Now it's the Memory! Geesh!

Last night I pulled a really senior moment out of my bag of tricks.  It's inevitable that the memory fades each passing year.  When I was working as a DJ for Stuart Anderson's Cattle Company Restaurants (there's a blast from the past for ya!), I could name any song, any artist, the year the song was recorded, and all the other songs on the "album" that was spun on the two turntables in my booth.  We were also able to play music videos on our VHS player. (Hey, does anyone remember the old Betamax players?? I used to sell them at my part time video store job - where people would actually BUY videos!  They were $600 at the time (not saying the year here...).

So now I can't remember dates let alone song titles, lyrics, and forget about artists' names.  You can hear me grunting to my husband, "remember that song, it goes like, you know, by that guy, about that thing?  You know!"  And not even he can read my mind anymore as he used to.  Sometimes all I give him is, "you know, that place we go with those people!"  "You'll have to give me a bit more information this time", he now answers me.

What! My vague ramblings aren't enough now?  They worked before!  I think. And so it goes.  So last night we went to have a drink and quick snack before we were going to Fitzgerald's to check out the space for my event next month (http://www.shecomesundone.com/).  Jenna was meeting us at the restaurant and we were going to drive together.  Then my husband got the call.

He answered and said, "Oh, hi, Jamie! What's up?"  At that moment I sucked in my breath in a huge gasp and said, "Oh, shit!!!!"  There were six other people waiting at Jamie's house for dinner and she was just wondering where we might be at.  Apparently I didn't tell my hubby either.  I thought I did.  I really think I did.

Earlier that day, I was at work and as I always do, I was multi tasking, working on 3 different projects while selling bras and talking with customers.  I looked at my Filofax (did I just type that?  Does anyone even use these things anymore??) many times that day and saw the dinner date written (at least this time I actually entered it into the calender).

For some reason, my brain was not cooperating with itself yesterday.  Aw, who the heck am I kidding?  Just yesterday?  How about all the time!  I remember years ago being able to remember appointments, birthdays, everything! without having to write it down.  I also remembered my childrens' and husbands appointments as well!

When my ma got older, her "age thingee" was her purse.  "Where is my purse?  Who's got my purse?  Is my purse here?" was all we ever heard.  For me, it's my keys.  "Where are my keys?  Where did I put them?  I always leave them here!  Who took them?"

I have solidly become my mother, something that I fought and prayed and begged the heavens not to have happen. But it has.  And my children remind me of that ALWAYS as they tell me I am getting closer to being "put out on the ice".  Well, at least I still know what my keys are used for, right?

So for anyone desiring my presence at their events, please invite me, put it in my Filofax, my Outlook calendar, my calendar hanging on the fridge and remind me the day before, the day of, and an hour before.  Is that too much to ask?

Oh, and also, please pick me up because I can't find my keys to the car.

Another Day in the Life of an Aging Woman - The Sequel

I found a grey eyelash today.  I had to nearly smash my nose up against the mirror to confirm my discovery.  Then I feverishly tried to cover it with mascara but that silver sheen kept popping through the black I loaded onto it.

That’s not to say that I haven’t found silver hairs poking out of other more discreet places.  They actually sell dye for that unmentionable place – in an array of colors.   But I’m not diving to those depths of conversation as much as I might like today.

Oh, I’ve been battling the silver head hairs for years now.   But they are gaining on me and pop through the hair color quicker.  Okay, I know.  They don’t pop out of anywhere.  It just means my hair is growing faster than the cost effectiveness of the dye job.  Okay, okay, I should be happy for that.  The last five years have seen my hair diminish to the point that baby barrettes were not holding the whole kit and caboodle together.  I was the perfect candidate for hair club for men and don’t think I didn’t do some web research on hair replacement therapies.

So, I am really happy that my hair has come back and is growing again.  Yet, I don’t get to fully appreciate the beautiful job Usama does on my hair for very long.  I don’t understand why we can’t just pay for the two inches at the roots dye job every few months.  The middle and bottom parts of my hair are just fine.  It’s just that nagging silver raccoon tail running up the middle of any part I put in my hair that pisses me off!

The one aging “perk” that I would enjoy is the slowing of hair growth on my legs and underarms.  I have aunts who say they haven’t shaved in 30 years.  And why can’t the hair on my legs go grey?  It would diminish the frequency of shaving (i.e. It wouldn't show unless you got close up to my legs.) And I don’t see anyone getting that close to my legs any time soon.  My husband can’t see that close anymore so it doesn’t matter to him.  And with the silver popping up everywhere, I don’t feel so sexy anymore so you won’t see me sashaying up to some handsome man and saying, “Hey baby, what’s your sign?”

old grey mare

Couple that with the numbed up half of my mouth day at the dentist the other day and the subsequent drooling afterwards, and all I will see are the guys back ends as they run for the hills.  Which I can now see since I have gotten my new glasses.

Men look so sexy with their graying temples.  The silver streaks through their heads perfectly like it was done in the salon.  Women end up looking like the old grey mare. Then again, guys DO start growing hair EVERYWHERE ELSE other than on their heads.  So I guess justice is poetic at times…

I don’t know what I would rather have happen – these gradual “oh, my lord” moments like today, or waking up one morning to the new and fully aged me.  If I survived the heart attack that discovery would bring, then I could concentrate on acceptance and continue the rest of the process gracefully.  And pray God still likes me during the long and arduous road trip through sags, bags and wrinkles.

Nah.  The only prayer I am hearing right now is “Get Thee to the Salon.”  Amen to that!

