Guided by Herons and Angels

I was on Salt Creek yesterday for a leisurely canoe ride.  It was my idea.  One last ride before putting the canoe away for the winter.  The water was very low and the river trail had not been kept up as well as other waterways.

It was a very difficult paddle, maneuvering downed trees, large rocks jutting up from the riverbed and marsh overgrowth.  We had to portage the canoe a few times.  The mud was horrible, the water cold; some plant disagreed with my skin as I trudged through weeds to find a suitable place to get back in the canoe.

I was really angry that this final ride of the season was unpleasant.  I forced my husband out of the water as soon as an opportunity arose.  Nature was perfectly fine with me imposing myself on her, but I was not fine with the impositions she laid out for me.  Maybe it was the rough week of caring for a friend in hospice, who is gracefully making her final journey out of this life and into an unknown next.

So now I am embarrassed at my anger at something I cannot control.  Ahead of our canoe all morning was a flock of mallard ducks, peregrine falcons and two herons, as if to lead us through this difficult journey.  The pair of herons split up and one stayed behind, patiently waiting as we slowly made our way downstream, lifting off as we approached and flying ahead as if to guide us in the right direction.  It allowed us closer each time we came upon it, before it lifted its long legs and regal wings to fly it further ahead.  It looked prehistoric, we both noted, as if it had been flying for centuries, charting the path for those who followed.

How apropos that I experienced this difficult journey now.  Now, when everything in my life has stopped calling me to take notice, a lull that is quite uncomfortable and un-relenting.  This lull, this place of nothingness, has forced me to experience and understand me in ways I’ve never approached.  And this lull comes at a time when my dear friend also approaches her transition, her transformation, her de-manifesting from this life in order to manifest elsewhere, somewhere uncharted.

It is quiet now for her as she navigates this new trajectory.  Does she have guides as well?  Are there bumps and detours and perils on this new path?  I believe so as I noticed some pain the other day in her quiet face, a slight rise in her blood pressure.  I don’t believe it was physical pain.

She is journeying though her now passing life at great speed, experiencing the pains and joys of memories which she will take with her, memories that will be lost forever in the now as she finds her new place.  She will carry the residues of those memories that will color her new life and give her insight and intuition at crucial moments.  She will “know” things.  We all “know” things if we allow ourselves the quietude that gives way to these thoughts.  Like the knowing of a person you’ve never met before now or the “I’ve been here before” in a place you’ve never been.

I wonder if falcons and owls and herons guide her path now, alighting a short distance ahead, waiting for her, making sure she navigates the path safely.  The tumultuous path of innocence stolen, selfish partners, dreams lost, dreams found, ideals held tightly and hopes realized; the tree stumps and overgrown marsh blocking the way, forcing her to step around or through the muck one last time before the light lifts her out.

I feel shame for jumping out of the water too early, complaining that this is too hard, when I look into the peaceful face of a difficult and too short life of the angel I now sit beside.  Transitions are always difficult.  The long and winding road is steeped with dangerous curves, hills, rocks and detours.  But within, deep within, once you’ve stepped beyond the muck, a beauty awaits that is unimaginable and this is where dreams are fulfilled.

We are never given any experience that stops us in our tracks for more than the moments it takes us to comprehend and survive and to move our feet forward again, maybe on the same path or maybe a different one.  There are guides along the way if we keep our eyes centered and open.  There is always someone watching out along our path, be it mallards, herons or angels.

Caring for an Angel II

I read Eve Ensler to you as you drift in and out of conscious awareness, your burgeoning mind eager to sleep.  You nodded yes.  Your awareness drifts from present and then moves swiftly to a place of peace, of newness, of rebirth.

I adjust pillows; I rub your hands and feet, still perfectly manicured bright red.  Your skin is clear and bright, almost glowing, lips still pink and full.  You open your eyes as I sing Amazing Grace along to the CD playing in the corner.

I wish you could go outside to your garden.  I know that is where I would want to be.  In the garden that I created from nothing.  As you have.  This creation that will go on and on.  Life is funny like that in the garden.  Plants fruit, set seed, die and surprise us next spring as they grace us with their beauty once again.

My grandmother’s garden flourished years after she had stopped planting and moved on from her frail body.  I saw tomatoes bursting forth through years of weeds, along with petunias and her favorite snapdragons of my childhood, reseeding each year as if she secretly came in the night while I was sleeping and snuck her favorite flowers into the empty spaces of her once prized garden.

Grandma, I see you stooped over in your housedress, your largess that I always loved to snuggle up to in the summer cottage’s feather beds of my youth.  They now make cardboard cutouts of that same pose and sell them in garden centers.  Your wide, bent over fanny displaying the garden’s name, Carol’s Garden or the Garden of Eden.

Memories are held tightly in the garden, of grandma teaching me how to plant and water, and the picture of my small son squatting between tomato plants, almost hidden, snacking on a ripe fruit he snatched off the plant, juice dripping down his chin.

