuition at crucial moments.  She will “know” things.  We all “know” things if we allow ourselves the quietude that gives way to these thoughts.  Like the knowing of a person you’ve never met before now or the “I’ve been here before” in a place you’ve never been.

I wonder if falcons and owls and herons guide her path now, alighting a short distance ahead, waiting for her, making sure she navigates the path safely.  The tumultuous path of innocence stolen, selfish partners, dreams lost, dreams found, ideals held tightly and hopes realized; the tree stumps and overgrown marsh blocking the way, forcing her to step around or through the muck one last time before the light lifts her out.

I feel shame for jumping out of the water too early, complaining that this is too hard, when I look into the peaceful face of a difficult and too short life of the angel I now sit beside.  Transitions are always difficult.  The long and winding road is steeped with dangerous curves, hills, rocks and detours.  But within, deep within, once you’ve stepped beyond the muck, a beauty awaits that is unimaginable and this is where dreams are fulfilled.

We are never given any experience that stops us in our tracks for more than the moments it takes us to comprehend and survive and to move our feet forward again, maybe on the same path or maybe a different one.  There are guides along the way if we keep our eyes centered and open.  There is always someone watching out along our path, be it mallards, herons or angels.

Caring for an Angel

"There is emptiness, nothingness, and there is something watching this nothingness.  Now who is it that is watching?  Who is the seer?  Find out who the seer is." ~Papaji

In the smallest hours of this morning, I awake to the anticipation of the caring of an angel in the making.  In just a few hours, I will take my watch and preside over her care.  She is stepping across that liminal border, no longer inhabiting this world as a bright spirit, but as only the worn, well-travelled tiny dancer of your former manifestation.  I cannot see your new light as I wonder the form you are now taking within this liminal stage.  What part of you is still here?  Will you still hear my voice speaking softly at your side?

Who lies before me now?  I will be watching your transformation into an angel, the metamorphose of pupa to butterfly, stretching  new translucent wings, perched and ready to take flight.  I cannot help but think, The Artist Formerly Know As!  This transformation is all happening under my careful watch today.  As I say my final farewells today and tomorrow, I can only imagine the energy expanding around your broken body as it readies itself for its new expression of you.

These are magical moments I am witness to and I am trying to wrap my mind around both the pain of loss and the exhilaration of what lies beyond it.  I want to understand this brief juncture, as I watch you, mindful that utmost care is taken in this space you still reside for this tiny moment in time, your rebirth into something I can only imagine.  I will watch at the threshold, where the boundaries are dissolving, in this betwixt and between space, the realm of pure possibility.

And I will be forever changed, grateful of this blessing bestowed, your gift to me as you spread your new wings and soar.

Planting an Angel in my Garden

I am going into the garden today because it is the only place that seems right.  A dear friend is peacefully making her way out of this world as I write this.  And the garden is where I will be.  She will be there.  I know I will find her out there with me.

She was a gardener herself.  She loved the feel of the soil in her hands and the beauty that resulted from her handiwork.  We understood that together.  We both spent time in each other's gardens, sharing stories, remarking on the beauty, the similarities and the differences.

I was lucky to have seen her just last week.  We cried and held each other as we said our goodbyes.  she said she would miss me and thanked me for our time together.  I told her she had given me a gift that I will treasure forever; that of walking with her through this cancer journey she endured with courage, dignity and grace.  I told her she had left a piece of herself in me and I would always have her there in me.

As the Buddha taught, there is no birth, there is no death; there is no coming, there is no going; there is no same, there is no different; there is no permanent self, there is no annihilation. We only think there is. When we understand that we cannot be destroyed, we are liberated from fear. It is a great relief. We are all part of everything and everyone before us and will be part of all that is after us.  We are not gone, we have transformed and continue elsewhere.

But we are always here.  And so I go to the garden today.

I showed her last week how to grow new plants from cuttings of the "mother" plant.  It was something she had wanted to learn and it seemed appropriate at this time.  It was my gift to her, to bring new life to her as one was moving on.

I will plant in my garden today, the new perennials I purchased yesterday and as I plant them I will offer a prayer in honor of this small but mighty woman.  I know I will find her out there with me and that gives me comfort.  I will speak to her in that space and tell her again I love her and will see her again one day.

And next spring, when the flowers bloom and life once again shows itself in the beauty of the leaves and petals, the colors and scents in all their glory, I will say, "hello dear friend, welcome back, I remember you, I will always remember you".

You are me.  I am you.  We are one.  That is love, and it is enough.

A Gift from an Angel

This past week was an exhausting one filled with musical performances and the preparations for such. I know - what is so stressful about that?  Well, nothing, considering one was helping prep my son’s CD release party, which was joyous and forward-looking to the future.  The other delved into the past and an unknown future.  It was more of a soulful stress.  Let me explain.

My friend is now walking the path of her final transition from this life and is at peace about beginning the next, wherever that may be.  She has been a dancer and actress all her life and things such as wakes and funerals are not her forte, not her idea of a grand departure.

So we gave her a going away party, a celebration of her life (a living wake is what she called it) that knocked the socks off most celebrations. It was a night of her favorite music performed by her friends at a nightclub, which was the location of what became her last performance, a soulful essay of her living with the cancer that was now taking her life. I was charged with singing Paul McCartney’s,  “Maybe I’m Amazed” as a tribute from her husband to her.  I wanted it to be perfect, a softer and heartfelt rendition unlike the harder original rock ballad.  Luckily my son is a musical genius and understood my “do it a bit jazzier, slower, with more soulful chords and feel, I want it different, special”.

