Shakin', Rattlin' and Rolling

"We're all going to be home now, you know." my son told his newly job free father.  I took it as kind of a warning.  He and I had already found our daily rhythm.  He, home again after gigging in New Orleans for two months.  There was no need to keep an apartment, we told him.  Come home.  Me, home again after closing a business of six years.

"Mom and I barely see each other".  This was the hint and warning to his father.  Well, maybe not so much a warning to him as much a warning to all of us that our tiny house was now harboring four full time creative people.  One son finishing high school.  Another son finishing a second album.  One father, home after being cast off in a private equity capitalist fiasco.  And me, in probably the biggest transition ever.  All together in one small space.  I can feel the foundation creaking from the load.

It's funny that we all find ourselves in this huge transition, each working to discover the next move along the journey we voraciously carve out for ourselves.  There is a lot of inner contemplative work going on.   Big creative ideas brewing in one small house.  Man, it's getting warm in here.

It's not a bad thing.  Creativity spawns more creativity.  But quiet time in a house full of musicians is a scarce commodity.  I've said it before.  Times, they are a changing.  You can feel it.  I saw a sign on the highway the other day.  Do one thing each day that scares you.  Ha!  Life is a fright fest every hour in this house!!!

It's not fear I feel, but anticipation.  That edgy angst that gives you the jitters because something is about to move but hasnt' yet.  Give it a few minutes....  Anticipate the best.  The fear is the unknown.  The unknown is making way for the new.  The new brings exhilaration that is just beyond the jitters.  Shake it all loose.  Let the old and worn out fall away so we can survey the vista of opportunity that stands before us.

My house is dancing right now; shaking, rattling and rolling to the sounds of new albums, new paths being excavated, new ideas, new perspectives.  It's going to be hard to contain it one it blows!  Our task is to clear the way for our own greatness to emerge.  Onward and upward!

Liminality All Over Again and Again...

I wanted to post this again for a couple of reasons.  First, the word liminality, came up in a conversation today and a light bulb went off.  I went to a meeting about reinvention, where I find myself yet again.  And in explaining the place I am in, how I feel, after closing my business last fall, and wondering what I was going to do when I grow up....again....  I called it the space of nothingness between the old and the new that has not showed itself yet but is busy crafting itself within me.  

My friend was told that this place is called liminality.  Of course!  The space in-between!  I have been here before.  I said that to her.  It was a Duh! moment.  This is the place where your old life has crashed and burned and your new life isn't apparent yet.  It is in this place that we must keep walking.  You may not recognize yourself at this point. It is a volatile feeling, this unknowing.


I have come to the conclusion that in this lifetime of mine, this is where my soul is growing and changing at the speed of light.  I don't know how many liminal periods we are allowed in one lifetime.  I can't count them anymore.  It actually feels like I am dying all of my past lives all in one lifetime!  It is exciting, scary, exhausting, emotional.  You cry.  You laugh.  You're loud.  You're quiet.  You're up.  You're down.  You want this.  No, you want that instead.  I say, just hang on.  That's really all one can do in these turbulent times.  Of course, this is all inner work.  I can only imagine what I look like on the outside with all this chaos happening within!


These aha moments have a calming effect, though.  At least I can name the demon in my head that is running amok!  Okay, not a demon.  Growth, change, rebirth.  I just wish with each rebirth I could delete a few years off my age.  Become a younger version of myself at this ripe old age!

There is gold within these Shadows.  Embrace the gold and release what is not.
Just keep walking...

posted 10/20/2010

Reality is the place between the sea and the foam. Irish Proverb

Dictionary.com defines it as:

the transitional period or phase of a rite of passage, during which the participant lacks social status or rank, remains anonymous,shows obedience and humility, and follows prescribed forms of conduct, dress, etc.

It is defined as the space in-between. It is emptiness and nowhere. It is a place of dying and rebirth, the space between death and rebirth, something that cannot be seen. Liminality is where transformation occurs. It is when we are betwixt and between, and by definition, not in control. An uncomfortable place to be if you ask me, but a place of impending change, which to me is exciting.

In the book, Crossing to Avalon - it is described as passing through a gateway, a threshold - an in between zone where we are neither who we used to be nor who we are becoming. We are standing in a doorway between two phases of our own life.