I know you have these memories, too, my friend and I wish you could spend your last hours in the sun drenched fall garden.  To breathe in the scent of autumn, the leaves browning, the last tomato being harvested off of yellowing plants.  This is my own selfish wish for you.

I hope you feel my presence as you drift.  I rub your feet, place socks on them as they are now chilled.  It’s all I can do and I hope it is enough.  The gift of presence of spirit communing with another spirit.

I am grateful for these last hours.  The details of the hours jump out, normally hidden from our unnoticing healthy world, which we overlook.  The quiet knowing of the dogs, usually hyped up, barking, jumping on everyone, now laying nearby, protecting you as you make your way through this passageway only you can maneuver.  But they guard that invisible pathway.  They know.

A blue, clay cross lays beneath your right hand.  And you dream, asleep like a newborn.  Growth is happening during this slumber and I must believe that your sleep is the food needed as you travel to your next destination, manifesting out of this world into the next.  This requires great energy and so you need rest, my dear angel.  Even angels need rest.  You have much to do very soon.  Everything not possible in this life is all the more possible in the next.  And so I watch you, taking in the unknown energies and wisdom of these hours, which will guide my next moves.  And I am grateful, feeling a sweet peace washing over me, full of love and full of hope.

Caring for an Angel

"There is emptiness, nothingness, and there is something watching this nothingness.  Now who is it that is watching?  Who is the seer?  Find out who the seer is." ~Papaji

In the smallest hours of this morning, I awake to the anticipation of the caring of an angel in the making.  In just a few hours, I will take my watch and preside over her care.  She is stepping across that liminal border, no longer inhabiting this world as a bright spirit, but as only the worn, well-travelled tiny dancer of your former manifestation.  I cannot see your new light as I wonder the form you are now taking within this liminal stage.  What part of you is still here?  Will you still hear my voice speaking softly at your side?

Who lies before me now?  I will be watching your transformation into an angel, the metamorphose of pupa to butterfly, stretching  new translucent wings, perched and ready to take flight.  I cannot help but think, The Artist Formerly Know As!  This transformation is all happening under my careful watch today.  As I say my final farewells today and tomorrow, I can only imagine the energy expanding around your broken body as it readies itself for its new expression of you.

These are magical moments I am witness to and I am trying to wrap my mind around both the pain of loss and the exhilaration of what lies beyond it.  I want to understand this brief juncture, as I watch you, mindful that utmost care is taken in this space you still reside for this tiny moment in time, your rebirth into something I can only imagine.  I will watch at the threshold, where the boundaries are dissolving, in this betwixt and between space, the realm of pure possibility.

And I will be forever changed, grateful of this blessing bestowed, your gift to me as you spread your new wings and soar.

Planting an Angel in my Garden

I am going into the garden today because it is the only place that seems right.  A dear friend is peacefully making her way out of this world as I write this.  And the garden is where I will be.  She will be there.  I know I will find her out there with me.

She was a gardener herself.  She loved the feel of the soil in her hands and the beauty that resulted from her handiwork.  We understood that together.  We both spent time in each other's gardens, sharing stories, remarking on the beauty, the similarities and the differences.

I was lucky to have seen her just last week.  We cried and held each other as we said our goodbyes.  she said she would miss me and thanked me for our time together.  I told her she had given me a gift that I will treasure forever; that of walking with her through this cancer journey she endured with courage, dignity and grace.  I told her she had left a piece of herself in me and I would always have her there in me.

As the Buddha taught, there is no birth, there is no death; there is no coming, there is no going; there is no same, there is no different; there is no permanent self, there is no annihilation. We only think there is. When we understand that we cannot be destroyed, we are liberated from fear. It is a great relief. We are all part of everything and everyone before us and will be part of all that is after us.  We are not gone, we have transformed and continue elsewhere.

But we are always here.  And so I go to the garden today.

I showed her last week how to grow new plants from cuttings of the "mother" plant.  It was something she had wanted to learn and it seemed appropriate at this time.  It was my gift to her, to bring new life to her as one was moving on.

I will plant in my garden today, the new perennials I purchased yesterday and as I plant them I will offer a prayer in honor of this small but mighty woman.  I know I will find her out there with me and that gives me comfort.  I will speak to her in that space and tell her again I love her and will see her again one day.

And next spring, when the flowers bloom and life once again shows itself in the beauty of the leaves and petals, the colors and scents in all their glory, I will say, "hello dear friend, welcome back, I remember you, I will always remember you".

You are me.  I am you.  We are one.  That is love, and it is enough.

A Gift from an Angel

This past week was an exhausting one filled with musical performances and the preparations for such. I know - what is so stressful about that?  Well, nothing, considering one was helping prep my son’s CD release party, which was joyous and forward-looking to the future.  The other delved into the past and an unknown future.  It was more of a soulful stress.  Let me explain.