The club was packed with friends and family, all not quite sure how to react to this odd event, but wanting to see her, probably for the last time and send her off in a bubble of love.  You could feel the energy in the room, which was pure love.  All egos, all anger, resentment, sadness were checked at the door.  She was radiant; the pain erased from her face, her energy up as if someone shot her up with adrenaline.  She danced in her chair as the music moved her off this final path for just a few hours and set her on a picnic blanket, basking in the glow of the evening.

I had never been so nervous to sing this one song to her.  A bit odd, considering I have spent a good part of my life on stages.  I find comfort and excitement and bliss when performing on a stage.  But this was different.  I had never sung to an angel.  Being with someone as they begin their transition out of this present time is a gift.  I have watched as she moves out of her broken body into an ethereal being, an angel.

But there was so much love in the room that night, it transported me and held me, and melodic tones emanated from my heart and filled my body with so much love that it felt like warm honey was flowing out of my mouth.  In my dear friend’s own words, “magical.”

What an amazing celebration of life.  She said the next day it was the most incredible night of her entire life.  In her words, “I couldn’t have scripted my leaving better or with more love.  I’ll have a heavy travel bag filled with love I’m bringing to heaven.  I hope they let me carry it on the “light” train.  I don’t want to part with it.”

Which made me take a look at my own life.  Selfishly, would I be able to fill a room with people who love me so much that they want to celebrate my life along side me in this way?  Have I been good, kind, generous, giving, loving and loyal?  I have been asking my friends these same questions.  It really makes you think about what really is important.  What will people remember you for?  What are the gifts you give?  Are they only things bought and paid for, or are they gifts from your heart? Maya Angelou once said,

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I have decided that I, too, want a celebration of life that I can attend before I transition into my next incarnation.  Of course, I am hoping it is many, many years in the making.  In the meantime, I will look to my friend, my angel, for wisdom, food for my heart, and love as if this was the last day of my life, everyday, every hour.  I hope you do too.

Today is a Good Day

“Today is a good day,” you once said, because the nausea had subsided and the trips to the bathroom had decreased to a single digit.  Today is a good day, for me, as I get to see you, sitting in bed, smaller than the last time but certainly not diminished.

You sit there, head covered by a bright purple cap you chose from the hospital’s cap bin, eating tiny bits of meat loaf and mashed potatoes, careful not to block your compromised airway; and you are glowing.

I wanted to tell you that purple is the color of royalty, expanded awareness and high spiritual attainment.  It is the color of the highest chakra, which connects us to the universe, to enlightenment.  It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. This is how you looked today.  But I didn’t tell you.

Only a few days earlier you struggled for the precious air that escapes you now.  But today you are glowing.  I sit next to you as you listen to the plans being made to take you home for the last time.

I am honored to have been at your side for very difficult news from your team, and I am again honored to sit with you and add my meager voice to your most precious hospice plans.  I find myself annoyed by what feels like tiny flies nipping at my arms as I try to listen, and I swat at them, trying to brush them away only to find that there are no flies or any insects for that matter in this intensive care room.  Of course there aren’t!  And no one else seems bothered by these pests either.

And then it becomes apparent to me.  Angels.  They are announcing themselves.  Of course.  They are gathering.  A few of them colored you in peace today and cleared your throat so you could feed your failing body and speak the many words you still have to say.

Today is a good day.  I am meeting your angels.  They have let me know that they know that I know.

Do you hear them too, my brave friend?  You must.  Your fear is gone, you tell me; and the pain has left your face.  You want to play cards, not talk of death.  You want to cram in as many stories from friends as your ears will allow.  You told me once that you knew that God is taking care of you.  Can you hear him now between the angels’ banter and laughing?

I want to hear you.  I want to hear the truths that are coming to you now.   I know you are tired but this student is eager to hear the wisdom that this journey has taught you.

I’ve been seeing dragonflies everywhere lately: symbols of transformation and life's ever-constant process of change, of leaving the old body to become a new, lighter creature inhabiting a different realm.  To some they are fairies. To others, they are the souls of those who have gone before us. Angels!

The lessons you’ve learned, the gifts of yourself you so wanted to share with those you love have come in the form of angelic beings. No gift has ever been lovelier.

Today is a good day filled with dragonflies, fairies and other celestial wonders.   As you have said, we will play again in the world beyond.  I believe that.  Until that time, I will revel in the beauty and magic of butterflies and dragonflies and think of you, sweet angel.

Finding Yourself in These Chaotic Times!

There are many faces modern women present to the world. We are the working professional, partner, lover, mother, caretaker, friend. No matter what the situation, women need to draw on a wide range of resources to keep it all together. It is said and written that tapping into goddess energy is one way to ensure you get through each day with your integrity intact.

I know, what the heck does that mean?  We hear it all the time lately.  Find your inner goddess and all will be right in your world.  Right….  So who is this goddess?  Is she pretty?  Strong?  Alluring? What qualities does she have that I might want to “tap into?”  Are we not goddesses already?

According to goddess.com.au, "being goddess is being able to recognize within one's self the things that are important, and then to strike the single note that brings them into alignment with everything else that exists." That is, by channeling the strengths of the real "You" so that the true You shines through with honesty and dignity, your goddess energy radiates a confidence, beauty and inspiration to those around you.

Creation by Her Gaia, by Sandra M. Stanton

I like to look at historical and mythological goddesses and their attributes to see how they might correlate to my life.  This month we look at Gaia.  In Greek mythology, Gaia (Ge) was the primal goddess personifying the earth. She was the Protogenos (primeval divinity) of earth, one of the primal elements who first emerged at the dawn of creation, along with air, sea and sky. She was the great mother of all : the heavenly gods were descended from her union with Ouranos (the sky), the sea-gods from her union with Pontos (the sea), the Gigantes from her mating with Tartaros (the hell-pit) and mortal creatures were sprung or born from her earthy flesh. Gaia was born out of chaos, and out of that turmoil, the world was created.  How wonderful!

