Guided by Herons and Angels

I was on Salt Creek yesterday for a leisurely canoe ride.  It was my idea.  One last ride before putting the canoe away for the winter.  The water was very low and the river trail had not been kept up as well as other waterways.

It was a very difficult paddle, maneuvering downed trees, large rocks jutting up from the riverbed and marsh overgrowth.  We had to portage the canoe a few times.  The mud was horrible, the water cold; some plant disagreed with my skin as I trudged through weeds to find a suitable place to get back in the canoe.

I was really angry that this final ride of the season was unpleasant.  I forced my husband out of the water as soon as an opportunity arose.  Nature was perfectly fine with me imposing myself on her, but I was not fine with the impositions she laid out for me.  Maybe it was the rough week of caring for a friend in hospice, who is gracefully making her final journey out of this life and into an unknown next.

So now I am embarrassed at my anger at something I cannot control.  Ahead of our canoe all morning was a flock of mallard ducks, peregrine falcons and two herons, as if to lead us through this difficult journey.  The pair of herons split up and one stayed behind, patiently waiting as we slowly made our way downstream, lifting off as we approached and flying ahead as if to guide us in the right direction.  It allowed us closer each time we came upon it, before it lifted its long legs and regal wings to fly it further ahead.  It looked prehistoric, we both noted, as if it had been flying for centuries, charting the path for those who followed.

How apropos that I experienced this difficult journey now.  Now, when everything in my life has stopped calling me to take notice, a lull that is quite uncomfortable and un-relenting.  This lull, this place of nothingness, has forced me to experience and understand me in ways I’ve never approached.  And this lull comes at a time when my dear friend also approaches her transition, her transformation, her de-manifesting from this life in order to manifest elsewhere, somewhere uncharted.

It is quiet now for her as she navigates this new trajectory.  Does she have guides as well?  Are there bumps and detours and perils on this new path?  I believe so as I noticed some pain the other day in her quiet face, a slight rise in her blood pressure.  I don’t believe it was physical pain.

She is journeying though her now passing life at great speed, experiencing the pains and joys of memories which she will take with her, memories that will be lost forever in the now as she finds her new place.  She will carry the residues of those memories that will color her new life and give her insight and intuition at crucial moments.  She will “know” things.  We all “know” things if we allow ourselves the quietude that gives way to these thoughts.  Like the knowing of a person you’ve never met before now or the “I’ve been here before” in a place you’ve never been.

I wonder if falcons and owls and herons guide her path now, alighting a short distance ahead, waiting for her, making sure she navigates the path safely.  The tumultuous path of innocence stolen, selfish partners, dreams lost, dreams found, ideals held tightly and hopes realized; the tree stumps and overgrown marsh blocking the way, forcing her to step around or through the muck one last time before the light lifts her out.

I feel shame for jumping out of the water too early, complaining that this is too hard, when I look into the peaceful face of a difficult and too short life of the angel I now sit beside.  Transitions are always difficult.  The long and winding road is steeped with dangerous curves, hills, rocks and detours.  But within, deep within, once you’ve stepped beyond the muck, a beauty awaits that is unimaginable and this is where dreams are fulfilled.

We are never given any experience that stops us in our tracks for more than the moments it takes us to comprehend and survive and to move our feet forward again, maybe on the same path or maybe a different one.  There are guides along the way if we keep our eyes centered and open.  There is always someone watching out along our path, be it mallards, herons or angels.

Caring for an Angel

"There is emptiness, nothingness, and there is something watching this nothingness.  Now who is it that is watching?  Who is the seer?  Find out who the seer is." ~Papaji

In the smallest hours of this morning, I awake to the anticipation of the caring of an angel in the making.  In just a few hours, I will take my watch and preside over her care.  She is stepping across that liminal border, no longer inhabiting this world as a bright spirit, but as only the worn, well-travelled tiny dancer of your former manifestation.  I cannot see your new light as I wonder the form you are now taking within this liminal stage.  What part of you is still here?  Will you still hear my voice speaking softly at your side?

Who lies before me now?  I will be watching your transformation into an angel, the metamorphose of pupa to butterfly, stretching  new translucent wings, perched and ready to take flight.  I cannot help but think, The Artist Formerly Know As!  This transformation is all happening under my careful watch today.  As I say my final farewells today and tomorrow, I can only imagine the energy expanding around your broken body as it readies itself for its new expression of you.

These are magical moments I am witness to and I am trying to wrap my mind around both the pain of loss and the exhilaration of what lies beyond it.  I want to understand this brief juncture, as I watch you, mindful that utmost care is taken in this space you still reside for this tiny moment in time, your rebirth into something I can only imagine.  I will watch at the threshold, where the boundaries are dissolving, in this betwixt and between space, the realm of pure possibility.

And I will be forever changed, grateful of this blessing bestowed, your gift to me as you spread your new wings and soar.

Planting an Angel in my Garden

I am going into the garden today because it is the only place that seems right.  A dear friend is peacefully making her way out of this world as I write this.  And the garden is where I will be.  She will be there.  I know I will find her out there with me.

She was a gardener herself.  She loved the feel of the soil in her hands and the beauty that resulted from her handiwork.  We understood that together.  We both spent time in each other's gardens, sharing stories, remarking on the beauty, the similarities and the differences.

I was lucky to have seen her just last week.  We cried and held each other as we said our goodbyes.  she said she would miss me and thanked me for our time together.  I told her she had given me a gift that I will treasure forever; that of walking with her through this cancer journey she endured with courage, dignity and grace.  I told her she had left a piece of herself in me and I would always have her there in me.

