Onward and Upward We Go!

From the middle of life onward, only he remains vitally alive who is ready to die with life.

Samuel Johnson

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.

Henry Ford

I have started the process of a huge change in my life.  I have decided to close my business of 5 years.  The decision process was long and arduous and not without tears and heartache.  “Why” is the question everyone asks, of course.  “Why” is a long discussion.  Of course, the first and foremost reason is our economic climate, which has NOT been friendly to small business owners.  And that is all I will say on that topic.

The other reasons are far more interesting.  Is it too cliché to say the business ran out of road?  If you think of it as a living and breathing entity, does it also have a life span?  Going even deeper than that, did it serve its purpose and is no longer relevant?  If we live our lives based on an earlier uninformed decision and don’t adjust as time goes by, we will stagnate.  So, long story short, the business reached the end of the road.  Yes, when I opened, I hoped to become the next lingerie mogul, but alas, that was not to be.

Then again, and more importantly, I gained so much more in the way of friends, experiences (good and bad), knowledge and direction.  It segued me from where I was to where I am now.  And I am so grateful for all of it, good and bad.  I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.  So I bless it as it goes away.

I also realized that the place I am in right now is brand new, with no attachments to the past.  This business was attached to so many parts of what once was. In leaving it, I also leave behind the sorrows, the entanglements, and the former me.  It is bittersweet and difficult to imagine moving forward without these constant companions of the past.  But we must shed these old and ill fitting ideals of the past to blossom into the newness of uncertainty.

I awoke last night to three black entities (shadow people as they are called) running through my room.  It scared the crap out of me.  I understand they represent the dark side, fear, uncertainty.  But they also represent an opening in spirit and soul, where the good and the not so good can enter for contemplation and reflection.  I told my dear friend of this incident and she said the best of me is being birthed as we speak.  That is good to know because with change comes fear or discomfort (why would you change otherwise?) and we tend to overlook the goodness that is coming from this.

This reflection is also bittersweet.  People, places, things, that are attached to the old come flooding into mind.  Maybe to say their goodbyes.  Maybe to ask to be remembered.  Maybe to tell us they still love us and remind us of their importance in our growth.  I don’t know for sure.  Some will be forgotten.  But the ones that created the most agitation will remain on the shelves in our souls and be taken down and dusted now and then, without the sentiment that brought them to us originally.

I read this a few days ago and it spoke to the place I am in at the moment.

As you communicate, so what you say unlocks doors for you. They open up on the inside as much as the outside. These doors take you further into the palace of truth. Life is inviting you to sink your foundations in the soil of essence. It is offering increased substance.

“A real life is the life of essence. You can call it soul, or God within you, or whatsoever you will.” --Osho

And what is essence? Essence is your original face without any masks. Essence is that which you brought into the world when you were born. Essence is that which was with you in the womb. Essence is that which has been given to you by God – or whatsoever you call the totality, the whole, existence. Essence is a gift from existence to you.

So, I welcome a rediscovery of my true essence as I move forward into new territory.  I give thanks to what I am leaving behind.  In the words of  Mary Church Terrell, and so, lifting as we climb, onward and upward we go, struggling and striving, and hoping that the buds and blossoms of our desires will burst into glorious fruition.

Closing the Door with a Soft Hush

An "event" from three years ago re-presented itself in my psyche the other day.  After three years waiting for review at the state police level, they found the guy that robbed me in my store.  They had fingerprints, an ID from me; but it takes the state that long to process fingerprints.  If I was murdered, it might have come in faster! Cancel, cancel, cancel! (this is what you are supposed to say when you have a negative thought - so it doesn't settle in and manifest itself)

No, I am no longer angry or even anxious about the event.  It is over and I processed it and moved on.  But - it DID bring it all back to the forefront.  After three years, I didn't know if I would remember his face when presented a photo of him.  But I did pick him out and as soon as they find him and arrest him, there will be a physical line up where I will have to identify him again.  I am wondering if his actual presence in front of me will trigger old feelings or if I truly am over this.

On a side note, I asked where he was and they said it is kind of tricky to extradite him from Indiana where he is believed to be so they were going to go to a court hearing for him and question him about my robbery.  Mind you, the guy has a record a mile long, is a convicted sex offender as well as other niceties.  I said, what guy is going to remember one robbery out of one hundred?  They said you'd be surprised.  It's kind of like their trophies.  They remember each time they were successful at being a dickhead.

So I went through the whole event again over and over in my brain.  I got angry at myself again for letting him take my wedding band.  Actually for letting him get away with the whole deal here in the store.  Just me I guess, with wild thoughts like that. 

The real point, though, is that the event itself was a turning point in my life.  I saw my angel therapist practitioner who said it was a life wake up call.  And when I look back, it was.  Sometimes you need to get really shaken up to make changes in your life.

I didn't make any real changes.  What I did was realize where I stood in my own life, what my purpose was, who mattered to me and who didn't, who cared about me and who didn't.  It created a huge shift in my perspective at that time.  And that shift brought new people into my life and some old ones were left behind.

The shift was also in consciousness.  A wake up call to my soul. Where was I going?  What did I want to do when I grew up?  I did grow up.  Spiritually and mentally.  And I find myself there again.