She was "born" of Chaos, but this was not really a birth; as Chaos receded, Gaia came into being.  She birthed hundreds of children. Gaia was the first deity, from whom all others sprang.

Let’s look at chaos. When systems can no longer function, creating instability, a breakdown occurs.  There is talk all everywhere these days about the end of the world in 2012.  Is it the end of the world or the end of the world as we know it?

Have you felt an increasing instability in your life, a discomfort, a feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on?  It’s just enough agitation to make you uncomfortable, antsy.  I have felt this in the past and came to learn that if you sit with the discomfort, let it play itself out, comfort will come again.  Are you feeling ‘tapped out’ lately?  I know I am feeling this, as well as wondering what I am doing, why I am doing it and is it really what I want to do!

Could we all be in transition in our own lives?  I recently made a huge change and then a few months after that, another huge change was dropped in my lap.  I am not surprised at all.  It’s as if the world as we know it right now has been tossed up into the air and the pieces have not fallen back down to ground yet.  Where they will land and how they will land have yet to be determined. Can we guide where we will land after this year is over?

Some people fall apart when the status quo is upended, when disharmony occurs.  Denial used to be the best way to handle this discomfort.  I have a friend who told me he “shelves” uncomfortable feelings, relationships, never to return to them.  Of course, we know they all return to tap us on the shoulder, saying “remember me?”

It’s time to develop a new mind-set. According to Ervin Laszlo, author of Chaos Point, we are at a critical juncture in history, a "decision-window" where we face the danger of global collapse—or the opportunity for global renewal.  He says there are two types of growth possible – extensive growth and intensive growth. Extensive growth conquers, dominates, colonizes, consumes, and is unsustainable. Intensive growth develops individuals, communities and ecologies; it connects and communicates, develops consciousness and produces sustainability.

Laszlo’s term for the coming transition, in which we must develop a new mind-set, or worldview and a new structure for society, is Logos-Holos:  logos, meaning word of God or the current principal governing the cosmos; and holos, meaning the whole.

I say, change is a-comin’.  It is inevitable.  We must evolve to survive.  What does that mean to you?  For me evolution of consciousness is the key – I have to start thinking in new ways because the old ways of doing and thinking don’t seem to be working anymore.  The time for bandaging problems is over.  Time to look at the whole issue and fix it once and for all.  I have been meditating much more and trying to work more yoga into my daily routine.  What do you do to calm yourself, get back to homeostasis? 

Prayer, walks in the woods, gardening, dance – whatever it is that brings us back into balance is what we all should be seeking.   Through all of this irritation, Gaia, Mother Earth, is creating a pearl.  Anticipating...beautiful.

"The road to happiness lies in two simple principles: find what it is that interests you and that you can do well, and when you find it put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have.”

John D. Rockefeller III

My Wish for 2012

First and foremost,  my wish is peace for all - peace of mind, peace of spirit, peace in love and hate, peace in beginnings and endings.  It is a time of endings - a year;  a life on this earth for some, a spiritual life for others.

I saw an end to my store, friendships that had run their course, run out of road.  I saw an end to old thought patterns that do not serve me any longer.  Some revisited me, if only in dreams and some revisited in body or spirit.  Maybe to remind me of the importance they played in my life at one time.  Did I look at them from angles never seen before?  Yes.  Was their pain revisited?  Heck yes.  but there was also the love and gratitude that was once there and still is in some way.

Then I placed them lovingly in my deepest memory.  Some may never again come to call but they color my life and are a part of who I was and who I am becoming.  Some will call again and may be unrecognizable from my new perspective and may share my space once again.  So I say to them all;  I love you and thank you and send you on your own way.

This is also a time of beginnings.  While some were on their way out, others were entering.  I give thanks to all who blessed me with their presence this year.  To you, join me on my next journey!

If there is an unease as you move forward into the new year, embrace the transitional jitters as difficult as it might be.  It is here whether you like it or not.  Give it the space and love it desires and deserves and let it expand and grow into you..  I am right there, too, on that precipice, looking out onto so many possibilities, seen and unseen, eyes and heart wide open.  What an exciting moment to be present within!

If I can just love myself as much as I love those around me, it will spread its branches and support all. I come in contact with.  And if that love can assist those who are in greater turmoil, support them on their journey, then my wish is complete.

I say goodbye and hello in love as we step into the newness that lies ahead, known and unknown.  this is my wish to myself and to all.  Peace, prosperity, health, joy, fulfillment, laughter and love in 2012.  Thank you to all who have watched over me in body and in spirit.

This is the end of our worlds as we know them.  I'm excited.  I hope you are too!

Contemplating Spiral Signs this Holiday Season

In my continued fascination with spirals, I was looking at one that was spinning.  You know, the kind you see when someone is trying to hypnotize you?   It represents continual change and evolution and the interconnectedness of all things.

