Conversations about Witches

I co-wrote and performed this piece last year at a show called She Comes Undone, outside  Chicago.  The indented poetry is from a poem called Living With Witches by Al DeGenova.

The conversation came up recently about owning and loving all of our inner demons.  They are part of us, part of who we are, who we are becoming and they should be accepted and loved for what they taught us.  So that we may live together in harmony without ourselves. 

Conversations About  Witches
I’m 18 years old.  Dad’s angry again. A dish whizzes by my head with no warning, no expletives and I duck just in time.  Saving yourself requires more these days.

He says “You have no friends. No one cares about you.  Who do you think you are?”

And quietly, at the sink, washing the dinner dishes, I reply, “ Yes, I DO have friends who care for me.” But the shattered dish on the cabinet next to my head reminds me to never speak my mind, hold that tongue.

I am always wrong, they tell me.  They bore me so they MUST know better than I.  So I retreat to my 10X10 room, with a door that doesn’t lock, the only safe haven, and write songs. 

I’ve stepped into an alcoholic rage once again – to a fist raised on Ma and my pregnant sister.  An angry cry comes forth from a place I have not yet come to know.  I hear myself scream, “Don’t you dare!”  And I feel the whoosh as his fist strikes the air next to me.

I cry when you're crazy

when you scream in my face

when you can't smile

when everywhere is a room without doors

that, by necessity, was built from the inside out

but there is no out.

Unless

"you look in the mirror, see what you saw, take the saw and cut your way out." 

The answer to a childhood riddle, simple,

all a matter of your point of view.

But you

always see the glass half empty.

I see the same glass nearly spilling over

and I cry when you're crazy.

            * * * * *

I can’t wait to go to bed at night.  I try to stay awake as long as I can so I can imagine and dream.  I dream of being saved by John Travolta, Robert Redford or Paul McCartney, who I was supposed to marry.  They have come to my rescue time and time again no matter what obstacles I place in front of them.

But I can’t stay awake and I fall asleep and dream of the man in black, who is always waiting for me in the dark.  I run from him, but I can’t seem to move my legs and my screams are never heard.  He always hurts those I love.  I watch in horror knowing that I am saved for last.  It is not safe in the waking or sleeping hours.

I believe the good witch of Idyllwild

who sold me faerie dust to lighten the heart

happiness to sprinkle on your pillow.

Sweet dreams.

And if the happy dreams don't come

I hold you through your nightmares.

            * * * * *

They missed my high school graduation.  They missed my plays, my basketball games, my broken hearts and dashed dreams.

My little brother chased my dog into oncoming traffic hours before The Miss Illinois contest which they were late to and missed my talent competition.  My lips trembled all night forcing a smile.  “What are you crying about?  It was just a damn mutt.”

My mother and my aunts told me I had to take care of my older sister all the time.  But who will take care of me? 

Dad said, “You don’t need college.  You’re just going to get married.”
“But you paid for the others’ schooling.”  So I worked.  And on the coldest day of the decade, you refused to drive me “all the way downtown!” to work and dropped me at the train because my car froze.

I came home for lunch from work to an empty house one day and decided to try Dad’s Tab and scotch cocktail so I would drive into a tree on the way back.  I vomited instead.

Having no other place to go after a bad fight with my husband, I took our son and went back home.   Ma came home to find me and giggled about our argument.  "See, I told you he didn’t love you." she said…

There is the selfish witch of Morton Grove

who stole your childhood

greedy thief in mother's clothing.

The woman who bore you and forgot the pain

who cannot tell you whether you had measles or chicken pox

and doesn't care.

The woman who had no use for a second daughter.

Useless you, never good enough, insignificant.

The woman who taught you to cry without sobbing

without a sound, without movement

tear tracks line your cheeks like scars

you hide your sadness with uncanny skill.

This is the witch jealous of your successes

who taught you that your glass is always half empty.