As the Buddha taught, there is no birth, there is no death; there is no coming, there is no going; there is no same, there is no different; there is no permanent self, there is no annihilation. We only think there is. When we understand that we cannot be destroyed, we are liberated from fear. It is a great relief. We are all part of everything and everyone before us and will be part of all that is after us.  We are not gone, we have transformed and continue elsewhere.

But we are always here.  And so I go to the garden today.

I showed her last week how to grow new plants from cuttings of the "mother" plant.  It was something she had wanted to learn and it seemed appropriate at this time.  It was my gift to her, to bring new life to her as one was moving on.

I will plant in my garden today, the new perennials I purchased yesterday and as I plant them I will offer a prayer in honor of this small but mighty woman.  I know I will find her out there with me and that gives me comfort.  I will speak to her in that space and tell her again I love her and will see her again one day.

And next spring, when the flowers bloom and life once again shows itself in the beauty of the leaves and petals, the colors and scents in all their glory, I will say, "hello dear friend, welcome back, I remember you, I will always remember you".

You are me.  I am you.  We are one.  That is love, and it is enough.

Today is a Good Day

“Today is a good day,” you once said, because the nausea had subsided and the trips to the bathroom had decreased to a single digit.  Today is a good day, for me, as I get to see you, sitting in bed, smaller than the last time but certainly not diminished.

You sit there, head covered by a bright purple cap you chose from the hospital’s cap bin, eating tiny bits of meat loaf and mashed potatoes, careful not to block your compromised airway; and you are glowing.

I wanted to tell you that purple is the color of royalty, expanded awareness and high spiritual attainment.  It is the color of the highest chakra, which connects us to the universe, to enlightenment.  It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. This is how you looked today.  But I didn’t tell you.

Only a few days earlier you struggled for the precious air that escapes you now.  But today you are glowing.  I sit next to you as you listen to the plans being made to take you home for the last time.

I am honored to have been at your side for very difficult news from your team, and I am again honored to sit with you and add my meager voice to your most precious hospice plans.  I find myself annoyed by what feels like tiny flies nipping at my arms as I try to listen, and I swat at them, trying to brush them away only to find that there are no flies or any insects for that matter in this intensive care room.  Of course there aren’t!  And no one else seems bothered by these pests either.

And then it becomes apparent to me.  Angels.  They are announcing themselves.  Of course.  They are gathering.  A few of them colored you in peace today and cleared your throat so you could feed your failing body and speak the many words you still have to say.

Today is a good day.  I am meeting your angels.  They have let me know that they know that I know.

Do you hear them too, my brave friend?  You must.  Your fear is gone, you tell me; and the pain has left your face.  You want to play cards, not talk of death.  You want to cram in as many stories from friends as your ears will allow.  You told me once that you knew that God is taking care of you.  Can you hear him now between the angels’ banter and laughing?

I want to hear you.  I want to hear the truths that are coming to you now.   I know you are tired but this student is eager to hear the wisdom that this journey has taught you.

I’ve been seeing dragonflies everywhere lately: symbols of transformation and life's ever-constant process of change, of leaving the old body to become a new, lighter creature inhabiting a different realm.  To some they are fairies. To others, they are the souls of those who have gone before us. Angels!

The lessons you’ve learned, the gifts of yourself you so wanted to share with those you love have come in the form of angelic beings. No gift has ever been lovelier.

Today is a good day filled with dragonflies, fairies and other celestial wonders.   As you have said, we will play again in the world beyond.  I believe that.  Until that time, I will revel in the beauty and magic of butterflies and dragonflies and think of you, sweet angel.

Finding Yourself in These Chaotic Times!

There are many faces modern women present to the world. We are the working professional, partner, lover, mother, caretaker, friend. No matter what the situation, women need to draw on a wide range of resources to keep it all together. It is said and written that tapping into goddess energy is one way to ensure you get through each day with your integrity intact.

I know, what the heck does that mean?  We hear it all the time lately.  Find your inner goddess and all will be right in your world.  Right….  So who is this goddess?  Is she pretty?  Strong?  Alluring? What qualities does she have that I might want to “tap into?”  Are we not goddesses already?

According to goddess.com.au, "being goddess is being able to recognize within one's self the things that are important, and then to strike the single note that brings them into alignment with everything else that exists." That is, by channeling the strengths of the real "You" so that the true You shines through with honesty and dignity, your goddess energy radiates a confidence, beauty and inspiration to those around you.

Creation by Her Gaia, by Sandra M. Stanton

I like to look at historical and mythological goddesses and their attributes to see how they might correlate to my life.  This month we look at Gaia.  In Greek mythology, Gaia (Ge) was the primal goddess personifying the earth. She was the Protogenos (primeval divinity) of earth, one of the primal elements who first emerged at the dawn of creation, along with air, sea and sky. She was the great mother of all : the heavenly gods were descended from her union with Ouranos (the sky), the sea-gods from her union with Pontos (the sea), the Gigantes from her mating with Tartaros (the hell-pit) and mortal creatures were sprung or born from her earthy flesh. Gaia was born out of chaos, and out of that turmoil, the world was created.  How wonderful!

She was "born" of Chaos, but this was not really a birth; as Chaos receded, Gaia came into being.  She birthed hundreds of children. Gaia was the first deity, from whom all others sprang.

Let’s look at chaos. When systems can no longer function, creating instability, a breakdown occurs.  There is talk all everywhere these days about the end of the world in 2012.  Is it the end of the world or the end of the world as we know it?

Have you felt an increasing instability in your life, a discomfort, a feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on?  It’s just enough agitation to make you uncomfortable, antsy.  I have felt this in the past and came to learn that if you sit with the discomfort, let it play itself out, comfort will come again.  Are you feeling ‘tapped out’ lately?  I know I am feeling this, as well as wondering what I am doing, why I am doing it and is it really what I want to do!