In terms of rebirth or growth, the spiral symbol can represent the consciousness of nature beginning from the core or center and thus expanding outwardly. Or you can look at it as outward information coming in to the core of your being.  I read this yesterday about this kind of spiral movement:

And when one contemplates such an infinitely regressing movement one begins to appreciate that the words 'first movement' doesn't even begin to express the beginning - that it's all an endless beginning - it's all a one act play - an infinitely recursive and enfolding one act play. Thus the 'first movement' is everywhere you look And soon you'll look up and see the same thing in every thing you look at until your view of reality begins to shift and with it meaning itself will take on a whole new meaning and on and on and on - beginnings enfolding endings which enfold another beginning until there's no more beginnings or endings and you just are. -Robert McCoy

If you look at a spiral in motion, it appears that it is moving from the outside in.  And if you look closely at the center, it appears to get larger as it spins.  Interesting if you think of the spiral as inward reflection.  As more wonderful things move in, your center becomes larger,  I think you can also say that as things move out from the center, it also leaves space to allow your inner most ideas to grow.  the inner core stays the same as the outer grows in size.   Do we actually spiral out of control or just to a place that is new and not understood quite yet?   I am starting to like that uncomfortable feeling on not quite being on steady ground, because I know it is leading to new ideas, thoughts.  Any way you look at it, growth is occurring.  You can see for yourself here: 

click here

So the same people, places, and things are always new, always beginning again.  From a different perspective.  You get to see them from all sides, angles, directions.  And sometimes, what you have been looking at for years starts looking different. So enjoy your life from all sides and angles this holiday season.

Like a tunnel that you follow

To a tunnel of it's own

Down a hollow to a cavern

Where the sun has never shone

Like a door that keeps revolving

In a half forgotten dream

Or the ripples from a pebble

Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping

Past the minutes on it's face

And the world is like an apple

Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind

-Sting

Life is a Series of Deaths

Life is a series of deaths with a little laughter thrown in along the way.   We die a little at each crossroad, learn to walk again, live to laugh about that last intersection and then there you are at that damn stop sign again.  Wondering – I turned left last time – which way looks good this go round?

You hear I didn’t say safe.  I said interesting.  Death of the old is never safe.  Interesting?  Yes.  Damn interesting and damn funny in retrospect.   We shift a little to the left, then we shift a little to the right.  And with each shift, each change, each death, we gain in knowledge of our own divine.  We get closer to the true purpose of our lives.

Is it the life we decide for ourselves?  Maybe so.  Maybe not.  But if we listen, if we can quiet ourselves during the troubled times, during each one of these “deaths”, we will just “know” what is right for us; which is the right path.  If it is not the right path, it will never feel right.  Or we will wake up at a crossroads again with that feeling of AGAIN?!?!?!?  I have done this before, an unraveling of the status quo in order to see the light within.

Resisting the exhaustion of the death results in more exhaustion.  Can I give myself more than 5 days to rejuvenate, replenish, rebirth?  I think so.  No matter what I try, how much I push myself, my body has shut down in order to rest during the re birthing process.  No matter how much I beat myself up about getting a move on to the next greatest thing (as asked by my son…); no matter how much I try to get my brain wrapped around the great ideas that came up prior to my “death”, my brain (which is as stubborn as the rest of me) has shut down.  Nothing seems important. 

This in itself drives me crazy.  How can I NOT be excited about all the great ideas that showed up last month?  I was SO excited, so looking forward to jumping into my next incarnation.  BUT…..right at this very moment, nothing is all that exciting to me.  Everything can wait.  I need to just sit, relax, rest.  This break has been a long time coming.  The next greatest thing can wait a bit more.  Actually, it HAS.  It won’t let me jump in.  I am numb to pretty much everything.  So, I need to be okay with that.  I know, I know, I know, it will all come to me when the time is ripe.  It always does!  And no matter how much I push it, it will not move until I am ready to move with it.  I know this.  Yet, I come to this place time and time again. 

I go back to an old post about the liminal stage last spring.  A time of transition when we stand “betwixt and between” one state and another. Kind of like on a fence, although you aren't trying to make the decision as to which way to step. It kind of does it for you. Awkward, yes. The state of neutrality/ ambiguity until we reach full consciousness of the next place, the next stage, whatever you wish to call it. But I am okay with it. Probably because I am so exhausted, I can't fight it or push it where I'd like anyway.  

Only this time, I understand this.  So when those anxious thoughts pop in, I know to let them pass.  I just thought this morning, for the umpteenth time I woke up at 4 or 5am and could not go back to sleep, that, Wow, look how much I could get done before the rest of the house wakes up.  Here I go again, pushing.  And here I am again, at only 6:30pm, exhausted.

So, please, my dearest soul, take a chill pill, enjoy this rest.  You are revving up for some unbelievable events.  Let the flower bud grow, and then petal by petal, unfold into the new blossom of you!

All is Done....And All is New

Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity. -- T.S. Eliot

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.  -- T.S. Eliot

My personal meditation on the decision to transform Baubo’s Garden
It is done. It is complete. You are safe, sound, whole, alive. A weight has been lifted. You are warm and whole again.

So, begin again. Goddesses rejoice. Hear their laughter as they surround you. Lead the way to your destiny, your fate. Abundance, laughter, joy, rapture. Feel it. Be it. Be one. Let life flow beside you. Drift in peace knowing you are okay.

Using metaphors for life, change was the long difficult pregnancy. I labored and labored and birthed the new model of me. I persevered till the end, and the beginning. I have been set free to fly to new places, forage like a honey bee searching for the pollen of life to take back to the hive (within) and create the sweet honey nectar of my life; and then to share that sweetness. Forgive my mixed metaphor, but I come from a background of horticulture, where life cycles are key and gardening relates so much to our lives.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.-- T. S. Eliot

You know when you need to move. Your body tells you. Your soul tells you. Some years back, I stopped hearing the music, refused to listen to it for over a year. I am a musician and I was burned out. To me, music is the juice that flows through me, charges me, makes me vibrant. I lost that music of my soul for a time, while life spiraled around me.
It is as T.S. Elliot explains, “It is music heard so deeply that it is not heard at all, but you are the music while the music lasts.”

