Closing the Door with a Soft Hush

An "event" from three years ago re-presented itself in my psyche the other day.  After three years waiting for review at the state police level, they found the guy that robbed me in my store.  They had fingerprints, an ID from me; but it takes the state that long to process fingerprints.  If I was murdered, it might have come in faster! Cancel, cancel, cancel! (this is what you are supposed to say when you have a negative thought - so it doesn't settle in and manifest itself)

No, I am no longer angry or even anxious about the event.  It is over and I processed it and moved on.  But - it DID bring it all back to the forefront.  After three years, I didn't know if I would remember his face when presented a photo of him.  But I did pick him out and as soon as they find him and arrest him, there will be a physical line up where I will have to identify him again.  I am wondering if his actual presence in front of me will trigger old feelings or if I truly am over this.

On a side note, I asked where he was and they said it is kind of tricky to extradite him from Indiana where he is believed to be so they were going to go to a court hearing for him and question him about my robbery.  Mind you, the guy has a record a mile long, is a convicted sex offender as well as other niceties.  I said, what guy is going to remember one robbery out of one hundred?  They said you'd be surprised.  It's kind of like their trophies.  They remember each time they were successful at being a dickhead.

So I went through the whole event again over and over in my brain.  I got angry at myself again for letting him take my wedding band.  Actually for letting him get away with the whole deal here in the store.  Just me I guess, with wild thoughts like that. 

The real point, though, is that the event itself was a turning point in my life.  I saw my angel therapist practitioner who said it was a life wake up call.  And when I look back, it was.  Sometimes you need to get really shaken up to make changes in your life.

I didn't make any real changes.  What I did was realize where I stood in my own life, what my purpose was, who mattered to me and who didn't, who cared about me and who didn't.  It created a huge shift in my perspective at that time.  And that shift brought new people into my life and some old ones were left behind.

The shift was also in consciousness.  A wake up call to my soul. Where was I going?  What did I want to do when I grew up?  I did grow up.  Spiritually and mentally.  And I find myself there again.

No, I didn't get a wake up call like that of three years ago (fortunately!).  It came as a door closing to my past and ideas that were sifting in my brain settled on a decision.  Just like that!  Well, when the decision comes, it comes in an instant, just like that.  Poof.  You were in one state of mind, and now you are in a total other state of mind.  Well, it isn't poof.  You've been hemming and hawing over ideas, thoughts, things for a while and finally your brain makes a decision.  Or should I say your soul makes a decision.  The thoughts/ideas came into your brain randomly at this time or another and they float around for a long while and then, POOF, a decision is made.  It's about time!!!!

The floating around isn't easy and billowy and soft like a breeze through a window softly blowing curtains around.  It is the anxiety ridden monkey mind that I spoke of in a previous blog that is making you CRAZY!  That's not to say that my monkeys have left my head (The monkeys have left the building!  had to say that...).  They still occupy a portion of my mind.  I have just been able to cage and tame a few of them.

I have to say, again, that it amazes me each time it happens.  That is, when you make movement in some way towards change, doors open, people show up, things happen.  Ideas that were floating around made their way to the top of the list and now they are starting to be acted upon.  It is absolutely amazing to me.

A very dear friend told me yesterday that I should be just as excited and hopeful about the door being closed as I am about the next door opening.  That I should put as much joy, excitement  and hopefulness into closing that chapter of my life as I am in exploring the next. Closing one door is NOT failure.  I have gained so much, met some wonderful people.   When you make a decision, you want to move forward NOW.  At least that is how I am.  Let's do this thing RIGHT NOW.  What I need to do is bless and love and give thanks to what I have accomplished and am letting go of.

So I am so very thankful that this turning point in my life was not precedented by a traumatic event. (thank you thank you thank you!!!)  It is about our becoming the next version of ourselves and addressing the challenges it brings.  As my dear friend Peggy said, "What do you have to leave behind when moving on?  What works and what doesn't?  How do I attract what's next and when it presents itself, how will I act on it?

Okay, I am ready!  I also plan on putting my monkeys to work.  Instead of their own ideas, they are charged with acting on MY next version of my life.  After all, I am the boss of me (as my children used to say to me!).  So let's make our move!

Words from the Heart

I am working with 3 other writers on a performance piece and we just performed it last night for the first time to a "safe" group of friends for their input and critiques. Two of us have been performing all our lives in bands, in theatre, and the other two have never performed before so we thought it necessary to "practice" it before setting it free to the world.

