Monday, May 17, 2010

Reworking a Life....Again

I was recently given a not so great health diagnosis and then a few days ago, my father-in-law passed away from a long arduous battle with cancer. Two big eye openers. Firstly, I looked at the diagnosis as, "hey, how do I fix it and when do we start?". I was told it was incurable and f course, I don't respond well to that kind of talk. To tell you the truth, I don't have time for a persistent problem. Let' fix it and get on with it. I looked into it, got some answers (and some more questions...) and decided to hit it head on with medical, dietary, spiritual and holistic guns. It had been festering for quite a while I am told, and finally decided to pull out all the stops to get my attention. That is usually what our bodies do. They will give you some warnings to alert you of their presence and allow you to make changes for the better. If you ignore them, they hit harder until they knock you right off your feet (s this one did). Time for a change. And then my father-in-law died. We knew it was coming so everyone prepared as best as you can. He died with his whole family (immediate and extended) surrounding him. We even got a laugh at the last moments when I said something to him and he let out a loud response (unidentifiable) as if to say "fuck you!", which was something I would have expected from him in our relationship. We always gave each other shit but there was a deep respect and love underlying every sarcastic comment. So he got the last word, he made us laugh before he took his last breaths as if to say, get over it, I am fine! What really astounded me was the depth of love that was in the house that morning. When both my parents died, it was a very lonely experience. My mom died alone and my father collapsed and by the time my brother and I got him back into bed, he was breathing his last breaths. While it was the most profound experience to have my dad look into my eyes as he passed on, it was also very lonely. In comparison, the other day was a glorious expression of love and tribute to a man who was truly loved. So I take these recent experiences and begin once again to look at where I am in life, what my expectations are and were, and re-evaluate one more time. And realize that NOTHING is static, NOTHING ever goes as you initially plan it, and it has left me with a head full of NOTHING. Which is a good place to start. Again. When I can't come up with an answer, a next step, I know it is a good place because there is a wide open canvas to work from again. I am not saying that my dreams have dissipated. My retreat center dream is still alive and cooking. But the path to get there appears to have shifted and fallen away. And I have not built another or it has not presented itself...yet. And the one thing that makes me the most uncomfortable is not knowing. Which is my lesson. To be still and let the next steps unfold themselves without my interference. I have stopped trying to force the issue. My soul will NOT allow me to throw my two cents in anymore. All it wants is quiet. Only then will it reveal itself in small pieces. My only job was to let it all go - the plan that was in my head. The dream is still very much alive. And the clues have started presenting themselves. I noticed one today. I believe it planted itself in my deep knowing self where it will be fertilized organically, not forced. It does take a dramatic life changing event to wake us stubborn, blinders on, people. As open as I am to change and whatever comes, we get caught up in life and the thoughts of future, and need a kick in the pants to reboot. I had two kicks in the pants in a month. I think the universe is trying to tell me something. I hear you world. I listened. I let go.