That is being in the moment, when all is right with your world; everything is aligned; you are at peace; you are creating. This is what I want next – to create that peace; that in just being, it transcends beyond you, to all you come in contact with; to help provide a space, an idea, a peaceful, safe place where others can find their own music or nectar within themselves. That is the task at hand.

The Gnostic way of knowing is feminine wisdom. It is insight, intuition, the process of knowing oneself. To know oneself at the deepest level is to also know God, or your higher power, or whatever, however you understand if for yourself.

I did some free writing last December and wrote that we must align our core essence and then work outwards from it. Clear the core of who you are, shine it up and it will glow outwards. Hearts Within – Love Without.

Let us join on this journey of discovery, hope, love and charity, hand in hand, upward and onward…

Onward and Upward We Go!

From the middle of life onward, only he remains vitally alive who is ready to die with life.

Samuel Johnson

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.

Henry Ford

I have started the process of a huge change in my life.  I have decided to close my business of 5 years.  The decision process was long and arduous and not without tears and heartache.  “Why” is the question everyone asks, of course.  “Why” is a long discussion.  Of course, the first and foremost reason is our economic climate, which has NOT been friendly to small business owners.  And that is all I will say on that topic.

The other reasons are far more interesting.  Is it too cliché to say the business ran out of road?  If you think of it as a living and breathing entity, does it also have a life span?  Going even deeper than that, did it serve its purpose and is no longer relevant?  If we live our lives based on an earlier uninformed decision and don’t adjust as time goes by, we will stagnate.  So, long story short, the business reached the end of the road.  Yes, when I opened, I hoped to become the next lingerie mogul, but alas, that was not to be.

Then again, and more importantly, I gained so much more in the way of friends, experiences (good and bad), knowledge and direction.  It segued me from where I was to where I am now.  And I am so grateful for all of it, good and bad.  I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.  So I bless it as it goes away.

I also realized that the place I am in right now is brand new, with no attachments to the past.  This business was attached to so many parts of what once was. In leaving it, I also leave behind the sorrows, the entanglements, and the former me.  It is bittersweet and difficult to imagine moving forward without these constant companions of the past.  But we must shed these old and ill fitting ideals of the past to blossom into the newness of uncertainty.

I awoke last night to three black entities (shadow people as they are called) running through my room.  It scared the crap out of me.  I understand they represent the dark side, fear, uncertainty.  But they also represent an opening in spirit and soul, where the good and the not so good can enter for contemplation and reflection.  I told my dear friend of this incident and she said the best of me is being birthed as we speak.  That is good to know because with change comes fear or discomfort (why would you change otherwise?) and we tend to overlook the goodness that is coming from this.

This reflection is also bittersweet.  People, places, things, that are attached to the old come flooding into mind.  Maybe to say their goodbyes.  Maybe to ask to be remembered.  Maybe to tell us they still love us and remind us of their importance in our growth.  I don’t know for sure.  Some will be forgotten.  But the ones that created the most agitation will remain on the shelves in our souls and be taken down and dusted now and then, without the sentiment that brought them to us originally.

I read this a few days ago and it spoke to the place I am in at the moment.

As you communicate, so what you say unlocks doors for you. They open up on the inside as much as the outside. These doors take you further into the palace of truth. Life is inviting you to sink your foundations in the soil of essence. It is offering increased substance.

“A real life is the life of essence. You can call it soul, or God within you, or whatsoever you will.” --Osho

And what is essence? Essence is your original face without any masks. Essence is that which you brought into the world when you were born. Essence is that which was with you in the womb. Essence is that which has been given to you by God – or whatsoever you call the totality, the whole, existence. Essence is a gift from existence to you.

So, I welcome a rediscovery of my true essence as I move forward into new territory.  I give thanks to what I am leaving behind.  In the words of  Mary Church Terrell, and so, lifting as we climb, onward and upward we go, struggling and striving, and hoping that the buds and blossoms of our desires will burst into glorious fruition.

Another Day in the Life of an Aging Woman - The Sequel

I found a grey eyelash today.  I had to nearly smash my nose up against the mirror to confirm my discovery.  Then I feverishly tried to cover it with mascara but that silver sheen kept popping through the black I loaded onto it.

That’s not to say that I haven’t found silver hairs poking out of other more discreet places.  They actually sell dye for that unmentionable place – in an array of colors.   But I’m not diving to those depths of conversation as much as I might like today.

Oh, I’ve been battling the silver head hairs for years now.   But they are gaining on me and pop through the hair color quicker.  Okay, I know.  They don’t pop out of anywhere.  It just means my hair is growing faster than the cost effectiveness of the dye job.  Okay, okay, I should be happy for that.  The last five years have seen my hair diminish to the point that baby barrettes were not holding the whole kit and caboodle together.  I was the perfect candidate for hair club for men and don’t think I didn’t do some web research on hair replacement therapies.

So, I am really happy that my hair has come back and is growing again.  Yet, I don’t get to fully appreciate the beautiful job Usama does on my hair for very long.  I don’t understand why we can’t just pay for the two inches at the roots dye job every few months.  The middle and bottom parts of my hair are just fine.  It’s just that nagging silver raccoon tail running up the middle of any part I put in my hair that pisses me off!

