My Birthday Wish

Okay, I know it's cheesy to post something about my birthday. Everyone will call or email or text and wish me a happy day. But that's not what I'm feeling. Besides, at my age, it is time to STOP celebrating! I wish the years would stop etching lines in my face and coloring my hair without my permission. I really wish I could stop the belly pooch from growing!

But all complaining aside, and I'm not really complaining, I've kind of come to grips with my age and all that comes with it.

My wish is to explore all the ideas that keep popping into my brain. Honest to God, I have never experienced so much neuron activity in my life! It feels like my brain is on speed! And a nice glass of red wine does NOT stop the incessant , continual brain banter.

But on the other hand, it is very exciting to finally know what it is I wish to explore and be okay with it. We hear about enlightenment and being awakened. I've realized that I have had enlightened moments many times. I just didn't trust them. Time like when I feel like everything is the best it can be and there is only hope and happy thoughts and the incredible feeling that I can do anything and that all of those anythings WILL happen.

Those visions motivate action. And any action I take moves me forward. A radical awakening is defined as a shift in self awareness, when you know you are limitless, and able to intuit the real potential in life. Have you been here? I have. Many times. And now I am greedy. I want more of those feelings.

I am the source of all that lies within, growing, feeling, soon to be birthed and nurtured.

I don't take for granted the moments that drop in my lap, like a conversation with a customer that leads to a potential for participation in an amazing project. There is a reason that conversation happened.

For years, I was told that I hopped around from one job, one project, one idea, to another. I guess maybe I did. But it is what was pulling me at those moments and I took the leap of faith, the chance to explore many different paths, experiences.

I am reading The Translucent Revolution by Arjuna Ardagh, and I found myself in the book. It said translucents enjoy creating and letting go of identities, which I have done countless times.

Ardagh says translucence is people who are waking up over and over and experiencing a deeper presence and purpose, a greater sense of joy, new found selflessness and deeper compassion.

Sounds good to me! So I wish myself more of that type of experience, more compassion and love for myself and those around me, and a heck of a lot more fun! Happy Birthday to ME!

Declaration

Writing more of my book today and came across this again. Long time ago creation that still rings true.

Declaration

I am defined as daughter, sister, wife, mother.

But I am more

I am spirit, I am flowers, I am the songs in my head, the words on this page.

I am laughter riding wild on the wind of a horse.

I am bare toes in mountain springs and Tahoe sands.

I hang only colors on my walls that speak to me.

I am new beginnings to only myself

I do not repair others’ souls.

I am only ears to hear and loving touches.

I am my path, not yours.

Though I can light a way for you

I am love to me

I am love to my forever babies

I can let you in and you will know how.

Words from the Heart

I am working with 3 other writers on a performance piece and we just performed it last night for the first time to a "safe" group of friends for their input and critiques. Two of us have been performing all our lives in bands, in theatre, and the other two have never performed before so we thought it necessary to "practice" it before setting it free to the world.

What came out of that evening was very thought provoking. One of the topics we are writing on is Mothers. It is the strongest and most profound group of the 5 topics we have chosen. It also elicited the most profound comments.

I came from what I am now calling, The Freddy Kruger Family. I don't think I need to explain it further than that. My mother piece reflected my story of years ago when I was kidnapped at knife point. My family did NOT come to my side with compassion or assistance to get me through the aftermath of that experience.

So, after years of telling my story, I am fully healed from it and can tell it with humor and peace. I think it took all those years of telling it to heal from it. I was unaware of it at the time, but telling your story is a very healing process. I have written the story from a very healed person's perspective, complete with sarcasm and humor. Unfortunately, when I read it to this audience, I received not so good reviews.

Why!?!? It is the best story I have ever written!!! What it did was horrify the audience who then told me that they wanted to badly to feel bad for me but couldn't be cause I was so angry about it!. I was not and am no longer angry at ALL! And it is very hard to accept any type of criticism as I lived my whole life getting criticized so, yeah, I am a bit sensitive.