            * * * * *

I am 6 years old and it is the first day of school. First grade and I wanted to wear the outfit I chose.  Ma insisted I wear what she wanted and of course, I fought about it.  “Please”, I pleaded.  Then “I won’t wear it.  You can’t make me!”

Yes she could, as she raised her open hand to me.  I continued to fight but I was too small and the welts stopped me in my tracks.  She won, I lost.

I am 10 years old.  One summer morning and I’ve done something wrong.  A battle was waged and I lost again.  “Just wait till your father comes home.”  Dad woke me up to hit me late that night.  I had forgotten the incident already and asked, “What did I do?”  “Your mother told me to punish you for this morning.”  He didn’t even know what I did.  He was just following orders.

“God Damn It!  I love you!” Dad said as the welts on my skin began raising and reddening after his rage had subsided.   And I was thinking, “Please, DON’T love me.” 

Then there is the unseeing witch of the world

who sews a costume you must wear

but doesn't fit you well.

You squeeze your breasts

your hips, stretch your arms

and legs, cover your face.

This woman's suit twists you

forces you to limp and hurts

hurts deep into your muscles

deep into the part of you that will always fight

but you cannot shed the clothes of your role.

You pull and tear, contortionist in a straightjacket

struggling to escape

to strip naked

to be woman that you are for all to see your beauty and imperfection

struggling not to succumb

not to be shrivelled, numb, faceless.

            * * * * *

I asked Ma and Dad to our house.  I needed their help.  My despair had reached its lowest point.  My therapist said don’t do it.  She knew better but I did it anyway.  I was desperate for their help.  “Listen to me!  I need you to hear me!  Suicide IS an option now.  Please, I am dying.”

They stared at me, silent, unable to accept their role in my life.  And denied me.  They left and soon after, disowned me, quickly closing the void left from my removal.  I had no family now.  I was alone.

There is also the relentless, brutal witch of guilt

sadistic sitting on your shoulder

who cuts notches in your ribs

for each mistake, every weakness

pummelling your self-esteem

forcing you to bruise yourself

masochistic

whipping your own heart

blaming yourself

for the sharp cruelty of the predators

preying on your vulnerability.

The witch who teaches the words,

"I am unworthy,"

"I cannot know happy."

And I cry

knowing you are good,

sweet lamb.

            * * * * *

I wrote the notes.  Many notes.  How do you explain to your children that you can no longer hear their voices, see their faces.  I felt nothing.  I was nothing.

The grief was intolerable as war raged from my insides out.  My world was grey.  Living was no longer an option.  What words does a 7 year old understand in a suicide letter?  I was abandoning them.  They will hate me.  I wrote the notes, every day.

And then there is the unforgiving witch within

dressed in depression

who drains your life like a vampire

like a virus

until you are empty.

She is the powerful witch

strength like God

who leads you to Hell

or worse, Limbo

where nothing is all there is

who steals your eyes and ears

so that visions of

summer sun-showers and

sunsets on California beaches

and the sound of your son's laughter

are silent blackness

And I cry for you

when you're crazy.

            * * * * *

But do not fear the love witch

in me in you in our son

in our unborn child.

This witch, barred from your youth,

you watch from the corner of your eye through a smokey cloud of mistrust.

This witch is hope.

This gentle witch who with subtle gestures

can guide your hands, your eyes,

your heart

who can teach you to

live with witches.

The witch who makes me sing encouragement

undying faith in your strength

like a cheerleader at the close of a crucial game

the game you must win.

The witch who keeps me crying

arms around you when you're crazy.                                                  

Spring "Soulstice" - food for the soul!

As a group of amazing women and I get ready to hold our Spring Soulstice event in Forest Park on March 22, I came across an article I shared on my website some time ago and it seemed relevant to what is coming up.  We use Goddess archetypes and their attributes to help us in our everyday lives.  It is fun to learn about the many goddesses and what made them special and then decide which parts of them we would like to embody in our own lives.  Please join us by clicking here!