The one aging “perk” that I would enjoy is the slowing of hair growth on my legs and underarms.  I have aunts who say they haven’t shaved in 30 years.  And why can’t the hair on my legs go grey?  It would diminish the frequency of shaving (i.e. It wouldn't show unless you got close up to my legs.) And I don’t see anyone getting that close to my legs any time soon.  My husband can’t see that close anymore so it doesn’t matter to him.  And with the silver popping up everywhere, I don’t feel so sexy anymore so you won’t see me sashaying up to some handsome man and saying, “Hey baby, what’s your sign?”

old grey mare

Couple that with the numbed up half of my mouth day at the dentist the other day and the subsequent drooling afterwards, and all I will see are the guys back ends as they run for the hills.  Which I can now see since I have gotten my new glasses.

Men look so sexy with their graying temples.  The silver streaks through their heads perfectly like it was done in the salon.  Women end up looking like the old grey mare. Then again, guys DO start growing hair EVERYWHERE ELSE other than on their heads.  So I guess justice is poetic at times…

I don’t know what I would rather have happen – these gradual “oh, my lord” moments like today, or waking up one morning to the new and fully aged me.  If I survived the heart attack that discovery would bring, then I could concentrate on acceptance and continue the rest of the process gracefully.  And pray God still likes me during the long and arduous road trip through sags, bags and wrinkles.

Nah.  The only prayer I am hearing right now is “Get Thee to the Salon.”  Amen to that!

Another Day in the Life of an Aging Woman!

I was at the dentist yesterday.  It seems that the enamel is wearing off of my teeth.  It is not due to lack of dental hygiene.  That is excellent.  Too excellent!  Am I brushing my gums and enamel right off?  Obsessive compulsive behavior of the teeth?  Okay, come on back down to reality, lady.

It is just another sign of aging.  Gums receding and that leads to exposure of softer enamel which lead to corrosion and exposure of roots....blah, blah, blah....  Roman (my dentist - whom I've known since he was in dental school with my sister's then boyfriend) said liken it to having a tree cut down with a hatchet.  I guess one day I would wake up and my tooth would fall over.  Timber!!!!  And probably while I was in an important meeting.  I would make an important point and my tooth would fly out of my mouth.

I have no idea what it means or how to deal with it.  I just followed Roman's orders and made an appointment.  He came at me with the needle and I'm like, "Hey, what is THAT for?"  He said I might want to numb the area since there was not much in between me and my tooth roots.  He could try to be careful and not numb me....  No thanks.  I am done being tough.  Dumb ass me finally realizes that I DON'T have to deal with the pain to show the world how tough of a woman I am.  (What were we ladies thinking back then when we choose no meds for our babys' deliveries????)

So he numbed me on one side of my mouth and then proceeded to chat with me while it was taking affect.  Have you ever tried to talk with only half your mouth?  For me, Miss Big Mouth, I need my full mouth to get my points across.  He gave me tissues to take with after it was all over just in case I drooled.

It only got numbier (is that a word?) as I drove home.  I started singing some songs that will be included in a performance next month (www.shecomesundone.com) and caught myself in the mirror singing with half a mouth.  I was horrified at the sight of a dragging left side and slurred words.  It's a wonder I didn't get pulled over for looking like a drunk driver!

Then later, eating dinner was a drag.  I couldn't friggin' chew.  Food was falling out of my mouth and my tongue wouldn't work.  My son thought I was hilarious as he watched me struggle.  I kept thinking of the years of me doing therapy programming at senior and rehab centers, where people struggled daily with strokes and other disabilities.  I had become old in that moment.  Someday I would need my son to wipe my mouth.  That stopped his laughter flat!

I bit the inside of my lip.  No pain.  I will feel that later I said.  So I took a nap.  Isn't that what aging folk do?  It took all my strength just to chew salmon!

Came to the conclusion today that I will fight this thing they call age.  Of course, with grace and dignity.  All kidding aside, I respect and admire all those who have gone before me.  They look and feel great and have a great attitude.  I will too.  After I stop complaining and whining.... and napping.

The Light at the Crossroads

As I was choosing the goddess of the month for my website, the first name that came to mind was Hecate and I knew she was the one. Funny again how the right thing presents itself when it is the right time for you. What do they say? The teacher is always present. You just have to keep your eyes open.

I hadn’t done a great deal of research on her in the past as I had with the other goddesses I have profiled. Yet her name just popped into my head. I went back to notes I had on her from books I have read and some web research. It was as if the heavens spoke to me from a place deep within.

Hecate is the goddess of the crossroads. In Greek lore, her statue used to be found at important junctures or major forks in the road. She has three faces which gives her the ability to see in three directions, past, present, future; it can be looked at as waxing, waning and full moon. In other stories she is the face of one of the triple goddesses - maiden, mother and crone. Hecate is crone. She helps us make transitions and new beginnings, especially ones that were not planned. As a magical goddess at home in the spirit world, she helps keep us in touch with our spiritual selves.

Usually classified as a "moon goddess", her kingdoms were actually three-fold . . . the earth, sea, and sky. Because she represents the crone phase, she walked during the dark phase of the moon, and was described as shining or luminous.

A person I once knew always told me I shined, that I was his hero; that I was wise for my years. He always was able to see qualities that I couldn’t at the time. Wisdom comes in all forms, at all ages. If he saw Hecate in me, I truly feel blessed. An angel therapy practitioner has told me that if you pray and meditate on the qualities of a goddess, you will take on those qualities yourself in time. I believe that.

So I find myself here again, at a crossroads. This time it is good and desired. We all come to crossroads many times in our lives. Should I leave my job for this one? Should I stay in this relationship? Menopause and illness, for example all leave us with change that needs to be dealt with, understood. It is a time for looking back at where we came from.