No, I didn't get a wake up call like that of three years ago (fortunately!).  It came as a door closing to my past and ideas that were sifting in my brain settled on a decision.  Just like that!  Well, when the decision comes, it comes in an instant, just like that.  Poof.  You were in one state of mind, and now you are in a total other state of mind.  Well, it isn't poof.  You've been hemming and hawing over ideas, thoughts, things for a while and finally your brain makes a decision.  Or should I say your soul makes a decision.  The thoughts/ideas came into your brain randomly at this time or another and they float around for a long while and then, POOF, a decision is made.  It's about time!!!!

The floating around isn't easy and billowy and soft like a breeze through a window softly blowing curtains around.  It is the anxiety ridden monkey mind that I spoke of in a previous blog that is making you CRAZY!  That's not to say that my monkeys have left my head (The monkeys have left the building!  had to say that...).  They still occupy a portion of my mind.  I have just been able to cage and tame a few of them.

I have to say, again, that it amazes me each time it happens.  That is, when you make movement in some way towards change, doors open, people show up, things happen.  Ideas that were floating around made their way to the top of the list and now they are starting to be acted upon.  It is absolutely amazing to me.

A very dear friend told me yesterday that I should be just as excited and hopeful about the door being closed as I am about the next door opening.  That I should put as much joy, excitement  and hopefulness into closing that chapter of my life as I am in exploring the next. Closing one door is NOT failure.  I have gained so much, met some wonderful people.   When you make a decision, you want to move forward NOW.  At least that is how I am.  Let's do this thing RIGHT NOW.  What I need to do is bless and love and give thanks to what I have accomplished and am letting go of.

So I am so very thankful that this turning point in my life was not precedented by a traumatic event. (thank you thank you thank you!!!)  It is about our becoming the next version of ourselves and addressing the challenges it brings.  As my dear friend Peggy said, "What do you have to leave behind when moving on?  What works and what doesn't?  How do I attract what's next and when it presents itself, how will I act on it?

Okay, I am ready!  I also plan on putting my monkeys to work.  Instead of their own ideas, they are charged with acting on MY next version of my life.  After all, I am the boss of me (as my children used to say to me!).  So let's make our move!

A new year is a-coming!

As I sit here in my store the day after Christmas and find myself utterly alone, I am not saddened by the lack of customers on this blustery winter day. I find myself thinking about what is to come and looking forward to a new year. This past year was a difficult one. It was also a year of tremendous change. It was a great learning year as well.

We all suffered loss in the economic crisis. And those that didn't adjust to this new way of life didn't make it. There are businesses around me that didn't heed the warnings and are either closed or soon to be closing.

This past year was also a difficult one personally. I lost people that were very dear to me. I was present when my father in law left this earth after a long struggle with cancer. It had a profound impact on me and I am blessed that I was able to be there. Other people left because our lessons were learned from each other. Those losses are most difficult because we don't want them to go but it just isn't right anymore and there is too much strife to have them in your life. They will always be with me in my heart. I learned so much.

I also met some wonderful new people whom I will take with me on a new path that is in the works as I write this. I know it's cliche, but it is true, when one door closes, another opens. And those that are behind the closed door have left an indelible mark.

But I now look to a new year, new friends, new opportunities, a freshness that comes with this new snowfall that I am now looking at. Cleaning out the old from last year to make way for a fresh new year. I think it's time to go ride a horse again! It's been way too long and my heart and soul need it. So if I don't write again, Happy New Year! I can't wait to see what it has in store for me!!

Words from the Heart

I am working with 3 other writers on a performance piece and we just performed it last night for the first time to a "safe" group of friends for their input and critiques. Two of us have been performing all our lives in bands, in theatre, and the other two have never performed before so we thought it necessary to "practice" it before setting it free to the world.

What came out of that evening was very thought provoking. One of the topics we are writing on is Mothers. It is the strongest and most profound group of the 5 topics we have chosen. It also elicited the most profound comments.

I came from what I am now calling, The Freddy Kruger Family. I don't think I need to explain it further than that. My mother piece reflected my story of years ago when I was kidnapped at knife point. My family did NOT come to my side with compassion or assistance to get me through the aftermath of that experience.

So, after years of telling my story, I am fully healed from it and can tell it with humor and peace. I think it took all those years of telling it to heal from it. I was unaware of it at the time, but telling your story is a very healing process. I have written the story from a very healed person's perspective, complete with sarcasm and humor. Unfortunately, when I read it to this audience, I received not so good reviews.

Why!?!? It is the best story I have ever written!!! What it did was horrify the audience who then told me that they wanted to badly to feel bad for me but couldn't be cause I was so angry about it!. I was not and am no longer angry at ALL! And it is very hard to accept any type of criticism as I lived my whole life getting criticized so, yeah, I am a bit sensitive.

BUT, because of how I grew up, I took the criticism to heart, thinking I was less than, and stayed up most of that night reworking, rereading, etc. What they were looking for was some fear or vulnerability from that experience. Okay, I can do that. And being an actress, I mostly reworked my delivery. I also added two additional lines and wrote back in some lines I had initially taken out.

I talked to a good friend who was there the next day and she said our work really made the audience think, A LOT, and most were still talking about it the next day. Great! That is just what you want out of a show. But the most important thing she told me was that she realized from my story who was the bad guy. And it wasn't my perpetrator. It was my family, for not supporting me with compassion and love. Her words were soft, kind, and she relayed that my experience showed me how to find people to attach to who loved me. These people, decades later, in hearing my stories, had more love and compassion for me than a lifetime from my own family.

And I am profoundly grateful. And what a opportune time of the year to give thanks. To myself for "making it" and for my truly wonderful husband, sons and friends. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.