How to be a Goddess  

By Anita Revel

There are many faces modern women present to the world. In the space of one day, you can be the professional at work, partner and career at home, and fun-lover with friends. No matter what the situation, women need to draw on a wide range of resources to keep it all together. Tapping into goddess energy is one way to ensure you get through each day with your integrity intact.

SELF PRESERVATION. Being goddess is about being in tune with oneself, being able to recognize threatening situations and respond rationally and calmly. Trust your instinct and act with confidence. Be conscious of the influence of others’ moods and needs and stay balanced in times of duress. Manifest security and a dynamic presence by keeping your feet firmly on the ground, literally.

SELF GRATIFICATION. Creatively, emotionally and sexually, connect with others through feeling, desire, sensation and movement. Learn to accept change gracefully and don’t be afraid to let your depth of feelings show. In addition, a poverty consciousness will only serve to deny what you deserve. Abundance is good, (greed is not), whether it be material, esoteric, emotional or otherwise. Ask for what you want and deserve, and providing it’s not for selfish reasons, give yourself permission to receive it.

SELF DEFINITION. Being goddess is more than just alabaster skin and an Elle McPherson body. Apart from round abdomens and swinging breasts, common attributes of ancient goddesses include uncompromising strength, compassion and justice. Spend time working out who you are, who you want to be, and then honoring the true you in the image you present to everyone you meet. Write your own eulogy then circle the five most important elements that you would want people to remember you by. Then, live according to those attributes to make them a habit.

SELF ACCEPTANCE. If you don’t love yourself, then don’t expect others too either. If you let others treat you badly, you are telling your inner psyche that you do not deserve better. The modern goddess gal never, ever allows herself to accept second best. Rally your personal power and self-respect and learn to say words like “No” and “Enough.” Most importantly, mean what you say! On the other side of the coin, give compliments freely, for if ‘what goes around comes around’ you will soon enjoy receiving plenty in return.

SELF EXPRESSION. What you say is what you get. Expressions like, “I’ll never be able to get over this obstacle,” will manifest in exactly the way you describe. Instead of confronting and overcoming your fears, you will remain stagnant, bashing your head against the brick wall you say can’t be knocked down. Change your speech habits to dispel negatives and embrace positives. Say “I can do it,” and next thing you know, you’ll be leaping brick walls in a single bound.

SELF REFLECTION. Get over petty issues and open your vision to see the Big Picture. If you are absorbed in trivial worries, they are most likely a distraction mechanism to keep you from what it is you really need. If you had three months left to live, would you really care about your shade of lipstick, upgrading your mobile phone, or getting the best table at the hottest restaurant in town? It’s up to you to prioritize what the important things really are. Make a list of your dreams for the next week, year, and/or decade. Circle one thing on each list and commit to make it happen, one step at a time.

SELF KNOWLEDGE. See yourself as a minute organism in the ways of the world, both in the physical and non-physical planes, in the present and the future. Disconnecting with the world every now and then can be healthy if it lets you travel to a spaceless, timeless place of knowledge, wisdom, understanding and spiritual connection. To revitalize flagging energy levels, practice yoga and meditation when possible. Time poor? Take the phone off the hook and power-rest for five minutes – this time-out for self can be just as refreshing.

All is Done....And All is New

Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity. -- T.S. Eliot

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.  -- T.S. Eliot

My personal meditation on the decision to transform Baubo’s Garden
It is done. It is complete. You are safe, sound, whole, alive. A weight has been lifted. You are warm and whole again.

So, begin again. Goddesses rejoice. Hear their laughter as they surround you. Lead the way to your destiny, your fate. Abundance, laughter, joy, rapture. Feel it. Be it. Be one. Let life flow beside you. Drift in peace knowing you are okay.