I was just looking through some old journals today and am amazed at where I have been. Some of it brought tears again, but it still amazes me how much I have grown up. I have filled in old ruts that used to derail me time and time again. This is good even though filling them in required every ounce of courage and strength I had. Crossroads, change, it is all the same if you ask me. New beginnings, whether spiritual or mundane, aren't always easy. How many times have we heard that? If it was easy, it would bore us and we wouldn’t bother. It is those very excruciating times that force us to go one way or another whether we like it or not.

The Greek goddess Hecate reminds us of the importance of change, helping us to release the past, especially those things that are hindering our growth, and to accept change and transitions. She is the goddess at the threshholds of major transitions - the inner midwife who aids us when we birth new aspects of ourselves.  She sometimes asks us to let go of what is familiar, safe, and secure and to travel to the scary places of the soul. Aint’ that the truth!

So I think of Hecate as I look forward at this crossroad to see what lies deeply forgotten or even hidden in my path. She reminds us that we are in that liminal stage, the stage of inbetween.  Patience is required.  I will invite her to shine her torch and guide me in my dreams, my meditations, and my life.

Closing the Door with a Soft Hush

An "event" from three years ago re-presented itself in my psyche the other day.  After three years waiting for review at the state police level, they found the guy that robbed me in my store.  They had fingerprints, an ID from me; but it takes the state that long to process fingerprints.  If I was murdered, it might have come in faster! Cancel, cancel, cancel! (this is what you are supposed to say when you have a negative thought - so it doesn't settle in and manifest itself)

No, I am no longer angry or even anxious about the event.  It is over and I processed it and moved on.  But - it DID bring it all back to the forefront.  After three years, I didn't know if I would remember his face when presented a photo of him.  But I did pick him out and as soon as they find him and arrest him, there will be a physical line up where I will have to identify him again.  I am wondering if his actual presence in front of me will trigger old feelings or if I truly am over this.

On a side note, I asked where he was and they said it is kind of tricky to extradite him from Indiana where he is believed to be so they were going to go to a court hearing for him and question him about my robbery.  Mind you, the guy has a record a mile long, is a convicted sex offender as well as other niceties.  I said, what guy is going to remember one robbery out of one hundred?  They said you'd be surprised.  It's kind of like their trophies.  They remember each time they were successful at being a dickhead.

So I went through the whole event again over and over in my brain.  I got angry at myself again for letting him take my wedding band.  Actually for letting him get away with the whole deal here in the store.  Just me I guess, with wild thoughts like that. 

The real point, though, is that the event itself was a turning point in my life.  I saw my angel therapist practitioner who said it was a life wake up call.  And when I look back, it was.  Sometimes you need to get really shaken up to make changes in your life.

I didn't make any real changes.  What I did was realize where I stood in my own life, what my purpose was, who mattered to me and who didn't, who cared about me and who didn't.  It created a huge shift in my perspective at that time.  And that shift brought new people into my life and some old ones were left behind.

The shift was also in consciousness.  A wake up call to my soul. Where was I going?  What did I want to do when I grew up?  I did grow up.  Spiritually and mentally.  And I find myself there again.

No, I didn't get a wake up call like that of three years ago (fortunately!).  It came as a door closing to my past and ideas that were sifting in my brain settled on a decision.  Just like that!  Well, when the decision comes, it comes in an instant, just like that.  Poof.  You were in one state of mind, and now you are in a total other state of mind.  Well, it isn't poof.  You've been hemming and hawing over ideas, thoughts, things for a while and finally your brain makes a decision.  Or should I say your soul makes a decision.  The thoughts/ideas came into your brain randomly at this time or another and they float around for a long while and then, POOF, a decision is made.  It's about time!!!!

The floating around isn't easy and billowy and soft like a breeze through a window softly blowing curtains around.  It is the anxiety ridden monkey mind that I spoke of in a previous blog that is making you CRAZY!  That's not to say that my monkeys have left my head (The monkeys have left the building!  had to say that...).  They still occupy a portion of my mind.  I have just been able to cage and tame a few of them.

I have to say, again, that it amazes me each time it happens.  That is, when you make movement in some way towards change, doors open, people show up, things happen.  Ideas that were floating around made their way to the top of the list and now they are starting to be acted upon.  It is absolutely amazing to me.

A very dear friend told me yesterday that I should be just as excited and hopeful about the door being closed as I am about the next door opening.  That I should put as much joy, excitement  and hopefulness into closing that chapter of my life as I am in exploring the next. Closing one door is NOT failure.  I have gained so much, met some wonderful people.   When you make a decision, you want to move forward NOW.  At least that is how I am.  Let's do this thing RIGHT NOW.  What I need to do is bless and love and give thanks to what I have accomplished and am letting go of.

So I am so very thankful that this turning point in my life was not precedented by a traumatic event. (thank you thank you thank you!!!)  It is about our becoming the next version of ourselves and addressing the challenges it brings.  As my dear friend Peggy said, "What do you have to leave behind when moving on?  What works and what doesn't?  How do I attract what's next and when it presents itself, how will I act on it?

Okay, I am ready!  I also plan on putting my monkeys to work.  Instead of their own ideas, they are charged with acting on MY next version of my life.  After all, I am the boss of me (as my children used to say to me!).  So let's make our move!

The Liminal Stage Continues

At the beginning of the year I felt a surge coming of energy and was feeling like I was going to have to hold on to my seat this year as it zoomed forward unabated. At first, there was a period (short as it was) of rest. I was so tired from a crazy year prior that I thought a rest was well deserved, at least in the confines of my own home considering I knew I was unable to "get away".