In this liminal phase we are vulnerable, thin skinned, which means we are open to new growth. T.S. Eliot wrote about a point of intersection of the timeless with time. It is a place where eternal and ordinary perception overlap the spiritual world and visible reality come together. Only in periods of availability will a person respond to a call to adventure or love and the lessons they bring.

Okay, so what does this mean and why even talk about it? I came upon notes I had taken from books and other readings, which are shared above, at the right time in my life.

As I came back from a spectacular trip to the Omega Institute for a Women's Leadership conference, thoughts were screaming in my head, copious notes had been taken the whole weekend, I rewrote my ideas for a retreat center, cleared out some old personal "garbage", and was ready to take on the work of my next incarnation.

And I got home and none of this happened. I couldn't write, my thoughts were unclear, my head foggy. I got sick recently, which put my head in an ever worse fog and I wondered what happened to that energy and spark that was on fire in New York. Even my meetings with people I met on that trip didn't spark anything new or exciting. What was wrong with me?

Then tonight, as I tried to free write in my journal (with no luck), I came across old notes and writings, which included liminality. And I realized where I was at this moment in my life. Funny, once again, if you look for the signs, they are here in front of you.

I guess I, too, am in another state of transition, that place in between. I am letting go of the old and worn out but the new has not presented itself yet. Jung calls the psychological journey to wholeness as individuation, a task of the 2nd half of life.

So, again, I wait, quietly, because I know in the quiet and nothingness, things are happening that are out of my control, out of my realm of thought. It tires me, this non-work. But it also excites me, as I know out of it comes newness, new thought, new direction, new beginnings, new you.

Life is a Series of Deaths

Life is a series of deaths with a little laughter thrown in along the way.   We die a little at each crossroad, learn to walk again, live to laugh about that last intersection and then there you are at that damn stop sign again.  Wondering – I turned left last time – which way looks good this go round?

You hear I didn’t say safe.  I said interesting.  Death of the old is never safe.  Interesting?  Yes.  Damn interesting and damn funny in retrospect.   We shift a little to the left, then we shift a little to the right.  And with each shift, each change, each death, we gain in knowledge of our own divine.  We get closer to the true purpose of our lives.

Is it the life we decide for ourselves?  Maybe so.  Maybe not.  But if we listen, if we can quiet ourselves during the troubled times, during each one of these “deaths”, we will just “know” what is right for us; which is the right path.  If it is not the right path, it will never feel right.  Or we will wake up at a crossroads again with that feeling of AGAIN?!?!?!?  I have done this before, an unraveling of the status quo in order to see the light within.

Resisting the exhaustion of the death results in more exhaustion.  Can I give myself more than 5 days to rejuvenate, replenish, rebirth?  I think so.  No matter what I try, how much I push myself, my body has shut down in order to rest during the re birthing process.  No matter how much I beat myself up about getting a move on to the next greatest thing (as asked by my son…); no matter how much I try to get my brain wrapped around the great ideas that came up prior to my “death”, my brain (which is as stubborn as the rest of me) has shut down.  Nothing seems important. 

This in itself drives me crazy.  How can I NOT be excited about all the great ideas that showed up last month?  I was SO excited, so looking forward to jumping into my next incarnation.  BUT…..right at this very moment, nothing is all that exciting to me.  Everything can wait.  I need to just sit, relax, rest.  This break has been a long time coming.  The next greatest thing can wait a bit more.  Actually, it HAS.  It won’t let me jump in.  I am numb to pretty much everything.  So, I need to be okay with that.  I know, I know, I know, it will all come to me when the time is ripe.  It always does!  And no matter how much I push it, it will not move until I am ready to move with it.  I know this.  Yet, I come to this place time and time again. 

I go back to an old post about the liminal stage last spring.  A time of transition when we stand “betwixt and between” one state and another. Kind of like on a fence, although you aren't trying to make the decision as to which way to step. It kind of does it for you. Awkward, yes. The state of neutrality/ ambiguity until we reach full consciousness of the next place, the next stage, whatever you wish to call it. But I am okay with it. Probably because I am so exhausted, I can't fight it or push it where I'd like anyway.  

