The Fisherman

I see you under every baseball cap, grinning, beer in hand, suntanned, burned or pale, depending on the season, strong chest, strut like a cock.

You, who took my heart; or I gave it away, doesn't matter; it or part of it is gone.  Retrieving it hasn't been easy.  You hide away in plain sight.  Every cap is yours, every fishing boat along the Pacific where I sun now has you at the bow, reeling in the catch, woman or fish.

How many trophies have you?  Isn't your stock full enough?  Each day you throw out the net, entice the big ones with your bait, your promises, throw out the insignificant ones with barely a thought.  And then after admiring your catch, you gut them, eat the viable parts and toss the scraps back, remnants no one wants.

I've been gathering those scraps you tossed back for years, reassembling them into me or what I thought was me.  Finally, I am complete.  Not the same version of me, though.  I can't be.  Scars are left from the patching up.  Some are thick still.  Some have faded.  All have left a phantom sting that burns when I see every grin under every baseball cap.  The sting that keeps me here, in place, not moving, safe, far from the net.

Angels in our Midst....again.

I was reading another blog post today.  it was written by the woman who works for me.  So much has happened since I hired her.  And so much has happened to her since that time as well. It got me thinking about how angels are right in front of you all the time, all you have to do is pay attention.

Christina was one of those angels.  She dropped into my life out of the blue.  Well, seems she knew me before I really knew her.  She had shopped at the store prior to me really noticing her. (It is hard to remember everyone that comes into the store unless you make such a hullabaloo that it is impossible NOT to remember.)

When she contacted me about a job, I had no need for help but there was something in her demeanor that told me to not let this pass by without some more investigation.  So I took a chance.  And that chance turned out to be a huge blessing to me and the store.  It seems that when the two of us are together, the energy or vibe or something blows up big and amazing things happen.

We created a huge project together on breast cancer awareness, sales increased at the store, as did the customer base.  I wasn't sure when we met, but my gut told me to take a leap of faith.  she was, IS an angel in my life.  She has no idea what she has done for me personally as well as what she does at the store.  I don't know if she ever will understand it totally.

We banter back and forth about many things, laugh hysterically and talk about our very similar lives.  It feels like she is a younger version of me.  And now she is a staff writer for a local newspaper and fashion blogger.  She loves to write and is excellent at it.  Of course, in her growth spurt of this year, she told me she couldn't work for me like she had in the past.  It broke my heart but I know it is the right thing for her and I will be okay at the store.  I trust that our lives will be connected in one way or another and I thank her for coming into my life.

Prior to Christina, there was another "angel" who popped in at the worst personal time for me.  He helped me out of the funk and into the world of online newsletters, which has become a huge part of my information railway at the store and beyond.  I have added many options to the newsletter that are above and beyond a traditional retail store newsletter.

And just a few days ago, a new angel came into the store.  She was a new customer and there wasn't anything outstanding about our encounter until I handed her the bag of just purchased goodies.  I was wearing a silver charm bracelet and one of the charms is an angel.  That charm's outstretched arm hooked onto the handle of the bag as I was handing it to the customer.  We laughed when we looked down and she gasped as she told me she believes in angels and knows they surround her all the time.  She said she can tap into their goodness, power, wisdom at any time.

We laughed at this mishap and chatted a while about angels in our midst, knowing that they indeed are with us always.  I know I will see her again and I look forward to our next conversation with all four of us!