I asked my son who had moved out a year prior, if I could "redo" his room and make it into my own meditation/reading/writing room. He had been out of college for a couple of years and his room was still the way he left it and it needed a makeover. The makeover was easy. I didn't want to disturb the soul and essence that still existed in the room. This is the room of a gifted artist. A piece of his creative genius exists here. This has become my favorite room in a matter of months. It feels as if I have re-energized what was already in there and infused it with my own. The whole family feels it. The energy seems to have grown.

So I have done a lot of meditating in that room since then. My rest was taken there. I was thinking about all of the ideas I have had in the past year and recently looked at a sort of "to do" list I created prior to the new year. But those ideas that wanted to be nurtured into creation this year have taken a back seat. Not to anything in particular. But the urgency to move in that direction has ceased. Oh, the ideas are still there. I know they never go away.

They have been birthed and I know from experience that they are always being tended to, nurtured, watered, fed and are growing. If I let them be, they will always have the essence of the original idea, only with their own twist. It is fun to see how they transform from the original idea. I've learned not to hold on so tightly to an idea that I stifle it.

I recently came off of a very busy month at the store (thank you universe for looking down on me!) and immediately went on a buying trip in New York. I have not had real time off in two months. Actually, since probably mid January. And I am plumb tuckered out. I wonder if the exhaustion is at the core of those ideas being put on shelves for a while. My angel therapy practitioner told me yesterday that now was a time of holding, not pushing, letting things happen. In order to get an idea in action, you need to create a little heat, a little movement. to kind of get the ball rolling. And then that heat stirs things up and you basically sit back and watch.

Oh, I've created a bit of friction lately, so the fire has been started. And now I'm in a kind of holding pattern, the liminal stage, still. A time of transition when we stand “betwixt and between” one state and another. Kind of like on a fence, although you aren't trying to make the decision as to which way to step. It kind of does it for you. Awkward, yes. The state of neutrality/ ambiguity until we reach full consciousness of the next place, the next stage, whatever you wish to call it. But I am okay with it. Probably because I am so exhausted, I can't fight it or push it where I'd like anyway.

So I think I'll go back into my room. I think it's calling me anyway. I'll release into that betwixt and between state (like I have a choice anyway....) and just flow with it. Not my usual mode of operation, but I think I can get used to it, letting go. And watch what happens....

The Old Woman I Shall Become...

The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning.... -George Sand

As I was contemplating old age, crone hood (as I am entering it) and the prospects of saggy everything, I came across this quote. And it made me think more on the ever approaching moment of crone hood.

Each chance, each feeling, each responsibility we commit our self to adds to the richness of our womanhood. I am no longer yesterday's woman. I am today's woman. And tomorrow I will also be today's woman, tomorrow! Yikes!

The weird thing is that I'll never be able to go back to her, without knowing, that she no longer meets the needs of the new woman emerging. I will look forward o these changes, to the older, wiser, (and hopefully sexier and a heck of a lot of fun) woman I am becoming. A woman who has perspective and wisdom to see the crap for what it is and let it go, to understand that the pain that is overwhelming right now is making way for this new lady of the world who will be a better version of the first.

If only I could trust and accept these lessons, to understand the words I have said myself - without the discomfort of pain, change cannot occur. Trust in the path I am on is what I need to believe daily. And look forward to the peace that comes with becoming.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs!

Seems that if I am not careful, I will run right smack into a sign these days. They appear to be coming faster and more frequently. I'm sure that there are some I have totally missed. Probably why these last three weeks have been full of illness, stress and just weirdness. Full length feature dreams in full color, fully scripted, starring some of my favorite (and not so favorite) people, past AND present!

Good gosh oh my, times are 'a changing.....quick......hurry, hurry and PLEASE watch out for those signs!

I usually hold onto emails that have something to read, a video to watch, something in which I must take the time to engage in, digest, and then I can erase them. Or copy significant text to ponder or use later. Most of the time, I end up saving the emails and never going back to them.

This morning I decided to go through a few. I had to look up some people and organizations online and while there, let's get some older items out of the way. This video was 23 minutes long. Wow, I have to sit here and watch this for almost half an hour...

But I watched and wondered when the video would ask me to buy something. It didn't. At least this one didn't. And I took notes as I always do. And then the author/guru said a phrase that resonated with me - translucent people. I had heard this before. Hey, I want to be one of those. So I looked it up. And low and behold there is a whole book on it. And another article. And it so happens this author wrote it (of course). So I read some more, looked up the book on Amazon and guess what. I own this book!!! I had to laugh at how the universe works.

It came out in 2005, the Translucent Revolution by Arjuna Ardagh. Obviously it resonated with me 5 years ago. But I never read it. Here is one of those signs that hit me smack in the head! I pulled it from the shelf and cracked it open to the forward and NOW I will finally read it. How do you like that for signs!

In a nutshell, here is what intrigued me. It is about people who have experienced powerful shifts of consciousness. Their awakening has changed who they know themselves to be and the nature of the world around them.

These awakenings initiate a gradual metamorphosis, which is both evolutionary and endless. A spontaneous generosity of spirit, an impulse to serve, and a willingness to transform living into art gradually replace the normal relationship to life marked by fear and acquisition. I call this endless process of evolution and transformation "translucence." Webster's dictionary defines translucent as "letting light pass through, but not transparent."

Translucent people also appear to glow from the inside. They have access to their deepest nature as peaceful, limitless, free, unchanging, and at the same time they remain fully involved in the events of their personal lives. Thoughts, fears, and desires still come and go; life is still characterized by temporary trials, misfortunes, and stress. But the personal story is no longer opaque: it is now capable of reflecting something deeper, more luminous and abiding.

So, thank you, to me, I guess, for heeding the signs. Times definitely are changing and people will either awaken to their true selves, or go down another path that might just lead them astray. So, off to my book!