BUT, because of how I grew up, I took the criticism to heart, thinking I was less than, and stayed up most of that night reworking, rereading, etc. What they were looking for was some fear or vulnerability from that experience. Okay, I can do that. And being an actress, I mostly reworked my delivery. I also added two additional lines and wrote back in some lines I had initially taken out.

I talked to a good friend who was there the next day and she said our work really made the audience think, A LOT, and most were still talking about it the next day. Great! That is just what you want out of a show. But the most important thing she told me was that she realized from my story who was the bad guy. And it wasn't my perpetrator. It was my family, for not supporting me with compassion and love. Her words were soft, kind, and she relayed that my experience showed me how to find people to attach to who loved me. These people, decades later, in hearing my stories, had more love and compassion for me than a lifetime from my own family.

And I am profoundly grateful. And what a opportune time of the year to give thanks. To myself for "making it" and for my truly wonderful husband, sons and friends. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Funny Times Ahead!

So four of us have decided to create a performance group, kind of a spoken word type of group. And word has it we will take it to the streets, so to speak, and do live performances. I really don't have an issue with this as I have performed most of my life, some in ways I would like NOT to remember!

What is interesting is there are four views on each topic. We all put ideas in a hat and have chosen (from that hat), which topics we will address. One word - four voices. And in a way, we have begun learning about one another. It seems that my life is a tragic one, full of bad mothers and abusive fathers. While I can laugh at all the "tragedies" now, it wasn't always that way. I survived, have lived to tell the next tale, and have made lemonade out of the lemons that were tossed into my cook pot.

It has also made me think about how those stories created themselves and more so, about those that affected them. Yes, we can all say we had terrible upbringings, full of dysfunction and drama. But if you look deeply at the people whom you'd like to blame for that dysfunction, you will also see the sadness and tragedy that formed their lives and souls.

Of course, there are some people who are just evil and brought to this earth to mess up those closest and dearest to them. I lived with one. But can I be so cliche to say that she helped make me the person I am now, more soulful, more compassionate of those closest to me? I think I can. So I can say a thank you now. The difficulties have passed. I can laugh at them. I can also cry at them still. And they continue to shape my ever changing being.

Compassionate and Unique Leadership Skills

"When you act from the highest, you will not only feel the delight of such a connection but others will be uplifted in your presence and get a hint of their own Divine Light." I procrastinated AGAIN and missed out on an important opportunity and I am angry at myself about it. I wanted to attend the Women's Conference 2010 at Omega Institute this fall and I put off signing up for it till today. And it is sold out. Bummer. Big bummer. BUT, there is an opportunity to win tickets to it by answering the question, "What unique qualities empower you, as a woman, to be a strong and compassionate leader?" Wow, big question. And it has to be answered in 200 words or less. I started reading some of the answers and was overwhelmed by the creativity and profundity. I've written things on that topic in more ways than one so I decided to go back and look at some of the words I have written. And if I pray and ask the universe for help, maybe, just maybe I will be the winner. A friend was just given free tickets to go back to Medjugorje in Bosnia, where she was healed. She felt a need to go back and could not afford to go, so she prayed. And she received! I DO believe that the universe is waiting to help if we just ask. "Ask and you shall receive." So I am because I feel deep down that it is important that I go this year. Here is my answer to that question in 247 words. Hopefully they aren't counting. Unique qualities for compassionate leadership are really quite simple. Believe in your dreams. Ask for help and receive. Face your biggest fears. Take risks that you know will lead to greater things. Trust and empower the people around you; trust in yourself and your abilities; trust your gut; trust that moving forward includes hurts, failure, darkness, as well as growth and achievement; trust that NOTHING is static, NOTHING ever goes as initially planned; trust that not knowing everything at all times is OK; life is unfolding as it is meant to. Let go of all preconceived notions - they will hold you back; let go of limiting behaviors; to "let go" is to fear less and love more. Accept yours and others flaws, intricacies, gifts, beauty; accept that you have no control over the universe and it will guide you. Become to others the same role model that moved you to greater things. Impart the wisdom you've learned to others moving along those same paths you once travelled, helping them to reach the level of inner comfort and outer freedom you yourself have found. If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see.