Could we all be in transition in our own lives?  I recently made a huge change and then a few months after that, another huge change was dropped in my lap.  I am not surprised at all.  It’s as if the world as we know it right now has been tossed up into the air and the pieces have not fallen back down to ground yet.  Where they will land and how they will land have yet to be determined. Can we guide where we will land after this year is over?

Some people fall apart when the status quo is upended, when disharmony occurs.  Denial used to be the best way to handle this discomfort.  I have a friend who told me he “shelves” uncomfortable feelings, relationships, never to return to them.  Of course, we know they all return to tap us on the shoulder, saying “remember me?”

It’s time to develop a new mind-set. According to Ervin Laszlo, author of Chaos Point, we are at a critical juncture in history, a "decision-window" where we face the danger of global collapse—or the opportunity for global renewal.  He says there are two types of growth possible – extensive growth and intensive growth. Extensive growth conquers, dominates, colonizes, consumes, and is unsustainable. Intensive growth develops individuals, communities and ecologies; it connects and communicates, develops consciousness and produces sustainability.

Laszlo’s term for the coming transition, in which we must develop a new mind-set, or worldview and a new structure for society, is Logos-Holos:  logos, meaning word of God or the current principal governing the cosmos; and holos, meaning the whole.

I say, change is a-comin’.  It is inevitable.  We must evolve to survive.  What does that mean to you?  For me evolution of consciousness is the key – I have to start thinking in new ways because the old ways of doing and thinking don’t seem to be working anymore.  The time for bandaging problems is over.  Time to look at the whole issue and fix it once and for all.  I have been meditating much more and trying to work more yoga into my daily routine.  What do you do to calm yourself, get back to homeostasis? 

Prayer, walks in the woods, gardening, dance – whatever it is that brings us back into balance is what we all should be seeking.   Through all of this irritation, Gaia, Mother Earth, is creating a pearl.  Anticipating...beautiful.

"The road to happiness lies in two simple principles: find what it is that interests you and that you can do well, and when you find it put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have.”

John D. Rockefeller III

My Wish for 2012

First and foremost,  my wish is peace for all - peace of mind, peace of spirit, peace in love and hate, peace in beginnings and endings.  It is a time of endings - a year;  a life on this earth for some, a spiritual life for others.

I saw an end to my store, friendships that had run their course, run out of road.  I saw an end to old thought patterns that do not serve me any longer.  Some revisited me, if only in dreams and some revisited in body or spirit.  Maybe to remind me of the importance they played in my life at one time.  Did I look at them from angles never seen before?  Yes.  Was their pain revisited?  Heck yes.  but there was also the love and gratitude that was once there and still is in some way.

Then I placed them lovingly in my deepest memory.  Some may never again come to call but they color my life and are a part of who I was and who I am becoming.  Some will call again and may be unrecognizable from my new perspective and may share my space once again.  So I say to them all;  I love you and thank you and send you on your own way.

This is also a time of beginnings.  While some were on their way out, others were entering.  I give thanks to all who blessed me with their presence this year.  To you, join me on my next journey!

If there is an unease as you move forward into the new year, embrace the transitional jitters as difficult as it might be.  It is here whether you like it or not.  Give it the space and love it desires and deserves and let it expand and grow into you..  I am right there, too, on that precipice, looking out onto so many possibilities, seen and unseen, eyes and heart wide open.  What an exciting moment to be present within!

If I can just love myself as much as I love those around me, it will spread its branches and support all. I come in contact with.  And if that love can assist those who are in greater turmoil, support them on their journey, then my wish is complete.

I say goodbye and hello in love as we step into the newness that lies ahead, known and unknown.  this is my wish to myself and to all.  Peace, prosperity, health, joy, fulfillment, laughter and love in 2012.  Thank you to all who have watched over me in body and in spirit.

This is the end of our worlds as we know them.  I'm excited.  I hope you are too!

Onward and Upward We Go!

From the middle of life onward, only he remains vitally alive who is ready to die with life.

Samuel Johnson

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.

Henry Ford

I have started the process of a huge change in my life.  I have decided to close my business of 5 years.  The decision process was long and arduous and not without tears and heartache.  “Why” is the question everyone asks, of course.  “Why” is a long discussion.  Of course, the first and foremost reason is our economic climate, which has NOT been friendly to small business owners.  And that is all I will say on that topic.

The other reasons are far more interesting.  Is it too cliché to say the business ran out of road?  If you think of it as a living and breathing entity, does it also have a life span?  Going even deeper than that, did it serve its purpose and is no longer relevant?  If we live our lives based on an earlier uninformed decision and don’t adjust as time goes by, we will stagnate.  So, long story short, the business reached the end of the road.  Yes, when I opened, I hoped to become the next lingerie mogul, but alas, that was not to be.

Then again, and more importantly, I gained so much more in the way of friends, experiences (good and bad), knowledge and direction.  It segued me from where I was to where I am now.  And I am so grateful for all of it, good and bad.  I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.  So I bless it as it goes away.

I also realized that the place I am in right now is brand new, with no attachments to the past.  This business was attached to so many parts of what once was. In leaving it, I also leave behind the sorrows, the entanglements, and the former me.  It is bittersweet and difficult to imagine moving forward without these constant companions of the past.  But we must shed these old and ill fitting ideals of the past to blossom into the newness of uncertainty.