My friend is now walking the path of her final transition from this life and is at peace about beginning the next, wherever that may be.  She has been a dancer and actress all her life and things such as wakes and funerals are not her forte, not her idea of a grand departure.

So we gave her a going away party, a celebration of her life (a living wake is what she called it) that knocked the socks off most celebrations. It was a night of her favorite music performed by her friends at a nightclub, which was the location of what became her last performance, a soulful essay of her living with the cancer that was now taking her life. I was charged with singing Paul McCartney’s,  “Maybe I’m Amazed” as a tribute from her husband to her.  I wanted it to be perfect, a softer and heartfelt rendition unlike the harder original rock ballad.  Luckily my son is a musical genius and understood my “do it a bit jazzier, slower, with more soulful chords and feel, I want it different, special”.

The club was packed with friends and family, all not quite sure how to react to this odd event, but wanting to see her, probably for the last time and send her off in a bubble of love.  You could feel the energy in the room, which was pure love.  All egos, all anger, resentment, sadness were checked at the door.  She was radiant; the pain erased from her face, her energy up as if someone shot her up with adrenaline.  She danced in her chair as the music moved her off this final path for just a few hours and set her on a picnic blanket, basking in the glow of the evening.

I had never been so nervous to sing this one song to her.  A bit odd, considering I have spent a good part of my life on stages.  I find comfort and excitement and bliss when performing on a stage.  But this was different.  I had never sung to an angel.  Being with someone as they begin their transition out of this present time is a gift.  I have watched as she moves out of her broken body into an ethereal being, an angel.

But there was so much love in the room that night, it transported me and held me, and melodic tones emanated from my heart and filled my body with so much love that it felt like warm honey was flowing out of my mouth.  In my dear friend’s own words, “magical.”

What an amazing celebration of life.  She said the next day it was the most incredible night of her entire life.  In her words, “I couldn’t have scripted my leaving better or with more love.  I’ll have a heavy travel bag filled with love I’m bringing to heaven.  I hope they let me carry it on the “light” train.  I don’t want to part with it.”

Which made me take a look at my own life.  Selfishly, would I be able to fill a room with people who love me so much that they want to celebrate my life along side me in this way?  Have I been good, kind, generous, giving, loving and loyal?  I have been asking my friends these same questions.  It really makes you think about what really is important.  What will people remember you for?  What are the gifts you give?  Are they only things bought and paid for, or are they gifts from your heart? Maya Angelou once said,

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I have decided that I, too, want a celebration of life that I can attend before I transition into my next incarnation.  Of course, I am hoping it is many, many years in the making.  In the meantime, I will look to my friend, my angel, for wisdom, food for my heart, and love as if this was the last day of my life, everyday, every hour.  I hope you do too.

Today is a Good Day

“Today is a good day,” you once said, because the nausea had subsided and the trips to the bathroom had decreased to a single digit.  Today is a good day, for me, as I get to see you, sitting in bed, smaller than the last time but certainly not diminished.

You sit there, head covered by a bright purple cap you chose from the hospital’s cap bin, eating tiny bits of meat loaf and mashed potatoes, careful not to block your compromised airway; and you are glowing.

I wanted to tell you that purple is the color of royalty, expanded awareness and high spiritual attainment.  It is the color of the highest chakra, which connects us to the universe, to enlightenment.  It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. This is how you looked today.  But I didn’t tell you.

Only a few days earlier you struggled for the precious air that escapes you now.  But today you are glowing.  I sit next to you as you listen to the plans being made to take you home for the last time.

I am honored to have been at your side for very difficult news from your team, and I am again honored to sit with you and add my meager voice to your most precious hospice plans.  I find myself annoyed by what feels like tiny flies nipping at my arms as I try to listen, and I swat at them, trying to brush them away only to find that there are no flies or any insects for that matter in this intensive care room.  Of course there aren’t!  And no one else seems bothered by these pests either.

And then it becomes apparent to me.  Angels.  They are announcing themselves.  Of course.  They are gathering.  A few of them colored you in peace today and cleared your throat so you could feed your failing body and speak the many words you still have to say.

Today is a good day.  I am meeting your angels.  They have let me know that they know that I know.

Do you hear them too, my brave friend?  You must.  Your fear is gone, you tell me; and the pain has left your face.  You want to play cards, not talk of death.  You want to cram in as many stories from friends as your ears will allow.  You told me once that you knew that God is taking care of you.  Can you hear him now between the angels’ banter and laughing?

I want to hear you.  I want to hear the truths that are coming to you now.   I know you are tired but this student is eager to hear the wisdom that this journey has taught you.

I’ve been seeing dragonflies everywhere lately: symbols of transformation and life's ever-constant process of change, of leaving the old body to become a new, lighter creature inhabiting a different realm.  To some they are fairies. To others, they are the souls of those who have gone before us. Angels!