What came out of that evening was very thought provoking. One of the topics we are writing on is Mothers. It is the strongest and most profound group of the 5 topics we have chosen. It also elicited the most profound comments.

I came from what I am now calling, The Freddy Kruger Family. I don't think I need to explain it further than that. My mother piece reflected my story of years ago when I was kidnapped at knife point. My family did NOT come to my side with compassion or assistance to get me through the aftermath of that experience.

So, after years of telling my story, I am fully healed from it and can tell it with humor and peace. I think it took all those years of telling it to heal from it. I was unaware of it at the time, but telling your story is a very healing process. I have written the story from a very healed person's perspective, complete with sarcasm and humor. Unfortunately, when I read it to this audience, I received not so good reviews.

Why!?!? It is the best story I have ever written!!! What it did was horrify the audience who then told me that they wanted to badly to feel bad for me but couldn't be cause I was so angry about it!. I was not and am no longer angry at ALL! And it is very hard to accept any type of criticism as I lived my whole life getting criticized so, yeah, I am a bit sensitive.

BUT, because of how I grew up, I took the criticism to heart, thinking I was less than, and stayed up most of that night reworking, rereading, etc. What they were looking for was some fear or vulnerability from that experience. Okay, I can do that. And being an actress, I mostly reworked my delivery. I also added two additional lines and wrote back in some lines I had initially taken out.

I talked to a good friend who was there the next day and she said our work really made the audience think, A LOT, and most were still talking about it the next day. Great! That is just what you want out of a show. But the most important thing she told me was that she realized from my story who was the bad guy. And it wasn't my perpetrator. It was my family, for not supporting me with compassion and love. Her words were soft, kind, and she relayed that my experience showed me how to find people to attach to who loved me. These people, decades later, in hearing my stories, had more love and compassion for me than a lifetime from my own family.

And I am profoundly grateful. And what a opportune time of the year to give thanks. To myself for "making it" and for my truly wonderful husband, sons and friends. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs!

Seems that if I am not careful, I will run right smack into a sign these days. They appear to be coming faster and more frequently. I'm sure that there are some I have totally missed. Probably why these last three weeks have been full of illness, stress and just weirdness. Full length feature dreams in full color, fully scripted, starring some of my favorite (and not so favorite) people, past AND present!

Good gosh oh my, times are 'a changing.....quick......hurry, hurry and PLEASE watch out for those signs!

I usually hold onto emails that have something to read, a video to watch, something in which I must take the time to engage in, digest, and then I can erase them. Or copy significant text to ponder or use later. Most of the time, I end up saving the emails and never going back to them.

This morning I decided to go through a few. I had to look up some people and organizations online and while there, let's get some older items out of the way. This video was 23 minutes long. Wow, I have to sit here and watch this for almost half an hour...

But I watched and wondered when the video would ask me to buy something. It didn't. At least this one didn't. And I took notes as I always do. And then the author/guru said a phrase that resonated with me - translucent people. I had heard this before. Hey, I want to be one of those. So I looked it up. And low and behold there is a whole book on it. And another article. And it so happens this author wrote it (of course). So I read some more, looked up the book on Amazon and guess what. I own this book!!! I had to laugh at how the universe works.

It came out in 2005, the Translucent Revolution by Arjuna Ardagh. Obviously it resonated with me 5 years ago. But I never read it. Here is one of those signs that hit me smack in the head! I pulled it from the shelf and cracked it open to the forward and NOW I will finally read it. How do you like that for signs!

In a nutshell, here is what intrigued me. It is about people who have experienced powerful shifts of consciousness. Their awakening has changed who they know themselves to be and the nature of the world around them.

These awakenings initiate a gradual metamorphosis, which is both evolutionary and endless. A spontaneous generosity of spirit, an impulse to serve, and a willingness to transform living into art gradually replace the normal relationship to life marked by fear and acquisition. I call this endless process of evolution and transformation "translucence." Webster's dictionary defines translucent as "letting light pass through, but not transparent."

Translucent people also appear to glow from the inside. They have access to their deepest nature as peaceful, limitless, free, unchanging, and at the same time they remain fully involved in the events of their personal lives. Thoughts, fears, and desires still come and go; life is still characterized by temporary trials, misfortunes, and stress. But the personal story is no longer opaque: it is now capable of reflecting something deeper, more luminous and abiding.

So, thank you, to me, I guess, for heeding the signs. Times definitely are changing and people will either awaken to their true selves, or go down another path that might just lead them astray. So, off to my book!