I awoke last night to three black entities (shadow people as they are called) running through my room.  It scared the crap out of me.  I understand they represent the dark side, fear, uncertainty.  But they also represent an opening in spirit and soul, where the good and the not so good can enter for contemplation and reflection.  I told my dear friend of this incident and she said the best of me is being birthed as we speak.  That is good to know because with change comes fear or discomfort (why would you change otherwise?) and we tend to overlook the goodness that is coming from this.

This reflection is also bittersweet.  People, places, things, that are attached to the old come flooding into mind.  Maybe to say their goodbyes.  Maybe to ask to be remembered.  Maybe to tell us they still love us and remind us of their importance in our growth.  I don’t know for sure.  Some will be forgotten.  But the ones that created the most agitation will remain on the shelves in our souls and be taken down and dusted now and then, without the sentiment that brought them to us originally.

I read this a few days ago and it spoke to the place I am in at the moment.

As you communicate, so what you say unlocks doors for you. They open up on the inside as much as the outside. These doors take you further into the palace of truth. Life is inviting you to sink your foundations in the soil of essence. It is offering increased substance.

“A real life is the life of essence. You can call it soul, or God within you, or whatsoever you will.” --Osho

And what is essence? Essence is your original face without any masks. Essence is that which you brought into the world when you were born. Essence is that which was with you in the womb. Essence is that which has been given to you by God – or whatsoever you call the totality, the whole, existence. Essence is a gift from existence to you.

So, I welcome a rediscovery of my true essence as I move forward into new territory.  I give thanks to what I am leaving behind.  In the words of  Mary Church Terrell, and so, lifting as we climb, onward and upward we go, struggling and striving, and hoping that the buds and blossoms of our desires will burst into glorious fruition.

Change and Transformation - Today and Always!

It is the season of change - as summer winds down and we feel the cool autumn breezes blow in, we know change is coming. Memories of summer vacations are tucked away into photo albums, children are going back to school, summer work hours abate and we dive head first back into our work. Change. Sometimes subtle, sometimes brutal.

Change doesn't ask our permission into our lives. The status quo is comfy, settled into ourselves. If we are lucky, we can foresee it coming and try to adjust with the least amount of agitation to our current situation. Most of the time, it sideswipes us when we least expect it. Think about it - jobs, family, health. No one would ever make changes there if we weren't forced into it.

But change and the transformation that accompanies it can be the best thing we could have asked for. Of course, that is after we have made it through. I've begun the process of looking at Goddesses and their attributes and how they relate to our present lives, how they can help.

Goddess Oya, is a perfect goddess to start this coming season. She represents change and transformation. She is there to help identify and get rid of all the old wood in our lives.

The Goddess of Transformation urges us to die to the old in order to step into the new lives that we desire. OYA is always searching for the parts of you that are outdated and no longer serve you, brings them to the surface and asks that you release them.


But the funny thing is that we fight to hold on to these parts of ourselves. They are comfortable for us. These characteristics and beliefs are what we know and are tied to our identity. And the more we realize they no longer serve us and try to remove them, they hold on tighter in our body, mind and soul.

I'm at that place again; that uncomfortable unknowing that comes from letting go of one object/person/view/thought/fill in the blank,  to make way for the next, the new.  I am excited to understand that by sitting with the discomfort, the anxiety, will unfold the newness of change.  For the first time, I am stepping into an open place and letting it define itself without my pestering input!.  It knows me.  That unknown knows what I am capable of more than I do.  So I will sit quietly (well, maybe not that quietly) and wait for the gift that is coming.  Oy-Ya!
(click on blog title for more info or here on Oya)

This Garment is Wearing Well

This Garment is Wearing Well
An automatic writing piece from a meditation

Put back together what has come undone. The seams have opened before, you sewed them again. Then with wear and tear they opened again in a different place. And you sewed it back together again. Each time the seams get stronger.

The garment is not wearing out, it is wearing well. Each stitch uses a stronger yarn. This garment is fitting you better and better over the years. It has also gotten large enough for others to join you as they find their way.

The life you are stitching together is a piecemeal coat of wonderfulness. You world is under construction – again. But you are not alone and the garment, the life garment you are constructing will fit all in need; all those who are behind you. Light the way so they will walk easier, through a well-worn path with trees that reach out to each person at each juncture, each crossroad.

It is your path; it is their path. Their path is created from yours and will all become universal as one journey of many souls.

The Liminal Stage Continues

At the beginning of the year I felt a surge coming of energy and was feeling like I was going to have to hold on to my seat this year as it zoomed forward unabated. At first, there was a period (short as it was) of rest. I was so tired from a crazy year prior that I thought a rest was well deserved, at least in the confines of my own home considering I knew I was unable to "get away".

I asked my son who had moved out a year prior, if I could "redo" his room and make it into my own meditation/reading/writing room. He had been out of college for a couple of years and his room was still the way he left it and it needed a makeover. The makeover was easy. I didn't want to disturb the soul and essence that still existed in the room. This is the room of a gifted artist. A piece of his creative genius exists here. This has become my favorite room in a matter of months. It feels as if I have re-energized what was already in there and infused it with my own. The whole family feels it. The energy seems to have grown.

So I have done a lot of meditating in that room since then. My rest was taken there. I was thinking about all of the ideas I have had in the past year and recently looked at a sort of "to do" list I created prior to the new year. But those ideas that wanted to be nurtured into creation this year have taken a back seat. Not to anything in particular. But the urgency to move in that direction has ceased. Oh, the ideas are still there. I know they never go away.

They have been birthed and I know from experience that they are always being tended to, nurtured, watered, fed and are growing. If I let them be, they will always have the essence of the original idea, only with their own twist. It is fun to see how they transform from the original idea. I've learned not to hold on so tightly to an idea that I stifle it.