The lessons you’ve learned, the gifts of yourself you so wanted to share with those you love have come in the form of angelic beings. No gift has ever been lovelier.

Today is a good day filled with dragonflies, fairies and other celestial wonders.   As you have said, we will play again in the world beyond.  I believe that.  Until that time, I will revel in the beauty and magic of butterflies and dragonflies and think of you, sweet angel.

Closing the Door with a Soft Hush

An "event" from three years ago re-presented itself in my psyche the other day.  After three years waiting for review at the state police level, they found the guy that robbed me in my store.  They had fingerprints, an ID from me; but it takes the state that long to process fingerprints.  If I was murdered, it might have come in faster! Cancel, cancel, cancel! (this is what you are supposed to say when you have a negative thought - so it doesn't settle in and manifest itself)

No, I am no longer angry or even anxious about the event.  It is over and I processed it and moved on.  But - it DID bring it all back to the forefront.  After three years, I didn't know if I would remember his face when presented a photo of him.  But I did pick him out and as soon as they find him and arrest him, there will be a physical line up where I will have to identify him again.  I am wondering if his actual presence in front of me will trigger old feelings or if I truly am over this.

On a side note, I asked where he was and they said it is kind of tricky to extradite him from Indiana where he is believed to be so they were going to go to a court hearing for him and question him about my robbery.  Mind you, the guy has a record a mile long, is a convicted sex offender as well as other niceties.  I said, what guy is going to remember one robbery out of one hundred?  They said you'd be surprised.  It's kind of like their trophies.  They remember each time they were successful at being a dickhead.

So I went through the whole event again over and over in my brain.  I got angry at myself again for letting him take my wedding band.  Actually for letting him get away with the whole deal here in the store.  Just me I guess, with wild thoughts like that. 

The real point, though, is that the event itself was a turning point in my life.  I saw my angel therapist practitioner who said it was a life wake up call.  And when I look back, it was.  Sometimes you need to get really shaken up to make changes in your life.

I didn't make any real changes.  What I did was realize where I stood in my own life, what my purpose was, who mattered to me and who didn't, who cared about me and who didn't.  It created a huge shift in my perspective at that time.  And that shift brought new people into my life and some old ones were left behind.

The shift was also in consciousness.  A wake up call to my soul. Where was I going?  What did I want to do when I grew up?  I did grow up.  Spiritually and mentally.  And I find myself there again.

No, I didn't get a wake up call like that of three years ago (fortunately!).  It came as a door closing to my past and ideas that were sifting in my brain settled on a decision.  Just like that!  Well, when the decision comes, it comes in an instant, just like that.  Poof.  You were in one state of mind, and now you are in a total other state of mind.  Well, it isn't poof.  You've been hemming and hawing over ideas, thoughts, things for a while and finally your brain makes a decision.  Or should I say your soul makes a decision.  The thoughts/ideas came into your brain randomly at this time or another and they float around for a long while and then, POOF, a decision is made.  It's about time!!!!

The floating around isn't easy and billowy and soft like a breeze through a window softly blowing curtains around.  It is the anxiety ridden monkey mind that I spoke of in a previous blog that is making you CRAZY!  That's not to say that my monkeys have left my head (The monkeys have left the building!  had to say that...).  They still occupy a portion of my mind.  I have just been able to cage and tame a few of them.

I have to say, again, that it amazes me each time it happens.  That is, when you make movement in some way towards change, doors open, people show up, things happen.  Ideas that were floating around made their way to the top of the list and now they are starting to be acted upon.  It is absolutely amazing to me.

A very dear friend told me yesterday that I should be just as excited and hopeful about the door being closed as I am about the next door opening.  That I should put as much joy, excitement  and hopefulness into closing that chapter of my life as I am in exploring the next. Closing one door is NOT failure.  I have gained so much, met some wonderful people.   When you make a decision, you want to move forward NOW.  At least that is how I am.  Let's do this thing RIGHT NOW.  What I need to do is bless and love and give thanks to what I have accomplished and am letting go of.

So I am so very thankful that this turning point in my life was not precedented by a traumatic event. (thank you thank you thank you!!!)  It is about our becoming the next version of ourselves and addressing the challenges it brings.  As my dear friend Peggy said, "What do you have to leave behind when moving on?  What works and what doesn't?  How do I attract what's next and when it presents itself, how will I act on it?

Okay, I am ready!  I also plan on putting my monkeys to work.  Instead of their own ideas, they are charged with acting on MY next version of my life.  After all, I am the boss of me (as my children used to say to me!).  So let's make our move!

Meditation Prayer

I was meditating this morning as I try to do each and every morning before work, and found it turned into prayer instead of quiet meditation. Monkey mind is always with me during these sessions, even more so these days. Lately it is really hard to quiet and calm my mind. Chanting helps. Mind you I always move from meditation to another position where I Do pray and ask for guidance and healing.