Only this time, I understand this.  So when those anxious thoughts pop in, I know to let them pass.  I just thought this morning, for the umpteenth time I woke up at 4 or 5am and could not go back to sleep, that, Wow, look how much I could get done before the rest of the house wakes up.  Here I go again, pushing.  And here I am again, at only 6:30pm, exhausted.

So, please, my dearest soul, take a chill pill, enjoy this rest.  You are revving up for some unbelievable events.  Let the flower bud grow, and then petal by petal, unfold into the new blossom of you!

Change and Transformation - Today and Always!

It is the season of change - as summer winds down and we feel the cool autumn breezes blow in, we know change is coming. Memories of summer vacations are tucked away into photo albums, children are going back to school, summer work hours abate and we dive head first back into our work. Change. Sometimes subtle, sometimes brutal.

Change doesn't ask our permission into our lives. The status quo is comfy, settled into ourselves. If we are lucky, we can foresee it coming and try to adjust with the least amount of agitation to our current situation. Most of the time, it sideswipes us when we least expect it. Think about it - jobs, family, health. No one would ever make changes there if we weren't forced into it.

But change and the transformation that accompanies it can be the best thing we could have asked for. Of course, that is after we have made it through. I've begun the process of looking at Goddesses and their attributes and how they relate to our present lives, how they can help.

Goddess Oya, is a perfect goddess to start this coming season. She represents change and transformation. She is there to help identify and get rid of all the old wood in our lives.

The Goddess of Transformation urges us to die to the old in order to step into the new lives that we desire. OYA is always searching for the parts of you that are outdated and no longer serve you, brings them to the surface and asks that you release them.


But the funny thing is that we fight to hold on to these parts of ourselves. They are comfortable for us. These characteristics and beliefs are what we know and are tied to our identity. And the more we realize they no longer serve us and try to remove them, they hold on tighter in our body, mind and soul.

I'm at that place again; that uncomfortable unknowing that comes from letting go of one object/person/view/thought/fill in the blank,  to make way for the next, the new.  I am excited to understand that by sitting with the discomfort, the anxiety, will unfold the newness of change.  For the first time, I am stepping into an open place and letting it define itself without my pestering input!.  It knows me.  That unknown knows what I am capable of more than I do.  So I will sit quietly (well, maybe not that quietly) and wait for the gift that is coming.  Oy-Ya!
(click on blog title for more info or here on Oya)

Oh, the Quiet of Mother Nature

Okay, who loves it when the snow first falls and all the noise of the world is buffered under a cover of fluffy snow?  Me! 

Even driving home in first night of the Blizzard of 2011 in Chicago, at midnight, after attending a spectacular, intimate Shelby Lynne concert, when there was few souls brave enough to tackle the roads; even after the stress of finding out that my son had arrived at the venue with no gas in the car, the quiet was deafening.  In a wonderful way.

In the white quiet, with the roads to ourself, blanketed in a snowfall, my stress lessened, my ears perked up to listen to the wind, the snow falling.  We left the radio off, we said nothing on our drive home.  Peace.

And the next morning, I woke to that peacefulness.  Unfortunately, it was quickly dashed as the roars of the snow blowers began.  And the scraping of the shovels on the pavement.  Mother Nature had decided it was time for everyone to stop and be still.  The schools were closed, businesses were closed, people were given a day off from the chaos of our too hectic worlds. 

And that appeared to be too much to take for some people.  The quiet for too long.  The need to be in contact all the time, engaged in human interaction. The frantic rush to clear the sidewalks, driveways and roads.  For what?  No one was going anywhere that day.  But the words I saw on Facebook and twitter were words of people who didn't know what to do with a time out from life.  Did they not realize that Mother Nature had given us this gift?

Or maybe it was a warning.  Slow down, enjoy life.  I saw it as both.  A gift of a couple of hours in the morning to listen to the quiet, to contemplate life and all it really has to offer without asking much in return.  I also saw it as a warning.  That we are messing with dear old Mom Nature and she is protecting her dear earth by blanketing it's wounds in a soft covering of snow.  Next time she might not be so "giving".  Unheeded warnings lead to larger and larger warnings.  Taps on the shoulder become bops to the head.  Life will make itself known to us regardless of whether we are listening or not.  We WILL listen at some point.

So, thank you, Ms. Nature.  For a short moment to pause, reflect and revel in the beauty you have created for us.