I recently came off of a very busy month at the store (thank you universe for looking down on me!) and immediately went on a buying trip in New York. I have not had real time off in two months. Actually, since probably mid January. And I am plumb tuckered out. I wonder if the exhaustion is at the core of those ideas being put on shelves for a while. My angel therapy practitioner told me yesterday that now was a time of holding, not pushing, letting things happen. In order to get an idea in action, you need to create a little heat, a little movement. to kind of get the ball rolling. And then that heat stirs things up and you basically sit back and watch.

Oh, I've created a bit of friction lately, so the fire has been started. And now I'm in a kind of holding pattern, the liminal stage, still. A time of transition when we stand “betwixt and between” one state and another. Kind of like on a fence, although you aren't trying to make the decision as to which way to step. It kind of does it for you. Awkward, yes. The state of neutrality/ ambiguity until we reach full consciousness of the next place, the next stage, whatever you wish to call it. But I am okay with it. Probably because I am so exhausted, I can't fight it or push it where I'd like anyway.

So I think I'll go back into my room. I think it's calling me anyway. I'll release into that betwixt and between state (like I have a choice anyway....) and just flow with it. Not my usual mode of operation, but I think I can get used to it, letting go. And watch what happens....

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs!

Seems that if I am not careful, I will run right smack into a sign these days. They appear to be coming faster and more frequently. I'm sure that there are some I have totally missed. Probably why these last three weeks have been full of illness, stress and just weirdness. Full length feature dreams in full color, fully scripted, starring some of my favorite (and not so favorite) people, past AND present!

Good gosh oh my, times are 'a changing.....quick......hurry, hurry and PLEASE watch out for those signs!

I usually hold onto emails that have something to read, a video to watch, something in which I must take the time to engage in, digest, and then I can erase them. Or copy significant text to ponder or use later. Most of the time, I end up saving the emails and never going back to them.

This morning I decided to go through a few. I had to look up some people and organizations online and while there, let's get some older items out of the way. This video was 23 minutes long. Wow, I have to sit here and watch this for almost half an hour...

But I watched and wondered when the video would ask me to buy something. It didn't. At least this one didn't. And I took notes as I always do. And then the author/guru said a phrase that resonated with me - translucent people. I had heard this before. Hey, I want to be one of those. So I looked it up. And low and behold there is a whole book on it. And another article. And it so happens this author wrote it (of course). So I read some more, looked up the book on Amazon and guess what. I own this book!!! I had to laugh at how the universe works.

It came out in 2005, the Translucent Revolution by Arjuna Ardagh. Obviously it resonated with me 5 years ago. But I never read it. Here is one of those signs that hit me smack in the head! I pulled it from the shelf and cracked it open to the forward and NOW I will finally read it. How do you like that for signs!

In a nutshell, here is what intrigued me. It is about people who have experienced powerful shifts of consciousness. Their awakening has changed who they know themselves to be and the nature of the world around them.

These awakenings initiate a gradual metamorphosis, which is both evolutionary and endless. A spontaneous generosity of spirit, an impulse to serve, and a willingness to transform living into art gradually replace the normal relationship to life marked by fear and acquisition. I call this endless process of evolution and transformation "translucence." Webster's dictionary defines translucent as "letting light pass through, but not transparent."

Translucent people also appear to glow from the inside. They have access to their deepest nature as peaceful, limitless, free, unchanging, and at the same time they remain fully involved in the events of their personal lives. Thoughts, fears, and desires still come and go; life is still characterized by temporary trials, misfortunes, and stress. But the personal story is no longer opaque: it is now capable of reflecting something deeper, more luminous and abiding.

So, thank you, to me, I guess, for heeding the signs. Times definitely are changing and people will either awaken to their true selves, or go down another path that might just lead them astray. So, off to my book!

Meraki - The Soul's Work

Once again I find myself sifting though old papers that have piled up over the months/years/decades... Lately it has been a time of cleanup in my life. So much has been thrown out from the last incarnation or donated to causes I once did work for. So yes, that does make me feel better that there is use of stuff I have no use for anymore.

And I came across this. Meraki. A Greek word meaning "to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put yourself into what you are doing."

And again, it popped up when I needed it. Now. Once more sign that tells me I am on the right track. I watched a music show a while ago and they were interviewing Richard Marx, who said when you have a passion, money doesn't drive you, fame doesn't drive you. He said it is this inner passion, a feeling of "there is nothing else", a drive to create regardless of any outer focus. This is the way of the true artist. It is all within. And I get it.

I watch my son, who is a musician, work because he is driven by an inner desire that precedes any outer reason. he gave up a steady gig with steady pay because it did not "juice" him anymore. It didn't fulfill his need to create and he let it go to move forward. He doesn't look back. He moves forward with such confidence. And I get it. So I don't worry. I know he will be fine.

So I continue to clear out, empty, and then water the visions and dreams a bit each day. I know they are growing. I've seen it happen before. And I'll do it with Meraki!

Liminality - the Space In Between

Reality is the place between the sea and the foam. Irish Proverb

Dictionary.com defines it as:

the transitional period or phase of a rite of passage, during which the participant lacks social status or rank, remains anonymous,shows obedience and humility, and follows prescribed forms of conduct, dress, etc.

It is defined as the space in-between. It is emptiness and nowhere. It is a place of dying and rebirth, the space between death and rebirth, something that cannot be seen. Liminality is where transformation occurs. It is when we are betwixt and between, and by definition, not in control. An uncomfortable place to be if you ask me, but a place of impending change, which to me is exciting.

In the book, Crossing to Avalon - it is described as passing through a gateway, a threshold - an in between zone where we are neither who we used to be nor who we are becoming. We are standing in a doorway between two phases of our own life.