But this morning nothing was working and I found myself praying only. I pray to all powers - Gods, Goddesses, Angels, you name it. Broaden the base so to speak for more coverage? So I didn't fight it and I prayed. I prayed for a quiet mind (!); I prayed for my business: I prayed for my husband to find peace these days in his hectic and overwhelming job; I prayed for my older son, the musician (quite talented), to find his success and happiness; and I prayed for my own peace of mind.

This liminal phase I am in is quite frustrating. I feel all mushy and not quite cooked for the next phase. And I never give myself time for these transitions. Like Veruka Salt, "I want it NOW!"

I also need a vacation desperately and luckily and finally am soon to get it! Yeah!

According to the website Meditation Truth,
            in some traditions the words prayer and meditation are
            used interchangeably.There are Buddhist and Catholic
            and Hindu and Jewish meditation practices that involve
            repeating or focusing on or contemplating some religious
            passage or idea.

According to Brother Aleksei (www.brother-aleksei.org),
            when you choose to combine prayer and meditation, that
            is to take a specific request into the space of your
            communion with God, always begin with
            acknowledging and affirming the Presence.
(Okay, so my presence includes EVERYONE – angels, goddesses, etc.)
          Then make a conscious interior movement in your heart to
           surrender your will and meditate on your request. Meditate
          from a feeling as if your request has been already granted
           while immersing your heart in a deep emotion of gratitude and
           love. Your request will immediately begin to take form. It may
          take some time before you can see the result, but have faith
          that it is gestating, just like a seed you plant into a fertile soil.
          Cultivate it, protect it from any doubts and fears.
(I have done this. I HAVE planted seeds. Good to know I am on the right path! I like this next one…)
           Do not dig up the seed to check if it has sprouted yet.

If I continue to meditate and believe in the prayer (seed), the seed will sprout, maybe not in the way you originally though because, remember, it has a life of its own now.

So, I guess I am okay with this morning’s prayer meditation. I was always told to quiet the mind when meditating, clear the mind of thoughts, ideas, let them go when they pop in (monkey mind!). But it is also okay for the meditation to be something else. Who am I to fight it? Let it be what it wants to be. Let go of all expectations and “it” will happen.

The Liminal Stage Continues

At the beginning of the year I felt a surge coming of energy and was feeling like I was going to have to hold on to my seat this year as it zoomed forward unabated. At first, there was a period (short as it was) of rest. I was so tired from a crazy year prior that I thought a rest was well deserved, at least in the confines of my own home considering I knew I was unable to "get away".

I asked my son who had moved out a year prior, if I could "redo" his room and make it into my own meditation/reading/writing room. He had been out of college for a couple of years and his room was still the way he left it and it needed a makeover. The makeover was easy. I didn't want to disturb the soul and essence that still existed in the room. This is the room of a gifted artist. A piece of his creative genius exists here. This has become my favorite room in a matter of months. It feels as if I have re-energized what was already in there and infused it with my own. The whole family feels it. The energy seems to have grown.

So I have done a lot of meditating in that room since then. My rest was taken there. I was thinking about all of the ideas I have had in the past year and recently looked at a sort of "to do" list I created prior to the new year. But those ideas that wanted to be nurtured into creation this year have taken a back seat. Not to anything in particular. But the urgency to move in that direction has ceased. Oh, the ideas are still there. I know they never go away.

They have been birthed and I know from experience that they are always being tended to, nurtured, watered, fed and are growing. If I let them be, they will always have the essence of the original idea, only with their own twist. It is fun to see how they transform from the original idea. I've learned not to hold on so tightly to an idea that I stifle it.

I recently came off of a very busy month at the store (thank you universe for looking down on me!) and immediately went on a buying trip in New York. I have not had real time off in two months. Actually, since probably mid January. And I am plumb tuckered out. I wonder if the exhaustion is at the core of those ideas being put on shelves for a while. My angel therapy practitioner told me yesterday that now was a time of holding, not pushing, letting things happen. In order to get an idea in action, you need to create a little heat, a little movement. to kind of get the ball rolling. And then that heat stirs things up and you basically sit back and watch.

Oh, I've created a bit of friction lately, so the fire has been started. And now I'm in a kind of holding pattern, the liminal stage, still. A time of transition when we stand “betwixt and between” one state and another. Kind of like on a fence, although you aren't trying to make the decision as to which way to step. It kind of does it for you. Awkward, yes. The state of neutrality/ ambiguity until we reach full consciousness of the next place, the next stage, whatever you wish to call it. But I am okay with it. Probably because I am so exhausted, I can't fight it or push it where I'd like anyway.

So I think I'll go back into my room. I think it's calling me anyway. I'll release into that betwixt and between state (like I have a choice anyway....) and just flow with it. Not my usual mode of operation, but I think I can get used to it, letting go. And watch what happens....