Another Day in the Life of an Aging Woman!

I was at the dentist yesterday.  It seems that the enamel is wearing off of my teeth.  It is not due to lack of dental hygiene.  That is excellent.  Too excellent!  Am I brushing my gums and enamel right off?  Obsessive compulsive behavior of the teeth?  Okay, come on back down to reality, lady.

It is just another sign of aging.  Gums receding and that leads to exposure of softer enamel which lead to corrosion and exposure of roots....blah, blah, blah....  Roman (my dentist - whom I've known since he was in dental school with my sister's then boyfriend) said liken it to having a tree cut down with a hatchet.  I guess one day I would wake up and my tooth would fall over.  Timber!!!!  And probably while I was in an important meeting.  I would make an important point and my tooth would fly out of my mouth.

I have no idea what it means or how to deal with it.  I just followed Roman's orders and made an appointment.  He came at me with the needle and I'm like, "Hey, what is THAT for?"  He said I might want to numb the area since there was not much in between me and my tooth roots.  He could try to be careful and not numb me....  No thanks.  I am done being tough.  Dumb ass me finally realizes that I DON'T have to deal with the pain to show the world how tough of a woman I am.  (What were we ladies thinking back then when we choose no meds for our babys' deliveries????)

So he numbed me on one side of my mouth and then proceeded to chat with me while it was taking affect.  Have you ever tried to talk with only half your mouth?  For me, Miss Big Mouth, I need my full mouth to get my points across.  He gave me tissues to take with after it was all over just in case I drooled.

It only got numbier (is that a word?) as I drove home.  I started singing some songs that will be included in a performance next month (www.shecomesundone.com) and caught myself in the mirror singing with half a mouth.  I was horrified at the sight of a dragging left side and slurred words.  It's a wonder I didn't get pulled over for looking like a drunk driver!

Then later, eating dinner was a drag.  I couldn't friggin' chew.  Food was falling out of my mouth and my tongue wouldn't work.  My son thought I was hilarious as he watched me struggle.  I kept thinking of the years of me doing therapy programming at senior and rehab centers, where people struggled daily with strokes and other disabilities.  I had become old in that moment.  Someday I would need my son to wipe my mouth.  That stopped his laughter flat!

I bit the inside of my lip.  No pain.  I will feel that later I said.  So I took a nap.  Isn't that what aging folk do?  It took all my strength just to chew salmon!

Came to the conclusion today that I will fight this thing they call age.  Of course, with grace and dignity.  All kidding aside, I respect and admire all those who have gone before me.  They look and feel great and have a great attitude.  I will too.  After I stop complaining and whining.... and napping.

The Light at the Crossroads

As I was choosing the goddess of the month for my website, the first name that came to mind was Hecate and I knew she was the one. Funny again how the right thing presents itself when it is the right time for you. What do they say? The teacher is always present. You just have to keep your eyes open.

I hadn’t done a great deal of research on her in the past as I had with the other goddesses I have profiled. Yet her name just popped into my head. I went back to notes I had on her from books I have read and some web research. It was as if the heavens spoke to me from a place deep within.

Hecate is the goddess of the crossroads. In Greek lore, her statue used to be found at important junctures or major forks in the road. She has three faces which gives her the ability to see in three directions, past, present, future; it can be looked at as waxing, waning and full moon. In other stories she is the face of one of the triple goddesses - maiden, mother and crone. Hecate is crone. She helps us make transitions and new beginnings, especially ones that were not planned. As a magical goddess at home in the spirit world, she helps keep us in touch with our spiritual selves.

Usually classified as a "moon goddess", her kingdoms were actually three-fold . . . the earth, sea, and sky. Because she represents the crone phase, she walked during the dark phase of the moon, and was described as shining or luminous.

A person I once knew always told me I shined, that I was his hero; that I was wise for my years. He always was able to see qualities that I couldn’t at the time. Wisdom comes in all forms, at all ages. If he saw Hecate in me, I truly feel blessed. An angel therapy practitioner has told me that if you pray and meditate on the qualities of a goddess, you will take on those qualities yourself in time. I believe that.

So I find myself here again, at a crossroads. This time it is good and desired. We all come to crossroads many times in our lives. Should I leave my job for this one? Should I stay in this relationship? Menopause and illness, for example all leave us with change that needs to be dealt with, understood. It is a time for looking back at where we came from.

I was just looking through some old journals today and am amazed at where I have been. Some of it brought tears again, but it still amazes me how much I have grown up. I have filled in old ruts that used to derail me time and time again. This is good even though filling them in required every ounce of courage and strength I had. Crossroads, change, it is all the same if you ask me. New beginnings, whether spiritual or mundane, aren't always easy. How many times have we heard that? If it was easy, it would bore us and we wouldn’t bother. It is those very excruciating times that force us to go one way or another whether we like it or not.

The Greek goddess Hecate reminds us of the importance of change, helping us to release the past, especially those things that are hindering our growth, and to accept change and transitions. She is the goddess at the threshholds of major transitions - the inner midwife who aids us when we birth new aspects of ourselves.  She sometimes asks us to let go of what is familiar, safe, and secure and to travel to the scary places of the soul. Aint’ that the truth!

So I think of Hecate as I look forward at this crossroad to see what lies deeply forgotten or even hidden in my path. She reminds us that we are in that liminal stage, the stage of inbetween.  Patience is required.  I will invite her to shine her torch and guide me in my dreams, my meditations, and my life.