Using metaphors for life, change was the long difficult pregnancy. I labored and labored and birthed the new model of me. I persevered till the end, and the beginning. I have been set free to fly to new places, forage like a honey bee searching for the pollen of life to take back to the hive (within) and create the sweet honey nectar of my life; and then to share that sweetness. Forgive my mixed metaphor, but I come from a background of horticulture, where life cycles are key and gardening relates so much to our lives.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.-- T. S. Eliot

You know when you need to move. Your body tells you. Your soul tells you. Some years back, I stopped hearing the music, refused to listen to it for over a year. I am a musician and I was burned out. To me, music is the juice that flows through me, charges me, makes me vibrant. I lost that music of my soul for a time, while life spiraled around me.
It is as T.S. Elliot explains, “It is music heard so deeply that it is not heard at all, but you are the music while the music lasts.”

That is being in the moment, when all is right with your world; everything is aligned; you are at peace; you are creating. This is what I want next – to create that peace; that in just being, it transcends beyond you, to all you come in contact with; to help provide a space, an idea, a peaceful, safe place where others can find their own music or nectar within themselves. That is the task at hand.

The Gnostic way of knowing is feminine wisdom. It is insight, intuition, the process of knowing oneself. To know oneself at the deepest level is to also know God, or your higher power, or whatever, however you understand if for yourself.

I did some free writing last December and wrote that we must align our core essence and then work outwards from it. Clear the core of who you are, shine it up and it will glow outwards. Hearts Within – Love Without.

Let us join on this journey of discovery, hope, love and charity, hand in hand, upward and onward…

Manifesting the Monkey Mind!

I re-read an older blog entry today.  It is good to go back and re-read your journals, notes, etc.  Each time they give another insight.  It was about manifesting.  And the first quote was
"All we are is a result of what we have thought." Buddha

And I thought about that a bit.  And I thought about all of the seeds, dreams, wishes I have made in the past few years to see where they all are today.  Manifesting.  What really is it?  Does it really happen?  I have had these thoughts lately, been questioning a whole bunch.  Where am I, am I where I want to be, am I close to what I wanted....  You have to re-assess at different points in your life.

I feel I am at another crossroads....again.... Sometimes it seems as if I will never be satisfied.  Or maybe, it is because I need to learn constantly.  I am always eager to learn something new.  And I put my all into learning that "thing".  Then, once learned, it's time to move onto the next learning experience.  That mode of learning has put me in new situations more often than I can remember.

I have changed careers 3 times in the last 25 years.  I guess in the big scheme of things, that isn't a lot. But each has been an extreme of the next one!  And each has given me such experiences, such knowledge.  Yes, I have been able to manifest each one of these changes.  They did not goes as originally planned, but hey, that's how it goes.  Those seeds/dreams/ideas have a life of their own once planted.

Problem is there are these seeds growing and none have presented themselves as forerunners in my life at the moment.  Nothing seems that urgent right now.  Here is a portion of what I wrote over a year ago.


Your life is a physical manifestation of the thoughts in your head. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative thought. Whatever you are thinking and feeling today is creating your future. Your thoughts and feelings create your life. When you think of it in this way, your future depends upon positive thoughts! We can change our path through a shift in our awareness.


Okay.  If my life is a physical manifestation of the thoughts in my head, then no wonder why I feel I am going crazy.  There is no more room in my brain and each of these thoughts are living their own lives and dreaming their own dreams right now as we speak.  A phrase they use nowadays is "monkey brain", a constant chatter.  Something advanced meditation folk have learned to tame.  My monkeys are running wild, totally out of control!  I really wish one of those thoughts I thought about would take the lead so the others would quiet themselves for a while!
There were 5 different concepts/questions regarding manifesting:
1. ASK! The universe responds to your thoughts and wishes.


2. BELIEVE! If you believe that it is yours already, and show unwavering faith, you will attract the way for that wish to get to you; the path will appear!

3. DOUBT- If you doubt, this will lead to disappointment as what you desire will not come to you. Replace doubt with unwavering faith!


4. RECEIVE - FEEL the way you will feel once what you desire arrives. Put yourself into the frequency of what you're wanting. What would you feel like if you had it right now. Feel that.