In this liminal phase we are vulnerable, thin skinned, which means we are open to new growth. T.S. Eliot wrote about a point of intersection of the timeless with time. It is a place where eternal and ordinary perception overlap the spiritual world and visible reality come together. Only in periods of availability will a person respond to a call to adventure or love and the lessons they bring.

Okay, so what does this mean and why even talk about it? I came upon notes I had taken from books and other readings, which are shared above, at the right time in my life.

As I came back from a spectacular trip to the Omega Institute for a Women's Leadership conference, thoughts were screaming in my head, copious notes had been taken the whole weekend, I rewrote my ideas for a retreat center, cleared out some old personal "garbage", and was ready to take on the work of my next incarnation.

And I got home and none of this happened. I couldn't write, my thoughts were unclear, my head foggy. I got sick recently, which put my head in an ever worse fog and I wondered what happened to that energy and spark that was on fire in New York. Even my meetings with people I met on that trip didn't spark anything new or exciting. What was wrong with me?

Then tonight, as I tried to free write in my journal (with no luck), I came across old notes and writings, which included liminality. And I realized where I was at this moment in my life. Funny, once again, if you look for the signs, they are here in front of you.

I guess I, too, am in another state of transition, that place in between. I am letting go of the old and worn out but the new has not presented itself yet. Jung calls the psychological journey to wholeness as individuation, a task of the 2nd half of life.

So, again, I wait, quietly, because I know in the quiet and nothingness, things are happening that are out of my control, out of my realm of thought. It tires me, this non-work. But it also excites me, as I know out of it comes newness, new thought, new direction, new beginnings, new you.

Seven Year Cycle

"The number Seven was esteemed holy, as is well known, by reason of the six days of creation, and of the seventh, which is the celestial man, in whom is peace, rest, and the sabbath..." - Swedenborg A.R. 657 The last post was about my dying smoke tree. Well, I looked out the window today and every single branch is dying. I resigned myself to letting it go through the winter and then cutting it back in the early spring and feeding it very well to encourage new growth and another year of life. And then it seemed to me that maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should just let nature take its course and allow the poor thing to die peacefully with no life support of any kind. It blessed me this summer with the most beautiful blooms I have ever seen it its lifetime. And the blooms lasted throughout the rest of the summer and into the fall. It was breathtaking. And it should have reminded me that I certainly know that when a plant blooms this heavy and for so long, it is saying its farewell. Such a sweet thank you I received and didn't pay enough attention to. I planted that tree around 7 years ago. The Seven Cycle Year is the time to rest, to deepen your philosophy, to reflect and build inner reserves. It is the start of the fruition cycle. In the plant stage the plant rests from growth as it puts its accumulated reserves of energy into the blossoms which causes the flowers to unfold. The seven-year cycles are an evolutionary spiral. They belong to every being that has ever been created. There is no one who does not go through them. There is a natural release of energy every seven years which encourages you to move forward and make changes. Every seven years there is, within the system, a total change. If I look back, 7 years ago I had left my position at Garfield Park Conservatory. My swan song had been the county fair of September 2002. It was a glorious finish to my career there, an event coordinated with the City of Chicago's World Music Fest. Over 4 thousand people attended the one day event. It bloomed for a day and then I was gone.

And in the past seven years, I have changed careers, opened a business, lost two parents and other loved ones, lost some friends, and weathered an economic nightmare!

But I have also gained some wonderful new friends, been blessed with a business that allows me to create and expand in so many other ways. I don't know if the last seven years have been restful but they sure have been thought inducing, full of reflection and I have had to build major emotional and energy reserves to keep it all together! All to become the flowering/fruiting process. And that is what my tree did. It spent 6 glorious years building to that last gorgeous bloom and is stepping aside for the next tree, plant, project, etc. As for me, the last seven years have been of change, transition, building reserves, so that the next seven will be fruitful. I do feel that itch. It is an irritation that has no name yet. Just a funny little feeling that started this year, the sixth year. I've felt it before. It is that final push before the next big thing pops up. It used to bother me, that funny little feeling, and it still does. But I get it. I understand. Or at least I know it is temporary. And I look forward to what unfolds next. Because many seeds have been planted in the last seven years. And being a gardener, I know that not all the seeds will germinate. I will have to sit quietly and wait to see what pops up out of the ground. Who knows, maybe it will be a new smoke tree sapling next spring. Oh, I will tend to my dear plant as it fades. If I am diligent, I may be able to steal another year out of it, but I don't think it will bloom as it did this year. And if it quietly goes permanently dormant this winter, I will mourn the loss but celebrate a new season of growth, of change, of awe for the ever changing life around me.

Season of Change

Today I found out my beloved smoke tree has verticillium wilt and it is dying. It started this decline two years ago and I was able to give it a dose of "help" that got it through another couple of years. This summer it bloomed so profusely and it was breathtaking. Unfortunately, I know from years as a horticulturist, that this type of bloom is a plant's last ditch effort to "seed" before it dies. And I believe this is what is happening.

Why am I bothering to tell you this? Well, several things. Attachment is one. I coveted this tree. It is a rare variety that I searched for and finally found at Rich's Fox Willow Pines. Instead of the normal burgundy bloom from the common variety, these blooms started pink and turned rose and then a dark rose and they are so large and last from June through August. I loved that tree and cared for it as I would a child and reveled at the spectacular show every year. And it grew twice the size it's supposed to grow which made me even more proud. I became very attached to that tree.