Angels in our Midst....again.

I was reading another blog post today.  it was written by the woman who works for me.  So much has happened since I hired her.  And so much has happened to her since that time as well. It got me thinking about how angels are right in front of you all the time, all you have to do is pay attention.

Christina was one of those angels.  She dropped into my life out of the blue.  Well, seems she knew me before I really knew her.  She had shopped at the store prior to me really noticing her. (It is hard to remember everyone that comes into the store unless you make such a hullabaloo that it is impossible NOT to remember.)

When she contacted me about a job, I had no need for help but there was something in her demeanor that told me to not let this pass by without some more investigation.  So I took a chance.  And that chance turned out to be a huge blessing to me and the store.  It seems that when the two of us are together, the energy or vibe or something blows up big and amazing things happen.

We created a huge project together on breast cancer awareness, sales increased at the store, as did the customer base.  I wasn't sure when we met, but my gut told me to take a leap of faith.  she was, IS an angel in my life.  She has no idea what she has done for me personally as well as what she does at the store.  I don't know if she ever will understand it totally.

We banter back and forth about many things, laugh hysterically and talk about our very similar lives.  It feels like she is a younger version of me.  And now she is a staff writer for a local newspaper and fashion blogger.  She loves to write and is excellent at it.  Of course, in her growth spurt of this year, she told me she couldn't work for me like she had in the past.  It broke my heart but I know it is the right thing for her and I will be okay at the store.  I trust that our lives will be connected in one way or another and I thank her for coming into my life.

Prior to Christina, there was another "angel" who popped in at the worst personal time for me.  He helped me out of the funk and into the world of online newsletters, which has become a huge part of my information railway at the store and beyond.  I have added many options to the newsletter that are above and beyond a traditional retail store newsletter.

And just a few days ago, a new angel came into the store.  She was a new customer and there wasn't anything outstanding about our encounter until I handed her the bag of just purchased goodies.  I was wearing a silver charm bracelet and one of the charms is an angel.  That charm's outstretched arm hooked onto the handle of the bag as I was handing it to the customer.  We laughed when we looked down and she gasped as she told me she believes in angels and knows they surround her all the time.  She said she can tap into their goodness, power, wisdom at any time.

We laughed at this mishap and chatted a while about angels in our midst, knowing that they indeed are with us always.  I know I will see her again and I look forward to our next conversation with all four of us!

Divine Fate? Angels in my Midst?

So a short time ago, I wanted to attend Omega Institutes Women's Conference at the end of September. And when I went to sign up, it was full and reservations were closed. And there was a contest to win tickets to the conference.

I entered the conference, posted my entry.....and didn't win. I figured if I was meant to go, I would win the contest. So the contest deadline came and went and no word. So I wasn't meant to go. Ok, I get that. I am okay with that. I guess. There is always next year.

A few weeks back I just decided to look at the website again and just tease and torture myself (because that is just what I like to do.....), check out who was speaking and so on. I also decided to see if I could register (torturing myself further) because we all need to get shot down twice, right?

To my extreme surprise, the site let me register. I couldn't believe it! I didn't believe it! Why would I? These things don't happen to me!

Or do they?

So I decided it was a mistake, a glitch in their site software. And I didn't buy an airline ticket. I said if they confirm my registration, only then will I buy a ticket. A few days passed, nothing. Then on the fourth day of waiting, it was confirmed! And I bought my airfare.

So I am going! I guess I WAS meant to go to this! Wow, can't wait. A powerful weekend awaits me. What else can I expect that I wouldn't normally expect? Are there angels in my midst? There have been before. I will call them in again. (I really DID pray to every power I know for help!) And wait in wonder for the magic to happen.

Manifest Your Dreams

"All we are is a result of what we have thought." Buddha

I found some notes today in my take to work bag. Don't know when or where they come from. Wow, I really need to get all these notes into one place. I read a lot and take notes on what I read; things that really touched me or that I want to remember. A good deal of them make more sense later on when you come back to them and reread. I think it is because at the time of writing them, they are thoughts in the air and in writing them down, they become wishes, seeds, dreams of things to come. And thus manifesting occurs.

Plant a seed, water it, and it grows. I know that. I am a horticulturist. I've been planting seeds for over 20 years. These seeds/dream/wishes are different though. They don't always grow to into what you initially planted. Which is the exciting part!

My take on manifesting: Thoughts become things. That is manifestation. And it is the affirmation of your current thoughts. Negative thoughts beget negative manifesting. The law of attraction is always working whether you know it consciously or not. If you have a prolonged chronic way of thinking you manifest those thoughts in being. And then you wonder why your life stays the same. You attract predominant thoughts that are in your focus whether they are conscious or unconscious.

Your life is a physical manifestation of the thoughts in your head. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative thought. Whatever you are thinking and feeling today is creating your future. Your thoughts and feelings create your life. When you think of it in this way, your future depends upon positive thoughts! We can change our path through a shift in our awareness.