5. ACT - When intuitive feeling is present, ACT ON IT! Visualizing what you want will help to materialize it. Dwell only upon the end results. FEEL the end result. The universe will figure out how it will manifest. All YOU have to do is feel it as already here.

Okay then.  I am ASKING that my gods, goddesses, angels, protectors and everyone else out there BELIEVE that my monkey brain is getting the best of me and I DOUBT whether I will make it through another sleepless night so I am hoping to RECEIVE some of your positive energy so that I may ACT on just one of the many ideas screaming in my head!  Oh, and did I say pretty please!!!!

p.s.  I actually DID make some requests today of these beings and made some plans and then a few new paths opened up just today.  Pretty amazing how this works, eh?  Now, if I can only wrangle the monkeys tonight so I can get a good nights sleep.......

Meraki - The Soul's Work

Once again I find myself sifting though old papers that have piled up over the months/years/decades... Lately it has been a time of cleanup in my life. So much has been thrown out from the last incarnation or donated to causes I once did work for. So yes, that does make me feel better that there is use of stuff I have no use for anymore.

And I came across this. Meraki. A Greek word meaning "to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put yourself into what you are doing."

And again, it popped up when I needed it. Now. Once more sign that tells me I am on the right track. I watched a music show a while ago and they were interviewing Richard Marx, who said when you have a passion, money doesn't drive you, fame doesn't drive you. He said it is this inner passion, a feeling of "there is nothing else", a drive to create regardless of any outer focus. This is the way of the true artist. It is all within. And I get it.

I watch my son, who is a musician, work because he is driven by an inner desire that precedes any outer reason. he gave up a steady gig with steady pay because it did not "juice" him anymore. It didn't fulfill his need to create and he let it go to move forward. He doesn't look back. He moves forward with such confidence. And I get it. So I don't worry. I know he will be fine.

So I continue to clear out, empty, and then water the visions and dreams a bit each day. I know they are growing. I've seen it happen before. And I'll do it with Meraki!

Divine Fate? Angels in my Midst?

So a short time ago, I wanted to attend Omega Institutes Women's Conference at the end of September. And when I went to sign up, it was full and reservations were closed. And there was a contest to win tickets to the conference.

I entered the conference, posted my entry.....and didn't win. I figured if I was meant to go, I would win the contest. So the contest deadline came and went and no word. So I wasn't meant to go. Ok, I get that. I am okay with that. I guess. There is always next year.

A few weeks back I just decided to look at the website again and just tease and torture myself (because that is just what I like to do.....), check out who was speaking and so on. I also decided to see if I could register (torturing myself further) because we all need to get shot down twice, right?

To my extreme surprise, the site let me register. I couldn't believe it! I didn't believe it! Why would I? These things don't happen to me!

Or do they?

So I decided it was a mistake, a glitch in their site software. And I didn't buy an airline ticket. I said if they confirm my registration, only then will I buy a ticket. A few days passed, nothing. Then on the fourth day of waiting, it was confirmed! And I bought my airfare.

So I am going! I guess I WAS meant to go to this! Wow, can't wait. A powerful weekend awaits me. What else can I expect that I wouldn't normally expect? Are there angels in my midst? There have been before. I will call them in again. (I really DID pray to every power I know for help!) And wait in wonder for the magic to happen.

Manifest Your Dreams

"All we are is a result of what we have thought." Buddha

I found some notes today in my take to work bag. Don't know when or where they come from. Wow, I really need to get all these notes into one place. I read a lot and take notes on what I read; things that really touched me or that I want to remember. A good deal of them make more sense later on when you come back to them and reread. I think it is because at the time of writing them, they are thoughts in the air and in writing them down, they become wishes, seeds, dreams of things to come. And thus manifesting occurs.

Plant a seed, water it, and it grows. I know that. I am a horticulturist. I've been planting seeds for over 20 years. These seeds/dream/wishes are different though. They don't always grow to into what you initially planted. Which is the exciting part!