As many religions will tell you, attachment is not good. And now it is dying. Oh, I will try my best to do whatever I can to save it another year knowing it made its final show for me and now needs to go. And I will cry. And then I will release the pain, rework the yard and find another plant to take its place. Unfortunately, I cannot plant another one like this in the same place as the disease is in the soil would kill the next one as well. So I must say goodbye to my dear friend.

A few weeks back, I said goodbye to another very good friend (human.....) and it hurts badly to do this. But the time had come and change is due. Out with the old.....

It makes me look back to a jade plant I propagated back in school about 22 years ago. One tiny little jade leaf was planted in my basic horticulture class when I was just learning the basics of horticulture. This was when I had made another huge transition in my life and was changing careers and went back to school. I cared for this plant and it grew into a huge jade tree from that one leaf. It would have gone for over $300 in a retail plant shop. I was proud of the work I had done for those 15 or so years.

Five years ago the pot broke and the plant fell out and broke in a million pieces. My huge jade tree was now scattered all over the floor. I was crushed! I took care of that plant for 15 years, grew it into the huge beautiful specimen that it once was!

I then realized that it had served its purpose in my life. I was changing careers again and was saying goodbye to my horticulture career. So I replanted the few pieces into a new pot and started fresh. My life was once again transitioning and with that, death of some sort is inevitable. You cannot start new without the old dying. I let go of that plant, that life period, and faced a whole new season of my life.

So, as much as it pains me to lose my beloved tree, I believe once again it is the season of change. Losing things dear to you makes way for newness, new people, new events, and yes, new trees. Once again, I must let go of the old to make way for the new. And it isn't easy. If it was, we would never change.

Hopefully we learn from those things we must now let go of. My new "old" jade plant is growing nicely. It came back. It is different, but I still have it. And if the people I have had to let go come back, they too will be different. We will be different. And that will be good. And they will be welcomed. As will my beautiful smoke tree, someday....

Dumping

Tonight I gave away more supplies from my last incarnation. Boxes and boxes of dried herbs, candle making supplies, pots, dried flowers, left out the back door and entered into a car that would drive them to a not-for-profit organization who would recycle them into the same crafts I originally bought them for.

It's funny how life cycles, down to flower picks and adaptable tools from 20 years of horticulture programming. It made me feel good to know that these items wouldn't go to a landfill, that some child or person with a disability would benefit. And so my work continues, work that I left behind two years ago now.

Work that I will probably go back to some day. Don't' we all do that? In some form, in some recycled way. Life keeps turning itself over and over. Nothing is new. It may look and feel new, but if you look closely, it is just a shiny new coat of paint over an old and comfortably worn job, or idea, or hobby. That's why it is so comfortable and feels like home.

And when we learn something new, it is woven into our old, comfy ways of doing things. It all becomes part and parcel to our wonderful selves. Yes, aging can have it's aggravations, like stiff joints and a few extra whiskers where there once were none. But it also gives you more patience, more wisdom, more skills.

So now, as I wake each morning with unease, I know I've been there before. Oh, yeah, transition. Done that before. Yeah, it's tough. It doesn't feel good, this out with the old to make way for the new. But I know it will pass. It always does. So now I look at it with wonder and excitement (after I've dealt with the early morning panic!) and know there is some exciting new stuff that is out there brewing. And it's brewing with some of the old stuff, which seasons the pot and makes for a better outcome.

I'm just one big recycled life. But no one picked up my old life in their car tonight. Just some old stuff pushed out of an old life.

Funny Times Ahead!

So four of us have decided to create a performance group, kind of a spoken word type of group. And word has it we will take it to the streets, so to speak, and do live performances. I really don't have an issue with this as I have performed most of my life, some in ways I would like NOT to remember!

What is interesting is there are four views on each topic. We all put ideas in a hat and have chosen (from that hat), which topics we will address. One word - four voices. And in a way, we have begun learning about one another. It seems that my life is a tragic one, full of bad mothers and abusive fathers. While I can laugh at all the "tragedies" now, it wasn't always that way. I survived, have lived to tell the next tale, and have made lemonade out of the lemons that were tossed into my cook pot.

It has also made me think about how those stories created themselves and more so, about those that affected them. Yes, we can all say we had terrible upbringings, full of dysfunction and drama. But if you look deeply at the people whom you'd like to blame for that dysfunction, you will also see the sadness and tragedy that formed their lives and souls.

Of course, there are some people who are just evil and brought to this earth to mess up those closest and dearest to them. I lived with one. But can I be so cliche to say that she helped make me the person I am now, more soulful, more compassionate of those closest to me? I think I can. So I can say a thank you now. The difficulties have passed. I can laugh at them. I can also cry at them still. And they continue to shape my ever changing being.

Manifest Your Dreams

"All we are is a result of what we have thought." Buddha

I found some notes today in my take to work bag. Don't know when or where they come from. Wow, I really need to get all these notes into one place. I read a lot and take notes on what I read; things that really touched me or that I want to remember. A good deal of them make more sense later on when you come back to them and reread. I think it is because at the time of writing them, they are thoughts in the air and in writing them down, they become wishes, seeds, dreams of things to come. And thus manifesting occurs.

Plant a seed, water it, and it grows. I know that. I am a horticulturist. I've been planting seeds for over 20 years. These seeds/dream/wishes are different though. They don't always grow to into what you initially planted. Which is the exciting part!

My take on manifesting: Thoughts become things. That is manifestation. And it is the affirmation of your current thoughts. Negative thoughts beget negative manifesting. The law of attraction is always working whether you know it consciously or not. If you have a prolonged chronic way of thinking you manifest those thoughts in being. And then you wonder why your life stays the same. You attract predominant thoughts that are in your focus whether they are conscious or unconscious.