(My boys and I got outside to clear the snow as others were heading off to bed.  We played all day! )

Meraki - The Soul's Work

Once again I find myself sifting though old papers that have piled up over the months/years/decades... Lately it has been a time of cleanup in my life. So much has been thrown out from the last incarnation or donated to causes I once did work for. So yes, that does make me feel better that there is use of stuff I have no use for anymore.

And I came across this. Meraki. A Greek word meaning "to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put yourself into what you are doing."

And again, it popped up when I needed it. Now. Once more sign that tells me I am on the right track. I watched a music show a while ago and they were interviewing Richard Marx, who said when you have a passion, money doesn't drive you, fame doesn't drive you. He said it is this inner passion, a feeling of "there is nothing else", a drive to create regardless of any outer focus. This is the way of the true artist. It is all within. And I get it.

I watch my son, who is a musician, work because he is driven by an inner desire that precedes any outer reason. he gave up a steady gig with steady pay because it did not "juice" him anymore. It didn't fulfill his need to create and he let it go to move forward. He doesn't look back. He moves forward with such confidence. And I get it. So I don't worry. I know he will be fine.

So I continue to clear out, empty, and then water the visions and dreams a bit each day. I know they are growing. I've seen it happen before. And I'll do it with Meraki!

Seven Year Cycle

"The number Seven was esteemed holy, as is well known, by reason of the six days of creation, and of the seventh, which is the celestial man, in whom is peace, rest, and the sabbath..." - Swedenborg A.R. 657 The last post was about my dying smoke tree. Well, I looked out the window today and every single branch is dying. I resigned myself to letting it go through the winter and then cutting it back in the early spring and feeding it very well to encourage new growth and another year of life. And then it seemed to me that maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should just let nature take its course and allow the poor thing to die peacefully with no life support of any kind. It blessed me this summer with the most beautiful blooms I have ever seen it its lifetime. And the blooms lasted throughout the rest of the summer and into the fall. It was breathtaking. And it should have reminded me that I certainly know that when a plant blooms this heavy and for so long, it is saying its farewell. Such a sweet thank you I received and didn't pay enough attention to. I planted that tree around 7 years ago. The Seven Cycle Year is the time to rest, to deepen your philosophy, to reflect and build inner reserves. It is the start of the fruition cycle. In the plant stage the plant rests from growth as it puts its accumulated reserves of energy into the blossoms which causes the flowers to unfold. The seven-year cycles are an evolutionary spiral. They belong to every being that has ever been created. There is no one who does not go through them. There is a natural release of energy every seven years which encourages you to move forward and make changes. Every seven years there is, within the system, a total change. If I look back, 7 years ago I had left my position at Garfield Park Conservatory. My swan song had been the county fair of September 2002. It was a glorious finish to my career there, an event coordinated with the City of Chicago's World Music Fest. Over 4 thousand people attended the one day event. It bloomed for a day and then I was gone.

And in the past seven years, I have changed careers, opened a business, lost two parents and other loved ones, lost some friends, and weathered an economic nightmare!

But I have also gained some wonderful new friends, been blessed with a business that allows me to create and expand in so many other ways. I don't know if the last seven years have been restful but they sure have been thought inducing, full of reflection and I have had to build major emotional and energy reserves to keep it all together! All to become the flowering/fruiting process. And that is what my tree did. It spent 6 glorious years building to that last gorgeous bloom and is stepping aside for the next tree, plant, project, etc. As for me, the last seven years have been of change, transition, building reserves, so that the next seven will be fruitful. I do feel that itch. It is an irritation that has no name yet. Just a funny little feeling that started this year, the sixth year. I've felt it before. It is that final push before the next big thing pops up. It used to bother me, that funny little feeling, and it still does. But I get it. I understand. Or at least I know it is temporary. And I look forward to what unfolds next. Because many seeds have been planted in the last seven years. And being a gardener, I know that not all the seeds will germinate. I will have to sit quietly and wait to see what pops up out of the ground. Who knows, maybe it will be a new smoke tree sapling next spring. Oh, I will tend to my dear plant as it fades. If I am diligent, I may be able to steal another year out of it, but I don't think it will bloom as it did this year. And if it quietly goes permanently dormant this winter, I will mourn the loss but celebrate a new season of growth, of change, of awe for the ever changing life around me.