1. ASK! The universe responds to your thoughts and wishes.

2. BELIEVE! If you believe that it is yours already, and show unwavering faith, you will attract the way for that wish to get to you; the path will appear! It's really as easy as that. Think about it.....

For example, early last year I knew I wanted to move into a more spiritual direction with my store. I wanted to offer workshops on goddesses, spirit and the like. But I knew no one who could provide these types of programs. I didn't know where to begin. And then an angel appeared right in my store. I spoke of her in an earlier blog. I was having the worst day and she read me like a book. I NEVER show anything but joy and pleasantries to my customers but she knew there was something wrong. This lovely woman sat me down for over an hour after we had no luck in finding an item that fit her. And we talked about life. She said I needed to see this local akashic soul records reader, Linda. My mood suddenly was lightened after she left. I know now that she was truly an angel. I pay more attention now to angels in my midst! They are there all the time, in body and in soul.

So I went to see this woman and after our visit, people started entering my life in response to my desire for said workshops above. And since then, this desire has been building and manifesting into other ideas and themes. My initial desire has transformed into something much larger. It is all very exciting to watch all this unfold.

3. Doubt - If you doubt, this will lead to disappointment as what you desire will not come to you. Replace doubt with unwavering faith!

4. Receive - FEEL the way you will feel once what you desire arrives. Put yourself into the frequency of what you're wanting. What would you feel like if you had it right now. Feel that.

5. Act - When intuitive feeling is present, ACT ON IT! List what you are grateful for. Gratitude is a way to bring more of what you're grateful for about. Visualizing what you want will help to materialize it. Dwell only upon the end results. FEEL the end result. The universe will figure out how it will manifest. All YOU have to do is feel it as already here. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it; you must act on it. WE have to remember our body is the product of our thoughts. What we resist, persists. Energy flows where attention goes. Cute, kitchy phrases, but oh, so true.

Here are a few more to ponder. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. No one else can dance your dance, sing your song, write your story....only you can. Now get manifesting!!

Angels in Our Midsts...again

A friend of mine (I'll call her N) is training to become a life coach and she needed some hours of peer counseling for her certification. She uses the approach of manifesting as the way we bring things into our lives. Since I am so intrigued with all and everything spiritual, I agreed and have talked to her several times. Last night we spoke again. The first session was in May. I had already been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and was in the throws of the pain and depression that results from that kind of diagnosis. I DON'T DO CHRONIC ILLNESS. I was unhappy with where things were heading. It was a tough year last year through the never ceasing recession and its effects on people and their buying habits. Business was suffering and I just didn't want to do it anymore. I needed to be juiced again. My hubby is so practical and said "If you don't pay attention to your business, it will fall apart." Or, "If you spend all your time thinking and owrking on your "next incarnation", you aren't focusing on the business and it will fall apart." Oh contrare Mon Amie! When you pay attention to your goals and dreams, they will manifest and everything else you are currently "in" will tag along in happy pursuit of your dreams! Pay attention! There are signs. You can miss them if you're sloppy and not paying attention. Last week I dreamt of my father in law who passed on a month earlier. I wrote of it in an earlier post. He told me to believe. He said, "If you believe then I am here." The more global meaning I got from the dream was if you believe that you manifest your life, then there are no surprises, no chance or random occurrences. Oh, they may seem random because most of us ARE sleeping through our lives. I held onto the "why is this happening to me?' scenario for years. I singlehandedly brought my vibrational energy down so low that I attracted all the bottom dwellers and dark personalities right to me. They all seemed to cry, "help me, I can't help myself and really don't want to. It is safer to hide in the dark." Or something like that. But is in the darkness that we find ourselves, what we are made of, what we can really handle. And if we use that darkness to our advantage, such bright light comes from it. They call it the dark night of the soul. I know I have angels that watch over me. And I also know that I am my own angel at times. I know that I DO manifest everything about me, all that happens, good or bad. I was in a waking mode the other morning when I heard footsteps on the first floor. I knew I was home alone but I was comforted because I knew they were the footsteps of my son. I know his pacing by heart. It was comforting to know that he was there if only in dream. He IS one of my angels. At the end of my conversation with N, she asked something like, what will you do to make the necessary changes? And I answered, I must believe that all that is before me is real and true and meant to be because I created it. I thought later, that was the message that my father in law had for me in my dream. I spoke the words that he spoke to me. Listen, they are out there. Your angels. Listen....

Wisdom of the Eternal Consciousness

A customer came in today and as we worked together, she told me of her and her husband's quest to trace their genealogy. In that discussion she talked about her grandmother and the need to get all the information down before she passed to the next world. She also told me of her father's passing a few months back and how the timing of his death coincided with putting all of his "ducks in a row". Everything he wanted to take care of was taken care of within hours of his sudden passing. Somehow he "knew". And his family was lucky to be there to witness his passing by singing to him as he crossed over.