My take on manifesting: Thoughts become things. That is manifestation. And it is the affirmation of your current thoughts. Negative thoughts beget negative manifesting. The law of attraction is always working whether you know it consciously or not. If you have a prolonged chronic way of thinking you manifest those thoughts in being. And then you wonder why your life stays the same. You attract predominant thoughts that are in your focus whether they are conscious or unconscious.

Your life is a physical manifestation of the thoughts in your head. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative thought. Whatever you are thinking and feeling today is creating your future. Your thoughts and feelings create your life. When you think of it in this way, your future depends upon positive thoughts! We can change our path through a shift in our awareness.

1. ASK! The universe responds to your thoughts and wishes.

2. BELIEVE! If you believe that it is yours already, and show unwavering faith, you will attract the way for that wish to get to you; the path will appear! It's really as easy as that. Think about it.....

For example, early last year I knew I wanted to move into a more spiritual direction with my store. I wanted to offer workshops on goddesses, spirit and the like. But I knew no one who could provide these types of programs. I didn't know where to begin. And then an angel appeared right in my store. I spoke of her in an earlier blog. I was having the worst day and she read me like a book. I NEVER show anything but joy and pleasantries to my customers but she knew there was something wrong. This lovely woman sat me down for over an hour after we had no luck in finding an item that fit her. And we talked about life. She said I needed to see this local akashic soul records reader, Linda. My mood suddenly was lightened after she left. I know now that she was truly an angel. I pay more attention now to angels in my midst! They are there all the time, in body and in soul.

So I went to see this woman and after our visit, people started entering my life in response to my desire for said workshops above. And since then, this desire has been building and manifesting into other ideas and themes. My initial desire has transformed into something much larger. It is all very exciting to watch all this unfold.

3. Doubt - If you doubt, this will lead to disappointment as what you desire will not come to you. Replace doubt with unwavering faith!

4. Receive - FEEL the way you will feel once what you desire arrives. Put yourself into the frequency of what you're wanting. What would you feel like if you had it right now. Feel that.

5. Act - When intuitive feeling is present, ACT ON IT! List what you are grateful for. Gratitude is a way to bring more of what you're grateful for about. Visualizing what you want will help to materialize it. Dwell only upon the end results. FEEL the end result. The universe will figure out how it will manifest. All YOU have to do is feel it as already here. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it; you must act on it. WE have to remember our body is the product of our thoughts. What we resist, persists. Energy flows where attention goes. Cute, kitchy phrases, but oh, so true.

Here are a few more to ponder. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. No one else can dance your dance, sing your song, write your story....only you can. Now get manifesting!!

Angels in Our Midsts...again

A friend of mine (I'll call her N) is training to become a life coach and she needed some hours of peer counseling for her certification. She uses the approach of manifesting as the way we bring things into our lives. Since I am so intrigued with all and everything spiritual, I agreed and have talked to her several times. Last night we spoke again. The first session was in May. I had already been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and was in the throws of the pain and depression that results from that kind of diagnosis. I DON'T DO CHRONIC ILLNESS. I was unhappy with where things were heading. It was a tough year last year through the never ceasing recession and its effects on people and their buying habits. Business was suffering and I just didn't want to do it anymore. I needed to be juiced again. My hubby is so practical and said "If you don't pay attention to your business, it will fall apart." Or, "If you spend all your time thinking and owrking on your "next incarnation", you aren't focusing on the business and it will fall apart." Oh contrare Mon Amie! When you pay attention to your goals and dreams, they will manifest and everything else you are currently "in" will tag along in happy pursuit of your dreams! Pay attention! There are signs. You can miss them if you're sloppy and not paying attention. Last week I dreamt of my father in law who passed on a month earlier. I wrote of it in an earlier post. He told me to believe. He said, "If you believe then I am here." The more global meaning I got from the dream was if you believe that you manifest your life, then there are no surprises, no chance or random occurrences. Oh, they may seem random because most of us ARE sleeping through our lives. I held onto the "why is this happening to me?' scenario for years. I singlehandedly brought my vibrational energy down so low that I attracted all the bottom dwellers and dark personalities right to me. They all seemed to cry, "help me, I can't help myself and really don't want to. It is safer to hide in the dark." Or something like that. But is in the darkness that we find ourselves, what we are made of, what we can really handle. And if we use that darkness to our advantage, such bright light comes from it. They call it the dark night of the soul. I know I have angels that watch over me. And I also know that I am my own angel at times. I know that I DO manifest everything about me, all that happens, good or bad. I was in a waking mode the other morning when I heard footsteps on the first floor. I knew I was home alone but I was comforted because I knew they were the footsteps of my son. I know his pacing by heart. It was comforting to know that he was there if only in dream. He IS one of my angels. At the end of my conversation with N, she asked something like, what will you do to make the necessary changes? And I answered, I must believe that all that is before me is real and true and meant to be because I created it. I thought later, that was the message that my father in law had for me in my dream. I spoke the words that he spoke to me. Listen, they are out there. Your angels. Listen....