Dumping

Tonight I gave away more supplies from my last incarnation. Boxes and boxes of dried herbs, candle making supplies, pots, dried flowers, left out the back door and entered into a car that would drive them to a not-for-profit organization who would recycle them into the same crafts I originally bought them for.

It's funny how life cycles, down to flower picks and adaptable tools from 20 years of horticulture programming. It made me feel good to know that these items wouldn't go to a landfill, that some child or person with a disability would benefit. And so my work continues, work that I left behind two years ago now.

Work that I will probably go back to some day. Don't' we all do that? In some form, in some recycled way. Life keeps turning itself over and over. Nothing is new. It may look and feel new, but if you look closely, it is just a shiny new coat of paint over an old and comfortably worn job, or idea, or hobby. That's why it is so comfortable and feels like home.

And when we learn something new, it is woven into our old, comfy ways of doing things. It all becomes part and parcel to our wonderful selves. Yes, aging can have it's aggravations, like stiff joints and a few extra whiskers where there once were none. But it also gives you more patience, more wisdom, more skills.

So now, as I wake each morning with unease, I know I've been there before. Oh, yeah, transition. Done that before. Yeah, it's tough. It doesn't feel good, this out with the old to make way for the new. But I know it will pass. It always does. So now I look at it with wonder and excitement (after I've dealt with the early morning panic!) and know there is some exciting new stuff that is out there brewing. And it's brewing with some of the old stuff, which seasons the pot and makes for a better outcome.

I'm just one big recycled life. But no one picked up my old life in their car tonight. Just some old stuff pushed out of an old life.

Clearing Out to Make Way for New

Oh how cliche! How many times have we heard this saying. Clean out the old to make way for the new. But what the heck does that mean? At one point in my life it used to be clearing out the old clothes/shoes/purses/underwear to make way for a new batch that was probably already in the house with nowhere to be stashed.

Or at another time, it was clear out the old boyfriend as the new one was waiting in the wings. Or on a sadder note, clearing out your desk as in you've been fired!

But now, as I move along further towards my "golden years", clearing out takes on a whole new meaning. Literally, I DO need to clean and clear out. A lifetime of hoarding - for what I ask - has led to a pile of junk. Add to that the piles of junk of two sons and a husband and you have what it takes to be a guest on the TV show, Hoarders. I, for one, cannot take it anymore. And I seem to be the only one in my house who agrees!

I can't think anymore. The clutter of a lifetime and the increasing "clutter" in my brain, has made it imperative to start dumping. There isn't one inch of room left to ponder, to wonder, to create, let alone think about the next phase of my life.

They are wrong when they say, once the kids are grown, you will have all this time and space to enjoy life. For me, it has become more complicated. There is a grown son on the verge of something quite large and it excites me to have a hand in that, to help, to guide. A husband, who is also needing to sow some new oats, and a teenager who wants to be everything that has ever crossed the dinner table as an idea! I find it all very exciting but it is taking up a big part of space in my ever decreasing brain space.

So, since I am only one person and no longer "superwoman" (was I ever?), I started with the garage yesterday. After all, it was Labor Day. So I labored. Such a need came over me to clear out my last incarnation with was sitting under the current incarnation. Oh, I gave up horticulture programming for good two years ago but couldn't' quite get the nerve to rid myself of all the supplies stored in every nook and cranny for the last 20 years.

"I just might go back to that, you never know......" I am finding out, too, that there are people and relationships attached to those items as well. So I'm clearing out tangible as well as intangible items. Great, more "stuff".

So now, they lay neatly in boxes and piles, waiting for the lucky person who is in need of those supplies for their own programs for adults or children. Who knows, they might be ridding themselves of their own last incarnation to make more room for my supplies!

And as each shelf emptied, a small space was created in my being. In the past, I might have run to fill that space. But no longer is that necessary. I will patiently keep clearing out till there is nothing left but empty space. In the garage, in the basement, in my head. What a glorious moment that will be. And the feeling of floating on air, weightless. What a great place to begin again from. I would like it to happen prior to my Omega Institute trip end of month. Wow, only a couple weeks away.... gotta run...... more to clear.....