It reminded me of my father in law's passing a month ago and how the whole family was there to witness his death. However, there were quite a few that could not be present in the room but chose to stay in another room. They were afraid of death, of this unknown. But Wally had his way and in his last moments was able to create laughter in the room instead of deep sorrow as he mumbled something from his deep unconsciousness that sounded like "F---You". It made us laugh as we knew this is what he always said in times of trouble and uneasiness. His heart had already stopped beating but his bodily functions were still playing themselves out. He "knew" and he spoke from beyond, or what this lady today spoke of as eternal consciousness.

There is more that is out there than what we can see with the naked eye. Our loved ones are still with us beyond their passing as long as we believe. The other night, Wally came to me in my dream. He was sitting with family. Either my niece or my son was sitting on his lap (they were younger than they are now). He and I were talking like we always did until I realized that this could not be happening because he was dead. I said "this isn't real-you aren't here anymore. How can I be talking to you." He responded with "If you believe, then I am here talking to you. If not, then I am not here". And with that he started to fade away. I didn't want him to go so I said, "I believe!" And he came back.

His words were not just telling me to believe in his presence. His words were much broader in context. He was saying if I believe, then anything is possible. Even if it isn't within our sights, our grasp, but just an idea or thought, as long as you believe in it, then it exists and it is available. Each time I tell this dream, I well up with deep emotion. Not just for Wally, but in the larger concept that he was trying to get me to understand. I've always known this but needed a loved one to tell me from beyond the grave. Obviously, I would not accept this and needed the dream state to deliver the message to me through a kind, loving man.

I do believe. I believe there is a collective unconscious that we can tap into at any time for help, information, support. I also now believe that there is also an eternal consciousness that is much larger as it is sustained by everyone who has gone before us. And it is there to tap into at any time. It is unconditional love, it is kindness, it is wisdom. Yes, I Believe.

Reworking a Life....Again

I was recently given a not so great health diagnosis and then a few days ago, my father-in-law passed away from a long arduous battle with cancer. Two big eye openers. Firstly, I looked at the diagnosis as, "hey, how do I fix it and when do we start?". I was told it was incurable and f course, I don't respond well to that kind of talk. To tell you the truth, I don't have time for a persistent problem. Let' fix it and get on with it. I looked into it, got some answers (and some more questions...) and decided to hit it head on with medical, dietary, spiritual and holistic guns. It had been festering for quite a while I am told, and finally decided to pull out all the stops to get my attention. That is usually what our bodies do. They will give you some warnings to alert you of their presence and allow you to make changes for the better. If you ignore them, they hit harder until they knock you right off your feet (s this one did). Time for a change. And then my father-in-law died. We knew it was coming so everyone prepared as best as you can. He died with his whole family (immediate and extended) surrounding him. We even got a laugh at the last moments when I said something to him and he let out a loud response (unidentifiable) as if to say "fuck you!", which was something I would have expected from him in our relationship. We always gave each other shit but there was a deep respect and love underlying every sarcastic comment. So he got the last word, he made us laugh before he took his last breaths as if to say, get over it, I am fine! What really astounded me was the depth of love that was in the house that morning. When both my parents died, it was a very lonely experience. My mom died alone and my father collapsed and by the time my brother and I got him back into bed, he was breathing his last breaths. While it was the most profound experience to have my dad look into my eyes as he passed on, it was also very lonely. In comparison, the other day was a glorious expression of love and tribute to a man who was truly loved. So I take these recent experiences and begin once again to look at where I am in life, what my expectations are and were, and re-evaluate one more time. And realize that NOTHING is static, NOTHING ever goes as you initially plan it, and it has left me with a head full of NOTHING. Which is a good place to start. Again. When I can't come up with an answer, a next step, I know it is a good place because there is a wide open canvas to work from again. I am not saying that my dreams have dissipated. My retreat center dream is still alive and cooking. But the path to get there appears to have shifted and fallen away. And I have not built another or it has not presented itself...yet. And the one thing that makes me the most uncomfortable is not knowing. Which is my lesson. To be still and let the next steps unfold themselves without my interference. I have stopped trying to force the issue. My soul will NOT allow me to throw my two cents in anymore. All it wants is quiet. Only then will it reveal itself in small pieces. My only job was to let it all go - the plan that was in my head. The dream is still very much alive. And the clues have started presenting themselves. I noticed one today. I believe it planted itself in my deep knowing self where it will be fertilized organically, not forced. It does take a dramatic life changing event to wake us stubborn, blinders on, people. As open as I am to change and whatever comes, we get caught up in life and the thoughts of future, and need a kick in the pants to reboot. I had two kicks in the pants in a month. I think the universe is trying to tell me something. I hear you world. I listened. I let go.