Seven Year Cycle

"The number Seven was esteemed holy, as is well known, by reason of the six days of creation, and of the seventh, which is the celestial man, in whom is peace, rest, and the sabbath..." - Swedenborg A.R. 657 The last post was about my dying smoke tree. Well, I looked out the window today and every single branch is dying. I resigned myself to letting it go through the winter and then cutting it back in the early spring and feeding it very well to encourage new growth and another year of life. And then it seemed to me that maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should just let nature take its course and allow the poor thing to die peacefully with no life support of any kind. It blessed me this summer with the most beautiful blooms I have ever seen it its lifetime. And the blooms lasted throughout the rest of the summer and into the fall. It was breathtaking. And it should have reminded me that I certainly know that when a plant blooms this heavy and for so long, it is saying its farewell. Such a sweet thank you I received and didn't pay enough attention to. I planted that tree around 7 years ago. The Seven Cycle Year is the time to rest, to deepen your philosophy, to reflect and build inner reserves. It is the start of the fruition cycle. In the plant stage the plant rests from growth as it puts its accumulated reserves of energy into the blossoms which causes the flowers to unfold. The seven-year cycles are an evolutionary spiral. They belong to every being that has ever been created. There is no one who does not go through them. There is a natural release of energy every seven years which encourages you to move forward and make changes. Every seven years there is, within the system, a total change. If I look back, 7 years ago I had left my position at Garfield Park Conservatory. My swan song had been the county fair of September 2002. It was a glorious finish to my career there, an event coordinated with the City of Chicago's World Music Fest. Over 4 thousand people attended the one day event. It bloomed for a day and then I was gone.

And in the past seven years, I have changed careers, opened a business, lost two parents and other loved ones, lost some friends, and weathered an economic nightmare!

But I have also gained some wonderful new friends, been blessed with a business that allows me to create and expand in so many other ways. I don't know if the last seven years have been restful but they sure have been thought inducing, full of reflection and I have had to build major emotional and energy reserves to keep it all together! All to become the flowering/fruiting process. And that is what my tree did. It spent 6 glorious years building to that last gorgeous bloom and is stepping aside for the next tree, plant, project, etc. As for me, the last seven years have been of change, transition, building reserves, so that the next seven will be fruitful. I do feel that itch. It is an irritation that has no name yet. Just a funny little feeling that started this year, the sixth year. I've felt it before. It is that final push before the next big thing pops up. It used to bother me, that funny little feeling, and it still does. But I get it. I understand. Or at least I know it is temporary. And I look forward to what unfolds next. Because many seeds have been planted in the last seven years. And being a gardener, I know that not all the seeds will germinate. I will have to sit quietly and wait to see what pops up out of the ground. Who knows, maybe it will be a new smoke tree sapling next spring. Oh, I will tend to my dear plant as it fades. If I am diligent, I may be able to steal another year out of it, but I don't think it will bloom as it did this year. And if it quietly goes permanently dormant this winter, I will mourn the loss but celebrate a new season of growth, of change, of awe for the ever changing life around me.

Clearing Out to Make Way for New

Oh how cliche! How many times have we heard this saying. Clean out the old to make way for the new. But what the heck does that mean? At one point in my life it used to be clearing out the old clothes/shoes/purses/underwear to make way for a new batch that was probably already in the house with nowhere to be stashed.

Or at another time, it was clear out the old boyfriend as the new one was waiting in the wings. Or on a sadder note, clearing out your desk as in you've been fired!

But now, as I move along further towards my "golden years", clearing out takes on a whole new meaning. Literally, I DO need to clean and clear out. A lifetime of hoarding - for what I ask - has led to a pile of junk. Add to that the piles of junk of two sons and a husband and you have what it takes to be a guest on the TV show, Hoarders. I, for one, cannot take it anymore. And I seem to be the only one in my house who agrees!

I can't think anymore. The clutter of a lifetime and the increasing "clutter" in my brain, has made it imperative to start dumping. There isn't one inch of room left to ponder, to wonder, to create, let alone think about the next phase of my life.

They are wrong when they say, once the kids are grown, you will have all this time and space to enjoy life. For me, it has become more complicated. There is a grown son on the verge of something quite large and it excites me to have a hand in that, to help, to guide. A husband, who is also needing to sow some new oats, and a teenager who wants to be everything that has ever crossed the dinner table as an idea! I find it all very exciting but it is taking up a big part of space in my ever decreasing brain space.

So, since I am only one person and no longer "superwoman" (was I ever?), I started with the garage yesterday. After all, it was Labor Day. So I labored. Such a need came over me to clear out my last incarnation with was sitting under the current incarnation. Oh, I gave up horticulture programming for good two years ago but couldn't' quite get the nerve to rid myself of all the supplies stored in every nook and cranny for the last 20 years.