Reworking a Life....Again

I was recently given a not so great health diagnosis and then a few days ago, my father-in-law passed away from a long arduous battle with cancer. Two big eye openers. Firstly, I looked at the diagnosis as, "hey, how do I fix it and when do we start?". I was told it was incurable and f course, I don't respond well to that kind of talk. To tell you the truth, I don't have time for a persistent problem. Let' fix it and get on with it. I looked into it, got some answers (and some more questions...) and decided to hit it head on with medical, dietary, spiritual and holistic guns. It had been festering for quite a while I am told, and finally decided to pull out all the stops to get my attention. That is usually what our bodies do. They will give you some warnings to alert you of their presence and allow you to make changes for the better. If you ignore them, they hit harder until they knock you right off your feet (s this one did). Time for a change. And then my father-in-law died. We knew it was coming so everyone prepared as best as you can. He died with his whole family (immediate and extended) surrounding him. We even got a laugh at the last moments when I said something to him and he let out a loud response (unidentifiable) as if to say "fuck you!", which was something I would have expected from him in our relationship. We always gave each other shit but there was a deep respect and love underlying every sarcastic comment. So he got the last word, he made us laugh before he took his last breaths as if to say, get over it, I am fine! What really astounded me was the depth of love that was in the house that morning. When both my parents died, it was a very lonely experience. My mom died alone and my father collapsed and by the time my brother and I got him back into bed, he was breathing his last breaths. While it was the most profound experience to have my dad look into my eyes as he passed on, it was also very lonely. In comparison, the other day was a glorious expression of love and tribute to a man who was truly loved. So I take these recent experiences and begin once again to look at where I am in life, what my expectations are and were, and re-evaluate one more time. And realize that NOTHING is static, NOTHING ever goes as you initially plan it, and it has left me with a head full of NOTHING. Which is a good place to start. Again. When I can't come up with an answer, a next step, I know it is a good place because there is a wide open canvas to work from again. I am not saying that my dreams have dissipated. My retreat center dream is still alive and cooking. But the path to get there appears to have shifted and fallen away. And I have not built another or it has not presented itself...yet. And the one thing that makes me the most uncomfortable is not knowing. Which is my lesson. To be still and let the next steps unfold themselves without my interference. I have stopped trying to force the issue. My soul will NOT allow me to throw my two cents in anymore. All it wants is quiet. Only then will it reveal itself in small pieces. My only job was to let it all go - the plan that was in my head. The dream is still very much alive. And the clues have started presenting themselves. I noticed one today. I believe it planted itself in my deep knowing self where it will be fertilized organically, not forced. It does take a dramatic life changing event to wake us stubborn, blinders on, people. As open as I am to change and whatever comes, we get caught up in life and the thoughts of future, and need a kick in the pants to reboot. I had two kicks in the pants in a month. I think the universe is trying to tell me something. I hear you world. I listened. I let go.