Your life is a physical manifestation of the thoughts in your head. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative thought. Whatever you are thinking and feeling today is creating your future. Your thoughts and feelings create your life. When you think of it in this way, your future depends upon positive thoughts! We can change our path through a shift in our awareness.

1. ASK! The universe responds to your thoughts and wishes.

2. BELIEVE! If you believe that it is yours already, and show unwavering faith, you will attract the way for that wish to get to you; the path will appear! It's really as easy as that. Think about it.....

For example, early last year I knew I wanted to move into a more spiritual direction with my store. I wanted to offer workshops on goddesses, spirit and the like. But I knew no one who could provide these types of programs. I didn't know where to begin. And then an angel appeared right in my store. I spoke of her in an earlier blog. I was having the worst day and she read me like a book. I NEVER show anything but joy and pleasantries to my customers but she knew there was something wrong. This lovely woman sat me down for over an hour after we had no luck in finding an item that fit her. And we talked about life. She said I needed to see this local akashic soul records reader, Linda. My mood suddenly was lightened after she left. I know now that she was truly an angel. I pay more attention now to angels in my midst! They are there all the time, in body and in soul.

So I went to see this woman and after our visit, people started entering my life in response to my desire for said workshops above. And since then, this desire has been building and manifesting into other ideas and themes. My initial desire has transformed into something much larger. It is all very exciting to watch all this unfold.

3. Doubt - If you doubt, this will lead to disappointment as what you desire will not come to you. Replace doubt with unwavering faith!

4. Receive - FEEL the way you will feel once what you desire arrives. Put yourself into the frequency of what you're wanting. What would you feel like if you had it right now. Feel that.

5. Act - When intuitive feeling is present, ACT ON IT! List what you are grateful for. Gratitude is a way to bring more of what you're grateful for about. Visualizing what you want will help to materialize it. Dwell only upon the end results. FEEL the end result. The universe will figure out how it will manifest. All YOU have to do is feel it as already here. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it; you must act on it. WE have to remember our body is the product of our thoughts. What we resist, persists. Energy flows where attention goes. Cute, kitchy phrases, but oh, so true.

Here are a few more to ponder. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. No one else can dance your dance, sing your song, write your story....only you can. Now get manifesting!!

Transition

This whole transition thing has got me all in a tizzy. I wonder sometimes why my lesson seems never to be learned!!! Or does it continue to morph into a new lesson I need to learn. A good friend told me the other day, (when I was fretting over my business and how I was going to make ends meet, la la blah, blah, and all that...) that I must stop fretting and think happy thoughts (not exactly in those words but something like that). What she was referring to was manifestation. I know all this and am a firm believer in that you plant a seed, water it a bit now and then, and it usally grows. I have seen this first hand, with my businesses. I also know that it is hard to think those happy thoughts when stress has you in its grips! I mentioned in another post that I had seen an akashic soul reader (they read the life and purpose of your soul in your lifetimes) I had asked her when it would be time to see her again. She said what she read that day had opened it up to the universe and I would know when it was time again to see her. Hmmmmm, very cryptic! But now I see that the ideas that came forth during that reading have now begun to manifest. I had ideas and plans but no pathway for them to present themselves. Since then, people have come forward and a meager path has been created. Did I do that by myself? Is it magic? Coincidence? Whatever it is and how it came to be, my ideas are sprouting leaves. I do continue to search for that portal to the next transition, the next phase in my life. I know it is nearby if I keep my eyes and heart open. And all else will fall away that is not necessary. I know it is never easy. Even the outgrown people, ideals, dreams were once my truest companions. But they have grown stale and outgrown their purpose. Or maybe they have transitioned into something new that is right in front of me and I have yet to recognize. Letting go is always hard. I am the first to admit I hang on till the bitter end, hoping it's not so for any particular "dead or dying" thing in my life. But they have to go. Room has to be made for the new that is trying to sprout under all the debris, like the smallest saplings in the deep forest. And maybe, just maybe, (because I can't let go of certain outgrown or dying things), just maybe when room is made for the new, that new light that is created can feed that "certain thing" and bring it back to life, in new form, like the phoenix rising from the ashes.

Age, Hormones and all that Fuss

I was enlightened last night. As I near that “time” when one becomes an older woman and is no longer able to bear children, I have started to question my sanity. Is this emotion I am feeling due to normal life or can I blame it on menopause? Of course, I would love to not have to take any responsibility for my emotional state but never having been in this place before, I have questions, many of them. So I had drinks, many of them, last night, with my dear (older, if I may) friend, Diane. I confessed my fear of the time I have left to do all of the things I’ve always wanted to do, but never found the time to do. You know, while I still have my looks, my savvy (if I may), my brains, and the stamina of a 22 year old. Of course my 22 year old body could assist in this. I know it’s still in this older version of myself somewhere. And how did my boobs get bigger in the last year when I didn’t put on any more weight? But that’s another topic altogether…. I’ve always cursed the need that I have to do more, more, more. Why open one business when you can open two or three…..or a chain? Lately, my brain has turned up the volume and frenzy like never before. Last night, Diane and I drank a bottle of wine between us (okay, it WAS over a 4 hour period), and I went home at 12:45am to find myself wide awake with brain activity. What do I do when I grow up? Where do I want to be in 5 years? How do I increase sales? Can I expand the business into more locations? And the list goes on and on. So I continue to contemplate all of this. And Diane calmed my nerves by informing me that life is great for her now. She is doing all these new great things in her life. The frenzy is gone, her brain is clear and she is doing all the things she ever wanted to do. So there is hope. And of course I have another idea to bring to fruition to help ladies in my predicament. Maybe this brain frenzy isn’t that bad after all? eden Baubo's Garden