"I just might go back to that, you never know......" I am finding out, too, that there are people and relationships attached to those items as well. So I'm clearing out tangible as well as intangible items. Great, more "stuff".

So now, they lay neatly in boxes and piles, waiting for the lucky person who is in need of those supplies for their own programs for adults or children. Who knows, they might be ridding themselves of their own last incarnation to make more room for my supplies!

And as each shelf emptied, a small space was created in my being. In the past, I might have run to fill that space. But no longer is that necessary. I will patiently keep clearing out till there is nothing left but empty space. In the garage, in the basement, in my head. What a glorious moment that will be. And the feeling of floating on air, weightless. What a great place to begin again from. I would like it to happen prior to my Omega Institute trip end of month. Wow, only a couple weeks away.... gotta run...... more to clear.....

Funny Times Ahead!

So four of us have decided to create a performance group, kind of a spoken word type of group. And word has it we will take it to the streets, so to speak, and do live performances. I really don't have an issue with this as I have performed most of my life, some in ways I would like NOT to remember!

What is interesting is there are four views on each topic. We all put ideas in a hat and have chosen (from that hat), which topics we will address. One word - four voices. And in a way, we have begun learning about one another. It seems that my life is a tragic one, full of bad mothers and abusive fathers. While I can laugh at all the "tragedies" now, it wasn't always that way. I survived, have lived to tell the next tale, and have made lemonade out of the lemons that were tossed into my cook pot.

It has also made me think about how those stories created themselves and more so, about those that affected them. Yes, we can all say we had terrible upbringings, full of dysfunction and drama. But if you look deeply at the people whom you'd like to blame for that dysfunction, you will also see the sadness and tragedy that formed their lives and souls.

Of course, there are some people who are just evil and brought to this earth to mess up those closest and dearest to them. I lived with one. But can I be so cliche to say that she helped make me the person I am now, more soulful, more compassionate of those closest to me? I think I can. So I can say a thank you now. The difficulties have passed. I can laugh at them. I can also cry at them still. And they continue to shape my ever changing being.

Divine Light

"When you act from the highest, you will not only feel the delight of such a connection but others will be uplifted in your presence and get a hit of their own Divine light."

I am reading The Abundance Book again (third time) and while meditating on one of the passages today, an understanding about the light of the spirit came to me so deeply that I began to cry. Not out of sadness, but out of understanding. A very dear friend told me many years ago that I "shine". When I would tell him of events that I was at and that I engaged people with my constant stories and joking around, he would always tell me, "Of course they were engaged, you have this shine about you."

Recently I had a reading with an akashic soul reader and saw her again at another event. I bought her book and she signed it for me, saying "You are a great light. Enjoy the journey." Now, I do not mean to imply that I am this wonderful, delightful person (although I really hope that I can be most times!). More that I have finally realized that the light of spirit, of God within or whatever name you want to use (higher power, spirit, etc.)has always resided within each of us. We are all we need in life. Abundance, prosperity, goodness, wholeness, spirit, etc., are all within us to tap into always.

Sometimes we are the last people to know how greatly we shine, how strong our spirits are. So I cried today. I cried for the realization. I cried for the many years I have searched for something, anything, that would make me better, make the pain go away, dissuade the fears that consumed me. I cried for all the relationships that came and went, all of the struggle within those relationships because we are always looking to blame someone else. Now I know that each of us has our baggage, our own fears, wants, desires. And I also know that mine is mine and yours is yours. I do not have to impose my "issues" on you, hoping to alleviate the pain. You are not the cause and you are not the answer.

I cried because knowing what I know now, those relationships didn't have to go away. Then again, maybe they did. Because growth occurred. Growth occurred this morning when I accepted my own bright light. It took many years, but I learned the lesson from that friend, who saw a part of me that I could not. And I thanked my dear friend who no longer is a part of my life. I am very grateful. I hope my light is shining bright enough for them to see and be uplifted and find their own Divine Light.